Monday, February 18, 2008

why i love teenagers

I love teenagers because...
-they have fun no matter what they are doing
-everything is a reason to clap and yell
-they either love God intensely...or, don't bother faking it.
-they say new words that i've never heard
-they give great hugs
-they challenge me to "behave"

They remind me of what God can do in a willing heart!

I love teenagers because...

-They use black eyeliner...a lot.
-style is whatever you want it to be
-competition is huge
-crushes, weekend romances, etc.
-when they cry, it's real
-that awkward shyness jr high girls have around sr. high guys.

-the way they interact with each other

-Colors of clothing

-hearts of gold

-that "odd" confidence they have in themselves.

Me again on a Monday

This weekend we had a fabulous time at High Point Camp with our youth group. It was such an encouragement to me and i had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now. The messages, although aimed towards teens, were so convicting to me - I left feeling refreshed even though I was running on empty according to my "sleep-o-meter". The word of God is powerful and it spoke to my heart, directly, several times over the last few days. I'm so thankful for the tragedy that the Lord allowed us to walk through - because I feel like I've been given a new look at my life and how I view it.

"Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!". But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. SHALL WE INDEED ACCEPT GOOD FROM GOD, AND SHALL WE NOT ACCEPT ADVERSITY?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips". Job 2:9-10

BAM - right in my face on a very late Friday night. I started to read through Job this weekend, because I'm intriqued with someone who was so at ease with God allowing hard times in their life. Job had every reason (humanly speaking) to freak out and curse God - he didn't understand, he was losing everything, and worst of all - his own health was failing. I couldn't imagine living with huge boils all over my body that i needed to scrape with a shred of a broken pot just to find relief, on top of everything else. I had to read through this verse multiple times to really grasp it. SHALL I ONLY ACCEPT GOOD was basically the convicting thought to me. Who am I to think I deserve only good things in life? Am I so American-ized to believe that I should have a life of no pain, everything at my command, etc? God has been so gracious to me these 25 years - I've never dealt with a serious illness, lost only a few relatives, lived in nice houses, always had food, clothing, cars, etc. And it's never been a thought to worry about things like water, warm beds and work. They are constant in my life.

The speaker this weekend spoke several times about "storms" in our life and I felt like every night he was staring at me - and I know the Lord had a plan for me to be there and for him to bring those messages. PRAISE GOD. I can't put into words how I'm feeling today but if I tried...
~~I'm elated that I have a God who allows things in my life, because he's caring for me enough to walk through them with me.
~~I'm challenged to accept the bad, which causes a deeper sense of peace for some reason.
~~I want to cry and thank Jesus for what he gave us - life, at his expense!

Since our miscarriage, I've had at least 10 friends get pregnant. Each time I have to sit back, take a deep breath...and just let God take over, otherwise this unexplainable pain takes its toll on my heart. I feel like I can't breath or blink, it's weird. Even though I am truly happy for my friends - PRAISE THE LORD this weekend I jumped a metaphoric hurdle, by hearing someone announce a pregnancy and my very first thought was, "Oh Lord, how excellent is your name". WOAH - where did that come from? All this to say, God is so good to me - he has healed a broken heart like mine...and continues everyday doing so.

I've been having all kinds of weird dreams lately - involving pregnancy. I had three this weekend. Oh how my heart yearns for a family of my own... each time I see mothers with their children I picture myself and dream a little. We'll find out in a few days if we have another one on the way and my heart is in perfect rest knowing that no matter what I'm being held in the palm of my saviors hand, and nothing can take me out!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Classic love...

Happy Valentines day world!
Lastnight on the way home from work I felt like I weighed nine thousand pounds...and all the weight was in my eyelids (weird word picture, but work with me). Exhausted. And the thing is I really haven't had a draining week. All the same I was drained and just felt like a slug.

In comes my super hero Bradley (trumpets please), "I'll make dinner" he says as we are crawling through walmart trying to decide what would be the quickest and easiest. Boxed Mac and cheese and chicken strips it is! So, we get home where I retire to the couch dressed in Brad's huge sweatpants and sweatshirt ( my favorite over-tired outfit) and flip through the pages of my newest magazine. I doze off and on, it's wonderful just to sit back and relax, I feel like a queen. Bradley is in the kitchen singing his opera-style songs as loud as he can, practically dancing with the mixing spoon...and I just can't help but feel like the luckiest woman alive. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally - through my draggy days, even. He serves me willingly and glady (obvious by the singing), and because he loves the Lord... it's even better. :)

We decided not to do any kind of V-day gifts this year. Sometimes I feel like we give just out of habit - and we don't want to be like that. I made him a home made card, and we will have a nice dinner OUT this evening followed by a concert. Happy Valentines' day us! I think, the older I get and the longer I'm married... I see that VAlentines day isn't only one day - in a marriage it's constant. Maybe not with the roses, candies, stuffed things, etc. But with the attitude and motivation to serve and love each other. And...I'm looking forward to the future and I'm challenged by how much MORE I could love.

This month, Bradley and I are trying for a family again - he's amazing at being sensitive to me. He's just amazing, anway. And if the Lord never blesses us with children... I'm already blessed with being married to the most amazing man God could have even given me.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tuesday is for thinking

I'm sitting at my desk waiting for someone to close this place so I can go home...
I'm going through caffeine withdrawal (not a pretty thing), bored out of my mind and just wanting to be home.

It's almost Valentines day - Brad and I are going to a concert here on campus for a group called "Shane and Shane" and I don't feel that excited yet. What ever happened to Valentines day? or is the question more..."what ever happened to what I thought of Valentines day?". When I was a little girl I remember dad coming home with beautiful red roses for mom and pretty pink carnations for me. It was such an exciting day and so thrilling! Not that Brad isn't amazing at those kinds of things...but, still.

blah. February...snow...blah.

Friday, February 8, 2008


I've been thinking a lot about the verses in scripture that talk about the peace that comes to those who love the Lord and have a relationship with Him. Yesterday I spent the day attempting to stay meditated on "He will keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on thee"... and wouldn't you know - the temptation to fret and worry and be anxious starting attacking me even stronger then when I was just "doing it on my own". On the way home from work lastnight I cried for first time in a while...about my baby. Only this time they were new tears. I've been battling this paralyzing fear of losing another child and last night it came to a head. It's a real, gripping, scary feeling to live like that. It seemed like no matter how hard I thought about the "Truth" the pain and, flashbacks, if you will, came back and pushed their way into my reality. I visualized the dull colored walls of the hospital, the empty painful feeling in my stomach and the days and days of crying on the couch with empty arms and womb.

In all of my 25 years I've never had to fight such a temptation to be swallowed by fear. Lastnight, bent over my dryer, I poured my heart out to the Lord. I read through more scripture to put it in my I was going into battle...and in a way I am. I keep telling myself that just because I've lost one baby doesn't mean I'll lose them all. I keep telling myself that God is JUST and gives us what we NEED, but also knows our DESIRES and can bless us with them. My walk with the Lord is so vital right now, and it always has been, but I just can't fathom doing this without a relationship with my creator. Brad can only say and do so much, and other people just say the wrong thing or worse...ignore me because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm dependent on my God and its just so sad that it takes this kind of thing to really draw that to my attention.

Next week Brad and I are free to start over. Thus, the fear...
Lord God, creator of Heaven and Earth, powerful healer, gracious friend - Hear my request.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


It happened again.

I'm walking through the airport after a stressful day of waiting on late planes, missing crew and feeling exhausted after a mentally draining weekend...when I come across some soldiers sitting in a waiting area. They were dressed in their gear and looked tired.

My heart always seems to drop as I think about where they could be heading, and my mind always goes to Japan where my brother is serving. Visions of my brother in from the news....headlines of soldiers getting killed... but good thoughts to - of the bravery displayed, courage shown and love for a country.

I consider it my civilian responsibility to thank our soldiers every time I see one. They do what I can't, and maybe won't. So, here I go - I approach the soliders, extend my hand to the first and say "thank you for serving". I noticed his wedding band and felt myself choke up... oh no, not again. As I turned to thank the second solider I felt my eyes burn and I knew I needed to do this and then move on quickly. "Thank you for serving....we appreciate it" I barely whispered as I noticed his eyes begin to well. OH NO... he looked at me and at this point I couldn't see him because of the tears that were taking over my eye space. Too late... I start to cry as I manage a goodbye smile and make a mad dash to the bathroom.