When it's really real. Or, life in the tundra.

It's still very much winter and I'm very much feeling fed up with myself. Life is real, people. Real around here. My kids may have eaten at least 2 meals a day in front of cartoons...for the last few days. We are a mix of toys, blankets, markers, scraps of papers, clean and dirty dishes, misc art supplies, baby dolls and empty yogurt cups. All in the name of keeping entertained. 

Life in the tundra is taking it's toll, even though I have tried, prayed and cried to avoid it. But I feel as if maybe I'm adding to my stress. We mom's do that ya know!

#1 - Because it's been sooo cold, every day, I haven't been able to finish any of my organization projects. Mostly because they involved painting or spray painting something. So my breeze way (where shoes, coats, etc would go) is 50% or less finished. It's now looking more like a garage storage closet with a fine mix of recycling, Christmas decor, a baby changing table that hasn't moved up yet, and just life. It annoys me every day - but, alas, I value my fingers and have to wait til its warmer. 

#2 - We need to move our 2 year old in with our 5 year old...and soon. However, the dresser I need for their combined room needs to be spray painted and is waiting in the freezing garage. And the dresser I need for the new nursery is serving currently as the 5 year olds dresser.  We also haven't found bunk beds yet - or bedding - or really figured out how we are realistically going to do this and keep our sanity. :) So I have two bedrooms upstairs that are a bad mix of 2 year old, 5 year old, and newborn things. It's bad, people. Bad. Add to that the fact that my 5 year old is rapidly outgrowing everything she owns so I'm constantly pulling clothes out of drawers and closets to put away, only I'm out of bins to store it in so it becomes piles upon piles in already too filled closets. Claustrophobia is real. And this theme of disorganization seems to be spread out through several spots in our home simply because I'm exhausted and don't have an extra ounce of energy to do it after children are in bed. We will not even be discussing my linen closet or basement right now. 

#3 - My 5 year old seems to be struggling with making friends and being a friend. Last night after everyone was tucked in bed the stress of the day just washed over me and I cried like a baby on the couch. It's PAINFUL to watch your child learn and grow through difficult times. It seems my girl needs constant attention and redirection and somedays (lately most days...) it's more then I can bear. Last night we prayed together through tears and she asked God to change her heart (and from what I could hear the entire personality of the other party who caused her grief) and it reminded me how BIG this job is - there is never an off day. She's not at a place of understanding yet...but I pray the Lord continues to soften her. 

#4 - Pregnancy. I'm tired. A lot. 

And lately I'm waking up with the birds, literally, and then dragging through the day. NOT GOOD. I'm hungry at weird times but never sure what for and though I don't "feel" super pregnant, things don't fit right - even maternity clothes. Another not pretty reality. 

#5 - I miss my mom and dad. 

My family is 12 hours away and sometimes I feel that more then others. This time in my life I'm feeling it so much. What I would give to spend a day with my parents - to let my kids hang out with their grandparents. I miss them, I'm homesick for them, and selfishly it would be such a blessing to let the girls go to grandma's for the weekend. Specifically this weekend as my husband is set to leave again on another trip, that I could go on, but can't find overnight child care. Bah. I'm envious of the families here that all have each other - even though I know it's not always easy. I'm feeling very alone and sometimes forgotten. 

It's been a difficult last few days and I know it's going to be ok, just part of the refining... it's just a bad combination of life right now and feels a bit overwhelming. I'm thankful for the moments of quiet in God's word to settle me, or the kind texts from friends and family far away. It'll be ok - I'm just feeling reality right now more then usual. And I'm not sure I like it. 

Also, did the price of diapers go up?! 

A quick this and that.

For the last hour I've noticed the sky growing more and more dark. At just shy of 3pm we are under total cloudage. The weather man says ice is in store, who knows, but it sure does look ominous out there! I'm so thankful for this cozy home with sleeping children and Christmas tunes to carry us through the afternoon. :)

I had a few moments this afternoon after putting the girls down to nap, so I curled up on the couch and quick-read this book:

As I sipped my egg nog latte (from a dear friend) and enjoyed the warm blanket on my lap, I kept getting all teary eyed. This tiny book is just a collection of Ruth's poems about her love and marriage to Dr. Billy Graham over the years. Her daughter, Gigi, also shares memories of watching her parents over the decades. I don't know what made me cry more - how the Lord beautifully sustained this couple over years of intense ministry, travel, children, child loss, trials, joys, etc. OR how I look around today and realize this kind of love and devotion to marriage (let alone the Lord) is rapidly failing and harder to find. 

God's word tells us time and again that BAD will go to WORSE while we are on this earth... so I shouldn't be suprised. But why am I still? I'm not going into all the debates that are our there right now, but oh how I am so thankful for the truth of God's word and the reminder that one day EVERY knee with bow, EVERY tongue will confess Jesus as LORD! I cling to it. Someday all will be made well again - perfect actually - and the light of the Son of God is all we'll need. Lord Jesus, save these souls that are lost and wandering. 

In other news, it's the week before Christmas and I am so enjoying seeing and hearing from far away friends and getting Christmas cards in the mail from those we love. This year I used my old door as the catch all for cards and I'm pretty happy about how it turned out.

What I love the most is the memories and milestones. Watching friends kids grow, additions of babies and ministries and marriages kept sacred. Christ honored. Just when I'm feeling like there are none who seek the Lord - God is good to let me open a card to remind me, His own still seek Him. Though ultimately... HE is the great pursuer! 

Merry Christmas to you today! May Christ be praised! 

Thoughts about food, and...easy sin.

Since graduating college (and being done with organized sports, getting married, having children...) I have come to really enjoy food. That sounds like such a dumb thing to say, because who doesn't? But the thing is - my enjoyment of food used to be kinda cancelled by how active I was. Softball for 13 years, tried track, in every club possible in high school, treadmill in college, even a cardio class with my cheer squad. So I could enjoy food (and my metabolism) and not stress about it.

Times have changed.

I still enjoy food. I could be a foodie I think. I like to plan out meals and base hospitality around some cute thing to nibble now and again...or drink. Don't even get me started on the half a million cozy autumn drink recipes I've come across this last week. Yikes. So much of life is, like it or not, based on the stuff. Food, that is, not autumn drinks. Tho... in my mind... never mind :) .

Over the summer I slacked WAY off on my healthy eating and began living like I was 18 all over again. I was tired and under stress and transitioning. We weren't grocery shopping so my healthy options weren't around and basically I just found myself making one excuse after another. And annoying myself a little more every day. I stopped my food journal and sure enough the weight I had worked SO hard to lose, crept back on. Only I can't even say "crept" because it was more like my body yelling, "hey fat cells...bbq on these thighs tonight, come on over". Open invite. Gross word picture, I know.

Since the beginning of June (when things were starting to feel tight again, clothes wise) I started feeling "off". Honestly I thought I was pregnant, twice. Nausea, exhausted all the time, grumpy, feeling heavy - I had all the symptoms. I had even confided in friends that "just maybe" we were cooking a #3 babe. I was actually pretty upset last month when we weren't pregnant - because we have been trying and praying for an addition. It's normally very easy for us.  Finally, I made my way into my doctor to find out what was up. And this is where I hang my head and just do a deep sob because I'm completely in mourning over what my sin of gluttony and lack of self control has gotten me.
My Dr is awesome. She's a mom of two and is like 5'9 or taller and has a great sense of humor. She's also pretty good at just saying things like they are and not sugar coating it, but it still sounds caring. She's great. After taking my stats and all that jazz she asks if I'm exercising. "Um, well, we walk sometimes". Then she asks what symptoms I've had so I tell her. She plugs in some numbers on the screen and then just tells me as it is...

"I'm sending you home with a glucometer so you can keep track of your blood sugar. You need to get moving and drop weight, right now you are close to the prediabetes level." 

She blinks and smiles and tells me that once I  get rid of  X amount of weight I'll be fine. Easy peasy.  I'm just sitting there and I have a million excuses and I just want to scream, "You don't understand!!!! I genuinely neeeeed that hershey bar at 10pm because my  kids are finally asleep and it's quiet and...." But I know my excuses are just that. And that verse about things done in secret comes to my mind. Even food, Lord? Yes. And maybe even "especially" food.

I was embarrassed to share this with my husband. I cried on the way home and wanted to stop and buy a snickers bar. (I didn't, for the record.)  But, praise be to God that in the last few days He has been working on me. Soothing the fears and reminding me of truth. I lost weight once, I can do it again... for His glory. So, I woke up this morning and felt more determination then I've had in awhile. We went walking this morning, the girls and I, then we had a healthy lunch and I'm downing the water like a mad woman and praying my whole way through it. My sugars are being tested and I'm logging them for a few weeks. My Dr called yesterday to let me know ALL my lab work came back normal - Liver is great, thyroid is great, cholesterol and all of life is great. The only concern was my Vitamin D levels that seem to always stay SO low. But, I think that's just life. I'm supplementing and catching a few rays when I can.

The moral of my story is that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not home yet. This life and this ol' tired, chubby body is temporary, but it matters what I do with it. I don't think I forgot that, but I got lazy and let the snacks and lack of self control rule rather then self discipline and a focus on the Lord. Always a recipe for disaster...and, trust me, I know about recipes. :)

So I took some time yesterday to get back to menu planning. We are still living with family so I have been just kind of winging it and I'm learning that THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I'm a planner and I need a plan. I checked out some of my favorite cooks cookbooks at the library and we are ready for healthy meals again. My husband has also informed me we will commence family walks after dinner. I love him. Man, he loves me...

 

Tonight, on the menu is Giada's Beef & Cannellini Bean Minestrone. It's hearty, chocked full of veggies, and the super lean ground beef & beans will have plenty of protein so I won't crave that 10pm chocolate. And isn't in intriguing that our bible study last night with the teens revolved around this...

 ^17" Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Phil. 3

Amen. Ah, Lord... work in me today.

Keeping Sane.

It's been a rough couple of days and my pounding headache at 10:30am proves that. I'm tired and my kids seem to have endless energy {and naughtiness} and we seem to have no norm at this point. Hubs has had a busy weekend and week getting ready for our fall ministry kick off, we had a death in the family so there were funeral processions, etc. and I don't think the girls have been to bed before 10pm in over a week.

It's okay to admit when you feel like you have slipped beyond the end of your rope. I'm there, too. I admit it. And I praying and asking the Lord for strength for just one more day.

I know that our transition will not last forever.
I know that in these difficult days I'm being molded and changed.

During nap times I've been diving into books about female missionaries through the ages and gleaning such wisdom and strength from them and their testimonies of faith in the Lord. Noel Piper put out a great book called, "Faithful Women and their extraordinary God" which has really changed my whole concept of "comfort".

 

Oh what a spoiled housewife I can act like some days...when I forget my mission. And when for some reason I am living for COMFORT rather than living for GOD. 

Perhaps later when I have more then 5.89 seconds to myself I'll share a few of the other things I've been learning. God is faithful and I continue to see Him in new ways during this time. And to those sitting there today who, like me, are just trying to keep sane an hour at a time... I'm with ya. His strength is perfect, hang in there!

Reality check, and it hurt

A moment of solace by the river yesterday...

Yesterday was not good. It ended around 9ish last night in my big girls bedroom. I was at my absolute limit. One child's behavior had been off the charts awful ALL day, another child is learning to say "no" and screamed for about 45 minutes while I tried to deliver a meal to a friend who is due with a baby any day. Add to that some intense stress over moving that I just cannot seem to let go of - even though I know that stress helps no one and nothing. I know that! But back to the bed room. It was late and I had gotten everyone bathed and jammied and my nerves were just about as frazzled as they could get, when the big girl mouthed off to me...again. The dam of hot tears I had held in all day just collapsed. My girls stopped being naughty on the spot and my little one said, "Mommy crying". Yep. Again.

I couldn't think of what to say to them or how to explain how sometimes parenting and being an adult is SO difficult - especially after a week of doing it alone 24/5, all with a happy heart in joyful service to the Lord. I couldn't explain to them why outside stressors involving moving and finances was weighing on me. And, they really don't get why their sin is such a problem right now... So, I had only one option and I took it. I sat down and put one girl on each leg and we prayed. I cried and asked God to forgive me for being angry and short with my kids. I asked Him to redeem Ava's heart and show her the need for a savior, Jesus. We prayed about peace and how awful sin is to have in our home. Both kids were silent in those moments and neither of them even tried to wiggle free per their usual. So I prayed on. We prayed for Ava's bad dreams and Auggie's naughty saying "no" habit. I asked God, right there in front of my kids, to teach me how to love them like He does. And I just cried. We said "amen" and my little one looked up and said, "You wipe you tears" and brushed a big ol' fatty hot tear off my cheek. I love that kid. Ava had a look on her face like she could join me in crying - so I just asked her, to her heart, "How can we love each other so there isn't all this yelling and ugliness?". She didn't answer. But I am thankful for the moment of tenderness and I pray that one day she will know Jesus and confess of her sin. Everyone was in bed after that, and I followed shortly thereafter and we all slept til after 8am this morning. Amen.

But, perhaps, another reason I was feeling so very low last night had nothing to do with my childrens behavior or moving stressors. In fact, I know it was something else - it was a tough reality check. You see, we've been doing some pantry living for a few weeks now. No grocery shopping, no spending money, only eating and using what we have around the house or what is given to us. It's starting to wear on me. I'm spoiled and used to extras and special treats and grocery shopping whenever I need to. It's a pride thing almost. I love making meals for people and suprising my own family with delicious meals and lately it's been a whole lot of ramen, mac n' cheese, hot dogs and mystery casseroles. For which we are VERY thankful to have - but its out of our norm.  Then last night, I had some nice reality slap me in the face in the form of a free cookout at the park.

These children and these people have so little. They live in my city, some on my street. What we are doing now with the scrimping and saving and constant feeling of pressure is their norm. My selfishness and lack of faith makes me ill. My heart breaks for my wrong thinking and pity parties over not having any more milk this week or name brand coffee. So, So, stupid. Not to mention the spiritual needs...

I met families last night who had next to nothing and came to the cookout for no other reason except to have one meal. Refugee families and even some in our working bracket. And I knew it was happening...but, it hasn't been in my face for a long time.

It's been a week of learning for sure. I fail so often and God is gracious and forgiving. His mercies are new again today, like He promised. And, in a few hours I'll pick my biggest girl up from her time at VBS and I'm praying for opportunities to love her and speak sweetly. Life continues on and stresses come and go - but, we are so rich and full from our Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm clinging to Him today. He cares. And you know what else? Chicken nuggets and canned peas sounds pretty good for dinner tonight. I don't think I've ever been more thankful for pantry food! 

I'm not anxious

Yup. Somedays.

And on those days... what a great sense of rest I get from remembering - it's all in His control.

Good, bad and the ugly. 

Catching up

Well, well, well...

July 9th, summer is underway, it's muggy-sticky-hot, my husband is on a missions trip with some of our teens this week, and I'm absolutely in standing still mode with packing up our home to move. Hmph.

I may have pinned some Autumn ideas on pinterest.
I may have been listening to Christmas music on Spotify.
I may have put my black sweat pants back on now that kids are napping.
I may lie in my bed and read the next Lynn Austin book in the series I'm in, rather then pack.

Ah yes, summer. While I do enjoy your pleasant views of green and blue - the splashing of pool water and the nice shade of "deeper paste" on my skin... I don't care for the heat or the sweat. Jus' saying. But there are some postives. In a few weeks we'll head to camp with our teens and stay in a cabin in the woods. LOVE that week every summer. Then there's the whole... not having to shovel snow, etc. :)

But I'm getting sidetracked.
Life is busy here. Ministry is busy, kids are growing and changing up here at home, boxes are everywhere, and we still have some time to go. We are doing a lot of pantry eating to keep from spending money - that has been interesting. I'm beyond thankful for my girls love of canned beans :) I tell you what, they could probably eat those every night and be happy.

The Lord continues to provide over and above what we even ask for in the area of "needs". We have been given shoes for our girls, clothes and coats, random bags of canned food, gift cards for birthdays, etc. I'm writing it all down in a notebook and I'm trying hard to pause at some point in each day with the girls to share with them how the Lord is working in our lives. Somedays they just don't care...but, I pray someday they will.

To be very honest - I'm struggling with the here and now. I feel like we are living in transition and it's difficult for me. The unknown with our move, the wait before the new house, really not having a "summer" because of packing/unpacking/basement living... it's just weird. Daily I find minutes in my day where I'm just emotional and feeling out of control - and it really takes a disciplined effort to stop and remind myself that God is in control, has a plan, and...it's a good one. Then all is well again. Oh how I long for the day when I'm no so fickle.

Overall, things in Pausleyland are fine. We are crazy busy and scattered, but fine. The Lord is good and righteous and pursues my heart and brings me back to truth every time I start to wander. I'm thankful for that.

Me and Mrs. Graham

I've been sitting here trying to think of catchy or cute way to introduce this post. There isn't one. Bottom line truth is - raising kids is HARD and often EXHAUSTING and THANKLESS. Life is DIFFICULT sometimes and the road just seems to wind on and on somedays and you wonder when all the CRAZY will end and you make it to NORMAL. This is where I have been. On that winding road stuck between crazy and normal. The impact of boxing up our home, stress over finances, and life in general has been a bit much on me and now I'm seeing it in my kiddos. Add to that the awesome blessing of having a husband in full time ministry - which means he works those "weird" hours and needs to be gone to serve the Lord. For this I am thankful, but will admit it is difficult somedays. I woke up yesterday feeling the weight of the entire world on my shoulders... my journal reads like this:

"I woke up feeling like a failure...I missed the 5am prayer {again!}, Ava woke up early and I was grumpy with her and I was crying by 8am. August has been crying 3/4's of our morning so far. It's my birthday week and I feel just plain ol' defeated. I'm tired of all the mess. Tired of boxes. Tired of being so broke. Weary of whining kids and bored with monotony." 

Aren't I a ray of sunshine? :) I know we all have those days, but I keep having them. To be honest I have felt so very alone in my bad days and wondering if maybe I was the only woman who really battled with life like I have been. Maybe that sounds silly...but I was wondering.

Wednesday night I made a pit stop at our church library to look for some fresh reading. Something challenging. I had been wanting to read the book, "It's my turn" by Ruth Graham {Billy's wife} and it was on my Amazon wish list - but, apparently it's super old and expensive. :) Who knew!? There on the church shelf was a copy. The rest of Weds night did not go well - I even had to leave the youth bible study time with my children screaming through the parking lot only 30 mins into the night. Blah. But I did get to start reading it yesterday, and oh my is it refreshing. Not only did that woman love the Lord with her entire life...she loved her ministry husband, children, and anyone else brought into her path. But ultimately what has been the biggest highlight of this book so far was her journal entry titled "Help". She was in the thick of raising 5 children while her husband toured the country evangelizing, often leaving her alone. These were here thoughts:

"Dear Journal,

Reading again from Exodus 33:12-16. This job of training five little Grahams to be good soliders of Jesus Christ is too big for me, who am not a good soldier myself. Feeling particularly distracted (or I should say overwhelmed and confused) this morning, I have been looking to the Lord asking, "Where, from here?".

Bill will be leaving soon for the San Franciso meeting. And I almost have a sinking feeling. Not altogether a left-behind and left-out sort of feeling, but swamped, knowing that all the things I have depended on others to do, I shall have to do myself.  

And things have not been going smoothly. There is a terrible amount of fighting among the children, ugliness and back talk from GiGi, and peevishness on my part backed by sporadic, uncertain discipline. I am not walking the Lord's way at all. I am doing what I feel like doing rather then what I ought to do. Three verses hit me hard: "She who is self indulgent is dead even while she lives" (1 Tim. 5:6), and "The fruit of the spirit is...self control." (Gal. 5:22-23). 

Self-indulgence is doing what we want rather then what we ought. I had always thought of self-control applying to temper or to drink. But what about the almonds in the pantry, the ice cream and chocolate sauce, the candy which I know will add unnecessary pounds and make my face break out? What about controlling my tongue? My tone of voice? Standing up straight? Writing letters? All these and many more need controlling. 

And I don't look well to the ways of my household. Children well taught even to brushing teeth and keeping rooms straight. Regular family prayers at the supper table. Children's clothes, kept mended and neat and organized. Getting ready for Sunday on Saturday. Well, there's no use going into it all. It just boils down to the fact that I am not being a good mother.

So I took it to HIM this morning, I want above everything to be the kind of person He wants. If He had His undisputed way in my I would be. Eveything would solve itself. The place to begin in here, the time to begin is now. And as I reread Exodus 22:12-16, the phrase that jumped out to me, which I had never noticed before, was : "Show me now THY way."

Wow. This could easily be a page from my own journal... time and again as I battle my flesh to win and love my family and serve the Lord. As I read this entry I just cried and cried and smiled and laughed. She got it and I'm starting to get it. It's in those moments where the growth happens and the Lord's grace abounds and the Holy Spirit guides. Ah, Mrs. Graham... I think we could have been great friends. What a timely blessing her wise and honest words are to this tired momma's heart.

He knows me. He knows ME.

Our beautiful downtown

So I'm reading through this book, "Glimpses of Grace" by Gloria Furman and I know, I know, I keep mentioning it. But, I'm doing it again. This book is making a HUGE impact on me - through Gloria's writing and the truth of God's word that she weaves in... it's beautiful, convicting, and ultimately challenging me in new ways.

While it's not news that I have been battling and waging a real war of faith right now - I guess I never realized how important these moments can be. Like, for real, it is a real all out fight some days to sit back and have Faith in a God that I cannot see with my human eyes. Oh, I believe in God and I can see so clearly how He has worked and continues to work in my life. I feel the Holy Spirit working on me and through me - it's not a question of that. My war is more one of having faith in the promises of God vs. trying to do things myself all.the.time. That moving-mountains-kinda-faith thing. Ah, I want that. But every few days I find myself once again humbled before the Lord in tears asking forgiveness for my doubt and worry and fear - as if I trembling over bank account numbers and logistics is the end of the world. Seriously, I'm annoyed with myself. Then on a spiritual note - I just ache over feeling like "why can't I get this together?!"... mope, mope, mope. Pray more. Mope. Lord, WHY can't I trust?!  So, what a timely and encouraging reminder to come across this paragraph this weekend in my reading.

"Feeling futile over our inability to trust God when we're anxious should not be a source of despair. This is an occasion to worship! How great is God, who is so desirable and worthy of our worship that our hearts must feel empty when we know we're not full of his Joy! How merciful is Jesus, who gave us His righteousness and bears away our sin! If you have any sorrow, if you experience any reluctance over your hardness of heart, do not be discouraged. You would not feel that way if the Spirit of God were not at work in your life. If you were left to your own devices, then there would be no need to feel like kicking yourself because you know you're missing out on seeing 

and savoring God."

He knows me. He knows ME. My heart and it's wanderings don't surprise Him or annoy Him. He prompts me to worship Him because of my failures, give thanks for His mercy, and savor Him.
And I'll tell ya - that paragraph brought liberty to my very soul at the exact moment it was needed. I won't despair when my anxiety seems to rise and I'm done being disappointed with myself... because that's exactly the whole issue - eyes on self, rather then eyes on Christ. Must look up. :)

I'm a work in progress and I just shout out THANK YOU LORD for working on me. So, that's where I am today. It's a good place - not easy, but good. And you know - I think this whole day was just a gift to me anyway. The blue in the sky and an amazing sun was like a big ol' hug from my God. I see Him in those things. Beauty. A morning outside with my girls was just the ticket!

And...He knew I needed these two goobers, too. :)

Just rest, sister

"When you just can't see how you can go on, or you notice that you have become obsessed or overwhelmed by your circumstances, cling to Jesus."  -Gloria Furman

It's like these very words were written down just for me today. As I continue to battle my flesh and mind - a very real war might I add - over the temptation to worry and fret. What you don't know is that we went to look at a house yesterday. A lovely, spacious, more then we even thought possible, house. Of course I loved the fenced in back yard completed by a swing set, landscaped everything, and amazing deck. Not to mention the finished space in the basement, extra living room {with fireplace!}, and that it's a whopping 2 mins from my husbands work. {grin} It's in exactly the right location and meets every single one of the things on our wish list - well, minus the fact it only has 1 tub.

The problem is always paying for things. Ha! Can I get an amen on that? I guess somedays I just feel so blindsided by reality - who knew things were so expensive?! So, while I believe with my whole entire heart that the Lord has His hand not only in the situation but OVER it... this little feeble and frail heart just wants to sit on the ground and cry like a baby with worry. And the thing is...it's JUST money. I found myself obsessing over details and dollar signs and making everything line up just exactly so - in the meantime trying to keep my mind in tune to the fact that Christ rules and reigns and there is NO pressure when I rest in that. Lastnight as we climbed into bed after another long day of ministry and life - my eyes would not close, literally. While my body was exhaused, I couldn't shut down the ol' brain. My husband took my hand and we prayed short and simple prayers - for direction, for peace, for timing. And best of all... that if this was NOT what He had for us, that it would be made known. 3 hours later, after tossing and turning and plotting in the dark - I fell asleep.

It's a new day and the temptation to freak out is present. Even now I'm on the verge of being on the edge. So I cling to Jesus and the promise that He's in control and He knows my lack of understanding in all things - including having faith. I'm fighting hard and reminding myself to do what I need to and then, rest. Whatever your circumstances are today - I pray that you can rest, too. And cling to Jesus who knows our hearts.

Two things are for sure...

First thing. The Lord directs us.Following in Faith, with expectation is so important. As a friend text me this morning, 

"Praying for you that the Lord will help you keep your thoughts captive." 
Oh, how she knows me. 

"Trust the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not rely on your own understanding.

6 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make your paths smooth."

Proverbs 3:5-6

And second, Worry only chips away at our souls. Angst is the enemy.

 “So I tell you to stop worrying about what you will eat, drink, or wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothes?

“Look at the birds. They don’t plant, harvest, or gather the harvest into barns. Yet, your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they?

 “Can any of you add a single hour to your life by worrying?

 “And why worry about clothes? Notice how the flowers grow in the field. They never work or spin yarn for clothes.  But I say that not even Solomon in all his majesty was dressed like one of these flowers.  That’s the way God clothes the grass in the field. Today it’s alive, and tomorrow it’s thrown into an incinerator. So how much more will he clothe you people who have so little faith?

 “Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Everyone is concerned about these things, and your heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them.  But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you.

 “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

I'm so thankful for these truths and I'm asking the Lord to sustain me with them on this day full of unknowns. 

Silence

I can't seem to bring myself to this keyboard and write anything. I've sat down a few times and debated in my head what I wanted to say. But then I push back, sign out, walk away. And while, yes, life is busy - my reason for not writing is not so much due to choatic schedules and to-do lists...but, because I think my heart is too heavy and the words just escape me right now.

While in FL I don't think the severity of what was going on in our world had fully hit me. I mean, I was on vacay. It's easy to click through some news feeds of bad news and onto the "Good stuff". But this week, I can barely even get on the computer - any kind of program - without being confronted with BIG BOLD sin and total despair in our world. I've also left the TV off for the same reason. Because, I know it's there.

I can't put words behind what I feel when I read this "Gosnell" case. How 5 years ago I held my 8 week miscarried baby and sobbed as we drove to the hospital pathology lab. I would have given ANYTHING to have kept that baby alive and growing within me. The agonizing pain of handing your tiny baby over to a path lab worker in a lunchbag - that MESSES with a person. Though, I was and still am covered in grace. But even then... that's not the point. I'm silenced and dumbfounded about what I'm seeing and hearing and want to just SCREAM out for those babies. Sin in my life is no better or worse then that sin - but, LORD, WHY?! Those babies. Oh Jesus, do you hold them? How this breaks your heart. Those mothers, girls even, who just have no idea of the hope and life in Christ. They are empty and lonely and blinded by sin and death. I want to SCREAM out for them.

But instead, I'm silenced. There are no words, only heartbreak. Like I'm gasping but nothing will come out.
Lord, come quickly.

Distractions.

Something is bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on just what it was... until about 2 seconds ago.

DISTRACTIONS.

We will celebrate this weekend, the low of Good Friday and remembering our Lord crucified in obedience to Father God for our good, and the High of resurrection Sunday - up from the grave he arose and still reigns!

But it seems many believers {self included} are caught up in distractions:

That red equal sign.
Abortion in our world.
Guns.
Actions of our president...and his wife.
What church is doing what and when and how.
Legalism.
Rob Bell's new stance on whatever.
Basketball.
Paleo vs. McDonalds...geesh.

So now, at least in my mind... I'm distracted. Daily. Instead of taking time to really ponder this holy week... I'm frustrated, irritated, and worrisome over things that really - I have zero control over. (ok, minus McDonalds!)

Satan never backs down. He would LOVE to distract us from the purpose of our weekend. He would love to see a bunch of believers fussing at each other over this-that-and-the-other-thing.

Let's work together and hold tight to our faith. Love people like Jesus did... and ignore the distractions to focus on Christ, RISEN, and reigning... and, by the way, totally in control.

Heavy Days & the Silver linings

My mom continues on with her time in the hospital. Her surgery on Tuesday has come and gone but small complications still remain. Even though I'm not there I know she is weary. So my heart is heavy for her and we continue to pray the Lords healing...

In the mean time - more heaviness. One of our pastors has had a heart attack and is in the hospital. So we wait and we pray and we hope and whisper pleas to our God.

Throw in other sad news from all over the place... so many heavy days.

And yet, the silver linings and the golden moments are all around me:
-toddler playing dress up looking a hot mess and simply adorable
-hugs from a very grumpy 4 year old after several days of nonstop grumps and disobedience
-cell phones to reach family far away
-husband sleeping in after a busy ministry night
-attempting spring cleaning and realizing your own bounty {aka: excess...we'll deal with that one later}
-friends having babies left and right! Ahhhhh newborns!
-making meals for said friends and finding so much joy in serving
-secret new pregnancies and hope for the future :) -not me...yet!
-birds doing all kinds of chirping and reminding me SPRING is coming
-EASTER this month!
-new creamer for the ol' cuppa joe first thing
-success in the diet for at least a whole day
-smoothies, with avocado. Haven't tried it? You must!
-blog reads about silly things like deals and books and etc. Lightness.
-freedom to pray, turn off the news and think TRUTH.

What are your silver linings today?

Happy Homemaker Monday

First, let me just say THANK YOU to Miss Sandra for this encouraging picture above. I always love her HHM pics, but this one just really gears me up for all things sunshine and picnics! :) 

The crazy weekend is over and it's time for another week. My husband stayed home this morning and blessed my socks off. I'm so thankful for him. Our youngest woke up at 4:15am. I rocked her and laid her back down and then she woke up again at 5:30. At this point I just tucked her into bed with us...where I lie there feeling every jostle and kick to my side. Eventually dozed off only to feel the precious one poking me in the face saying "nack", which if you read yesterday...means "EAT". Hideously early morning {after staying up TOO late watching Duck Dynasty. I'm hooked.}.

Anyway, hubs let me nap on the couch while he took care of everything. He fed the first born, played with both children, brought me coffee on my couch bed later, changed diapers,  and then my fave - took them both upstairs to do crafts while I watched an hour uninterrupted "Mad Hungry" while still on the couch. He really got me today - knew exactly what I needed. I love you, B!

I haven't divulged a lot of information about what's going on in my life - but I have hinted enough. Tomorrow my mom has surgery to remove uterine cancer. Even saying that word makes me shudder. And cry. I hate it. I hate seeing it even now on my screen. I just want to think that hitting delete would not only remove it here but... in my sweet mom. Would you join me in praying? Her surgery is tomorrow at noon EST. There are still some unknowns and not being able to be there with her is horribly difficult. But, even in that- the Holy Spirits' comfort is strong on me. I so appreciate your prayers. 

But now, on to the day. Happy Monday, fellow homemakers. :) 

The Weather:::

Ya know, I haven't even set a foot outside. Let's see - out my bedroom window the sun is trying to peek out from behind lots of GRAY. 

Right now I am:::

Finishing my 2nd cup of coffee with my Bailey's Brown Butter Pecan creamer. Don't judge. ;) 

Thinking:::

Even in the midst of a crazy faith test... God is so kind. His mercies really are NEW every morning and He uses the body of Christ to meet such specific needs. Praise the Lord!

On my reading pile:::

Started "I used to be so organized" by Glynnis Whitwer this weekend. 

Charged the NOOK back up so might read through a Gooseberry Patch cookbook I got for FREE. 

On my tv::: 

We caught the last hour of "The Bible" via History channel last night. We might watch that off and on. 

Duck Dynasty - whenever I can find a new episode, or, anytime its on in the evenings. They are TOO funny. 

Favorite Blog post this week (mine or other):::

This story about a husband caught up in sin and the redeeming power of Christ in his life. Check out "Senseless" Here. 

Something fun to share:::
I'm not feeling particularly fun today. Especially with the impending surgery and the fact that I STILL have to finish our taxes. Boo to fun. {ok, kidding} But really...no fun to share. 

On the menu for this week::: (linked a few if you'd like to use them)
Monday -  Corned beef & cabbage
Tuesday - Cottage Pie
Wednesday - left over night
Thursday -  Chicken pesto Pizza
Friday - Sausage Pizza Piena
Saturday - Tortilla casserole
Sunday - Sausage scalloped potatoes

On my to do list:::

Taxes. Gag.

Start some laundry

general tidy of the downstairs

mop kitchen floor

fill out March calendar, menu plan, and day planner {but I love all three of those to do's!}

What I am sewing, crocheting, knitting or creating:::
Well, I'm working on writing up a book review for "The Hole in our Holiness". Which, is a kind of creating. :) It's taking more brain power then I thought as I'm really thinking through so much of what Kevin DeYoung had to say about holiness. So good! 

Homemaking Tips:::
Don't ever let your children play with Uno cards. 

But seriously...

the dollar tree sells some super cute plastic shoe boxes which are the perfect size to store toy sets. My girls have THREE minnie mouse sets and I can fit all three minnie's, two minnie scooters and ALL her hairbows into one box. It's tidy and they can put it away themselves. All for a buck! 

Looking around the house:::
Hubs made the bed. Man, he's good! 

My bedrooms windows need some serious attention...but I refuse until it's done snowing. 

From the camera:::

My biggest girl so enjoying her big girl class at church. With her best buddy since she was 6 months old.

On my prayer list:::
My mom, Toni. All day today and tomorrow.

Brother making life decisions.

Husband in ministry.

Wisdom in parenting.

Bible verse, Devotional:::

I'm attaching a link to my husbands message on Sunday from Acts 4. He did a great job reminding us that generosity is a commandment to believers! 

If I were being honest...

It has been a rough couple of days. My children have been disobedient in every way, my husband has been very busy with all thing ministry - meaning lots of hours at home alone, for me, with said disobedient children. I have a sensitive family issue "back home" where I grew up that I am feeling SO far away from. Helplessness comes to mind. I'm feeling disconnected from friends and due to the seemingly endless amount of snow we keep getting... I'm about a day away from pulling my hair out. Or, just crying. Yes, crying would be much more manageable.

But you know...
It really is ALL good. And life goes on. The snow will eventually stop {in June. I kid, I kid!} and my children will grow up and ministry will slow down at least for a day or afternoon. Even on these crazy difficult days there are always things to give thanks for.

#1 - super cuddly {almost} 2 year old.

Give this girl an afghan and she'll cuddle you all day. I found her hiding in big sisters bed this weekend, with big sisters special afghan. Sneaky little thing. I couldn't help myself...had to join in the comfy snuggling.
She has started talking and we hear the funniest things!
-"wheats" : what she asks for EVERY morning for breakfast. Meaning, frosted mini wheats.
- when you say her name or tell her to look at something, she turns her head and very directly says, "What?". Semi sassy... we'll need to work on that one.
- "Go pay" is her way of saying she's done with whatever we are doing and wants to play
- "teets" : wants to brush her teeth
- "bane-tee" : how she says blankey
- "pea" : we watch the Veggie Tales "Sweet pea beauty" almost every day as it is her FAVE. She says it over and over and over until you give in ;)
- "My mommy, my daddy, see-see, Auddi" : how she talks about our family. This is my favorite thing she says right now. She just loves to list off everyone around her.
- "read" as she plops down onto your lap with a good book
- "nack"...fruit snacks or eating in general. She wakes up saying this word.

Love that kid. So thankful for her! {tear} cannot believe she'll be two soon!

This weekend while daddy was away we had a girls ice cream night @ home. We swung by McD's and grabbed 3 snack size Mcflurries - one in each flavor. I let the girls choose what they wanted. Ava chose the Oreo and August chose M&M's flavor. They thought it was so fun to eat ice cream so late at night... I learned the hard way about too much sugar before bed. But it was fun at the time. :) Live and learn.

 

Life is busy and the temptation is to just put your head down and "get through it". I don't want to live like that. I want to be aware of whats going on around me. Asking the Lord this week to help me keep my eyes on Him and His creation {that includes people!}. 

And now, let's see if we will get that snow storm they are forecasting tomorrow, or not. No matter what.. EYES UP. 
:)

Cornerstone

From time to time a song comes along that seems to touch the heart right where it hurts most. I'm not going to add any fancy chatty chat to this - just share the lyrics with you. Praying the Holy Spirit ministers to your heart with this song, as it does to mine. Peace. 

Cornerstone

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all
He is Lord
Lord of all

Christ alone
Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless stand before the throne.

Tomorrow is Valentines day, ya know.

I really do aim to be positive in my thoughts and speech. I do. It's not only helpful to those around me, but it's a mandate as a believer to be a LIGHT and SALT to a flavorless and negative world. Because I have the truth of Christ risen and active in my life - that's the motive. 

At the Resurgence conference last fall the quote, "Because Jesus lives I live for Jesus" comes to mind often lately. So does the reminder from one of our former pastors {and I'm sure lots of great authors} "We can't just listen to ourselves, we have to PREACH to ourselves." And that preaching needs to be TRUTH. 

Monday night we had our cell group time and we talked about one of Mark Driscoll's sermons - "The Fight". If you aren't familiar...basically, it's the passage in Song of Solomon where the Shulamite won't let her husband in the door at the end of the night. {Song of Solomon 5} Couples fight and most often we just don't do it right - or, even know why. My wise husband pointed out that it seems like the weeks of special holidays - especially Valentines day -  couples seem to have a harder and more argument prone week. Why is that so true?! We chatted about how we try to make that one week so perfect, line plans up, etc. and the stress just seems to mount almost cancelling the joy of the holiday. Seems ironic to me. 

Anyway, all this to say. We are relating to this. After a week on my own last week while hubby was in Chicago - I came down with a weird respiratory cold of sorts. It totally shut me down. Up all night coughing, exhausted during the day, zombie like. The weekend was full of transition back to daddy being home courtesy of our children, and then held sad and difficult news from family far away. Top it off with some heaviness in ministry... and what a "Welcome home my love" my husband received. Obviously, not my intention. Layer on the feelings of failure. 

This week so far has included:

Monday - sitting at two separate doctors offices totaling 3 hours in one day, with two children, by myself. Both trips yielding nothing - no specific diagnosis for myself or supposedly sick kid. Which, I'm thankful for - but, that's a LONG time for.. nothing. 

Tuesday - entire morning of running errands. The ones where you absolutely cannot leave your kids in the car so you have to do the whole load/unload thing like a zillion times. :) Got home in time to whip up some quick lunch and then the head pounding came back... wiping me out for the remainder of the day. Literally. 

Wednesday - woke up feeling a little better today. {Praise the Lord for antibiotics to kick whatever IS going on inside of me!} My house looks like... well, it's very lived in right now. Every room needs something done and we will not even talk about the 1,000,000 pieces of teensy weensy paper pieces scattered around the house by my 4 year old who learned to use kid scissors last week. 

I'm feeling worn and weary and just as I'm starting to perk back up I look around and kind of just want to crawl back into bed {and hope my kids can care for themselves...}. Ever have those days? I know you have. Seems like when Momma is sick - everything just falls apart. So, tomorrow is Valentines day and while I should be thrilled at the prospect of a date night out with hubby - I'm feeling that emotion and dread that I mentioned towards the beginning of this post. Stress is mounting... house in shambles... and the temptation to freak out and ruin a romantic holiday is there. 

Instead, the girls and I spent the morning finishing our valentines for cousins and grandparents. I love hearing them jibber-jabber and getting into the moment. We are turning on some music and getting this house whipped into shape. This afternoon I hope to sneak out to Michaels to grab a few things to make gifts, for the hubs. And I'm just praying to continue feeling better and better. Realizing I have a choice in whether or not I'm joyful is convicting. 

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I'll be ready. Or at least... mentally.

And, here's the gist of what hubs will be getting. :) {thank you pinterest!}

February 8 - a note to the aching

Dear friend who is battling today,
I understand. 
And while I don't know the specifics of your war - I know my own, and how my heart and flesh seem to want to take over. Worry. Angst. Fear. We want to cling to those things as if they were the salvation in the situation. But they aren't. We MUST cling to our Hope in God. We must trust and believe He is good and all things work for good - according to His will.

"Whatever our faith says God is, He will be."

Think about that.

As I tossed and turned last night, then dozed only to wake up from nightmare's... the still, small, voice was my comfort. The reminder of His goodness. Unquestionable. And then today in the middle of scary unknowns and out of control waiting...this thought...

"Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when  you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms. 

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-Frances de Sales

Jan 2nd, and I'm already tired.

At 11pm last night I tip-toed into the baby's room, turned her space heater from the "low heat" option to the fan option, tip toed back out and went to bed. I was tired. Always seem to be tired. But especially drained after a late night on NYE and girls waking up per their normal time the following day. Ah, but that's life. At 3:23am I hear a little voice crying for her momma and to "eeeat". Our toddler hasn't been eating much through the day - just picks and nibbles like a bird - so, she's especially hungry first thing in the morning. Normally morning is around 6:45/7... and not 3:30am. So, I stood by her door to listen and sure enough after a few more fusses she was back to sleep. And so was I soon after. Then again at 5am I hear more crying and fussing. And I'm frustrated with myself because my first inclination is not to be concerned and caring towards my child... my first reaction {and verbal response} is "You have GOT to be kidding me!? I am so tired." My husband has heard this a million times since we began having children 4 years ago. Though, I admit, I'm much more whiny about it now. 

So, I stand by her door again and wait - only this time the crying won't stop and so I open her door to "rescue" her. When the door cracked a wave a heat hit my face and then I realized the bigger problem. Instead of turning the space heater down to "Fan" - I had turned it up to "high heat". So for "X" amount of hours our poor babe was attempting to sleep in a boiling hot room. :( Fail. Big. Mom. FAIL. Her skin was hot and she was understandable cranky. Think back to summer camp days - attempting to fall asleep in your cabin when it was 100 degrees on a summer night. Then, add warm baby pajamas and several crocheted blankets. Yeouch! I felt just awful. So, I grabbed her up and we headed back to my bed. Usually she'll curl right back up and sleep with us until a more reasonable hour. This was not to be today, however. She was mad and hot and wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sleeping. So, we started our morning very early and the little one continues to let me know how displeased she was and still is. Lots of whining, crying, and general grumps are going on. It's January 2nd, and I'm exhausted. This was NOT the plan I had in mind for starting out our new year. 

I had every intention of using this year to really dig in and GROW in the Lord, have time in the Word, bible study and prayer. I wanted to be intentional in the teaching of my children, fun with arts and crafts, creative in my home... but, all I FEEL like doing is laying across the couch with my favorite blanket and sleeping. And maybe crying. They seem to go hand in hand some days. And, I know it's only the second day and that I really don't even need to measure based on days... but, that general feeling of failing is so present today. It's hovering. It's exhausting. How can I do this? How can I be effective when I can't keep my eyes open?! 

Mrs. Charles Cowman, in her book, "Streams in the desert" had something to say this morning that I felt was written personally just for me, only... way back in 1925.

"Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, they coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all they soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with they dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. "Upward to Heaven! Nearer to God! -Spurgeon"

Ah, life water to a thirsty mom this morning. A reminder that my JOY, my PURPOSE, my STRENGTH, doesn't lie in my cup of coffee or even getting 10 minutes alone in the word - {tho I enjoy both!}. These things come from making Christ central in my life, in all I do. And with that motivation... I will press on.