Call me Flip Flop

Oh, it has been awhile on here, eh?
I'm working through some heavy thoughts lately and 50% of the time I feel like my head is on straight, I'm thinking biblically, trusting the Lord, etc. but then the other 50% of the time I'm like an indecisive, mopey monster. That's where I am right now. To be honest, I feel that I've been here for a year now. It comes and goes... my heart and mind arguing and feeling all flip flop. Because I'm a woman and most of my readers are too, I assume I'm not alone in this. We aren't alone. So I'll share today some of my common struggle and we can encourage one another.

Since becoming a wife and mother I seriously DO dream of a simple, satisfying, uncomplicated life. Ha! Writing that out sounds absurd so let me explain.
I, want to honor my husband.
I, want to do special things here and there to show love to him.
I, want to raise my children to respect and love.
I, want to be a fun mom.
I, want to bless my family with all the homemade memories. 
I, want to have a beautiful and comfortable home.
I, don't want to hassle with chore charts and arguments.
I, DESIRE comfort and beauty.

But, sin. It's everywhere. It's my marriage and rears its ugly head through selfishness and pride and anger. It's in my parenting as I seek my own way, answer harshly, or give in too easily. It's in my home as I often find myself lacking contentment for what we have (so much, too!) and pining for the newest, prettiest, whatever. (or in my case, the chippiest, shabbiest, antique) Sin, it's in our world and it affects everything. My family is not excluded. So I have all these desires and ambitions to be a blessing, to seek the Lord and just ooze Jesus in my home - but I get in my own way, quenching the spirit, letting pride ruin things and discontent sour my joy.

Some days I wake up and think - "this is it!". We are going to be grateful, eat what we have in the house, create beauty in our spaces with things we own, etc. But then 11:30 rolls around and in lieu of homemade soup I just want Chick-fil-a, a starbucks and that new bookshelf from Pottery Barn. I loose steam. I forget that God is good, all in a few hours. Because being frugal and wise with money is HARD and shall I even admit that sometimes I get WEARY of it. As if having more would make life easier. Newsflash: it doesn't.

So, I went to bed last night and as I lay there waiting for sleep to come I was literally flip flopping between two schools of thought:

1- I look forward to opportunities to be frugal. Grocery shopping, looking for deals and ways to stretch a buck intrigues me and challenges me. It's good! I've gotten really good at patching holes in kids clothes and watching the Lord blow us out of the water with his provisions in all things. I love this school of thought and I love being in it. I thought through budget meals and how we could cut out this and that to free up more money, reviewed in my mind the trip earlier that day to Goodwill where I found a beautiful Banana Republic sweater for $1.49! Yea baby! Frugal living, I love it! Bring on the challenge! Let's rock this budget.

But then. Almost simultaneously.

2 - I am SO tired of driving ALLLL that way to Aldi. I'm weary of pasta meals and generic diapers. Would it be SO bad to just have a descent new car? Will we ever be out from under these student loans? How long is seminary again? I hate the challenges of budget living, I want freedom, I want more. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Seems like all we do is pay bills. No vacations. No date nights. Blah.

I'm thankful that Lord is quick to draw to my attention His faithfulness in our lives. How he cares and loves and provides. He gives us work! He shelters us with a roof. We aren't promised and don't deserve more. And really it's not even just money that gets me all flip-floppity. It's most things: raising kids, keeping a home, who I am three kids later, what I like, etc.
The Lord is doing a work in my life and I have much to learn. For now, I give thanks! In all things give thanks, my friends. Fellow budget masters: You are loved! Moms feeling like failures, you are loved! Indecisive homemakers, you are loved.

.::ch-ch-changes::.

As if life needed more change. We are at it again switching things up and making some much needed (albeit sometimes difficult) changes. Which explains why my blog has been little more then an online ghost town of a space. :)

First up, duh-duh-duhn...
Meet my friend, Dave. You've heard of him I'm sure. If not, here's a picture.

My husband and I are taking a "Financial Peace" course through our church. So far, SO good. We are only in week 3 and I feel like the take-aways have been helpful and eventually life changing. This week we'll be testing the waters of the envelope system and looking proactively into setting up a solid emergency fund. We have never done either of those - so this should be a good challenge. Our goal in taking this course is to really get a grip on our finances. We praise God that our only debt is student loans (Dave says a mortgage is not considered a debt), and I don't say that lightly... as we both have... enough. (boo!) But being in our early thirties with three children under our belt - we really feel NOW is the time to get serious and take control. We have always lived with the mindset that on payday you set out your tithe, pay your bills and then just don't spend. Imagine my slight surprise to find out there are better ways. :) I'm eager and excited to put what we've learned to practice! I'm also looking forward to being prepared for emergencies, broken whatevers, and extra expenses. {sigh}
So, big change. But it's time.

Next, managing this home and these children.
Yikes. This stay at home mom thing is not for the faint of heart. There are days when I go to bed feeling completely exhausted and yet I cannot actually remember why I'm so tired. Been there?
Part of my problem I'm realizing is that I haven't delegated much out - and I'm taking on everything. Which, I enjoy doing, but it's time for a change here also. So, today I jotted out a few jurisdiction charts for my children and started my "command center" that I hope to get done here within a few weeks. It will be a spot for kids to check off finished chores, see meal schedules, school info, etc. I grabbed a notebook and made a chore chart for myself as well. I constantly feel like I can't stay on top of the house work & organization - so I get overwhelmed and just sit down and do nothing. And then that goes on for several days until our home resembles a Hoarders episode. Or... until we are going to have company. Hey, just being honest.
The organized work schedule is something that I have thrived on in the past and I know it will help me stay on task, and then have designated intentional time for my babies throughout the day. I need this. My family needs this. We have been in survival mode since my 8th month of pregnancy until now. It.must.end.

And, bible study. Another new.
In my 19 years of walking with the Lord I don't think I've ever done a study on the Sermon on the Mount personally. This year our fall ladies bible study is based on just that and it's AWESOME. Seriously. Jen Wilken teaches on a video lesson and then we have great discussion time after. I'm already so challenged on topics like - what really does it mean to be salt? To be light? What exactly do the beattitudes mean? So good.

Lots of changes. Lots of busy but good things.
Ah, life is sweet.

He knows me. He knows ME.

Our beautiful downtown

So I'm reading through this book, "Glimpses of Grace" by Gloria Furman and I know, I know, I keep mentioning it. But, I'm doing it again. This book is making a HUGE impact on me - through Gloria's writing and the truth of God's word that she weaves in... it's beautiful, convicting, and ultimately challenging me in new ways.

While it's not news that I have been battling and waging a real war of faith right now - I guess I never realized how important these moments can be. Like, for real, it is a real all out fight some days to sit back and have Faith in a God that I cannot see with my human eyes. Oh, I believe in God and I can see so clearly how He has worked and continues to work in my life. I feel the Holy Spirit working on me and through me - it's not a question of that. My war is more one of having faith in the promises of God vs. trying to do things myself all.the.time. That moving-mountains-kinda-faith thing. Ah, I want that. But every few days I find myself once again humbled before the Lord in tears asking forgiveness for my doubt and worry and fear - as if I trembling over bank account numbers and logistics is the end of the world. Seriously, I'm annoyed with myself. Then on a spiritual note - I just ache over feeling like "why can't I get this together?!"... mope, mope, mope. Pray more. Mope. Lord, WHY can't I trust?!  So, what a timely and encouraging reminder to come across this paragraph this weekend in my reading.

"Feeling futile over our inability to trust God when we're anxious should not be a source of despair. This is an occasion to worship! How great is God, who is so desirable and worthy of our worship that our hearts must feel empty when we know we're not full of his Joy! How merciful is Jesus, who gave us His righteousness and bears away our sin! If you have any sorrow, if you experience any reluctance over your hardness of heart, do not be discouraged. You would not feel that way if the Spirit of God were not at work in your life. If you were left to your own devices, then there would be no need to feel like kicking yourself because you know you're missing out on seeing 

and savoring God."

He knows me. He knows ME. My heart and it's wanderings don't surprise Him or annoy Him. He prompts me to worship Him because of my failures, give thanks for His mercy, and savor Him.
And I'll tell ya - that paragraph brought liberty to my very soul at the exact moment it was needed. I won't despair when my anxiety seems to rise and I'm done being disappointed with myself... because that's exactly the whole issue - eyes on self, rather then eyes on Christ. Must look up. :)

I'm a work in progress and I just shout out THANK YOU LORD for working on me. So, that's where I am today. It's a good place - not easy, but good. And you know - I think this whole day was just a gift to me anyway. The blue in the sky and an amazing sun was like a big ol' hug from my God. I see Him in those things. Beauty. A morning outside with my girls was just the ticket!

And...He knew I needed these two goobers, too. :)

Just pennies, really.

And life continues on with appointments, meetings, expectations, and...bills. However, I must confess - I was NOT ready for what this "normal" week would bring. After several days of horrible sinus pain I made myself go to the Dr to confirm I DID have a sinus infection. I tried for several days to get rid of it sans antibiotics {only because of my summer experience} but it was no use. A bad infection needs drugs! So "cha-ching" went the cash register on that appointment and pharmacy visit.

At the beginning of the week I mentioned how our vacuum was broken. I thought, with my mechanical wisdom, I could figure it out and fix it myself. Wrong. It's hosed. Not only does the power switch not turn off, bag cover not stay on...but, my hubby attempted to vacuum up my daughters Easter bonnet - and snapped the beater bar. It's kind of our hillbilly machine - all taped up and bungy-cord-ed. {don't judge!} I guess 4 or so years is a great run for a machine we used every week! But the sad fact is - we are now vacuum shopping. Sad because...do you know how expensive those things are!? Although, I won't lie and say I'm not excited about a NEW machine...I can tell you I'm not fond of spending chunks of money all at once like that. So, another "cha-ching".

And just when you think the sound of money literally falling out of your account is ending... you go in for a routine oil change and find out 2 new windshield wipers were needed, and by the way, you need:
- a brake fluid exchange
- two new rear tires
- replace your 02 sensor
and...just for good measure and continued safety...
- a smoke evap test because you have an emissions leak and failed something er other.
And the register rings up numbers in the $ _ _ _ range! {almost _ _ _ _!}

After a call to my daddy {of course} to verify that these are all real, legit things - I just sighed. This IS life.
This IS reality.
And really, these are JUST pennies.
But for real... do all these pennies have to be used up AT ONCE!?

The Front Page

Sunday morning I was home with sick kids... again. My Augs had a suspicious possibility of having pinkeye. I'm still not totally convinced thats what it was - but, for whatever reason - that was my life that morning and I was home. So, unlike my normal Sunday morning routine {wake up early, rush to get ready, ready the children, shove something half way nutritional at them for breakfast, bottle feeding, diapering again, brushing teeth, loading into van...} I curled up on the couch in my sweat pants and cozy socks and read the Sunday paper. Weird. I felt so out of place, but, will not lie and say I wasn't loving it. It was quiet and calm - Augs was napping and Ava playing quietly with Polly Pocket. Bliss, for just a moment...

That is, until I read the front page. This was the top headline...

"8 Things That Will Cost More This Year"

-Health Insurance up 8-12%

-Electricity up 4%

-Travel up 7%

-FOOD up 3% {mainly MILK, pork and beef}

-College Tuition up 3.75%

-Home Insurance up 10%

-Clothing up 10%

-Gasoline up 4 to 5 cents

And of course it was designed with nice pictures and cool fonts to make it look presentable. The irony. And for 2 seconds I had this vision of telling Ava here in a few years, "sorry Honey, we can't send you to college or...buy you a steak...or ever help you with gas money". Dramatic, right?

Anyway, you'd think I'd put the paper down and find something else more encouraging right? Nope. Read the whole thing - even ads. When I was done I felt down and just down right discouraged. There really is nothing good going on. Evil seems to prevail. Sin is everywhere... even in the ads. Or, especially in the ads. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription. I don't love the idea of having that whole pile of depressiveness only to get 2 things of coupons. Ha!

And the moral of all of this - I dunno. Just trying to figure out how to focus on TRUTH. Truth that God is in control and sovereign, despite gas prices and tuition raises. Truth that in all honesty we might not even be here on this earth and to worry is frivoulous. Ultimately... it's just stuff. Stuff we can survive with or without, I know. Thankful for the one piece of assurance today that I'm held in the palm of the almighty God. Creator of all. Sustainer of all. Lover of me. And, the God with a sense of humor...because right above the headline was a sticker for a fitness place that read, "No Ifs, Ands or Jiggly Butts". Well then. Amen.

.:Comic Relief:.

I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.


I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.


You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it's too late!!

Ok, Ok...
Admit it - it's painfully funny. Or, maybe just more painful? :) My grandma sent me this in an email yesterday and I didn't get it at first. Now I just giggle. {and groan thinking about its truth}

But, thought we could all use some comic relief around here. I know I sure could!

When the going gets tough...

{sigh, a loooong sigh} I'm not a huge fan of Maxine and her comic strip - she's pretty crass for the most part, but, today is a Maxine feeling kind of morning and this comic strip was for me. Why, you ask? Oh let me just tell you...

Two days ago I checked my mailbox. I got my new workout DVD, two new books, misc junk mail and... our gas/energy bill. Usually not a big deal. So I open up all the good mail first - look at the books and mentally prep myself for the dvd that I would "attempt" later that day. Then I open the bill.

{GASP}

I am not even kidding you when I tell you that our gas/energy bill is $275!!! With a little teasing note towards the bottom, "your next reading will be Feb. 13th"...as if to say, "haha and we'll be coming after more of your money next month". Yes, I do have a smidge of an attitude about this. I know that I just need to get my "big girl" pants on and deal with it. It's winter, it's freezing, and we have 9ft ceilings. That being said - if you are visting our home anytime soon wear extra clothes. I've turned the thermostat down to a balmy 60, dressed Ava in layers and brought out extra blankets in lieu of gas heat!!! WHO can afford that much for heat?! Ok... I'm over it. The Lord knows and has a purpose for even this...

Continuing on with the theme of freezing weather... our ice storm has ended, but the results are stunning. Here is our backyard at this present time...Our tree is falling apart because its completely coated in ice. Poor tree. We are very thankful for the Lord's protection - so much has fallen off the tree, but it's always away from our house, when it could very easily have been ON our house/garage. Ava seems to think its all pretty cool and loves the sound of the huge branches coated with ice cracking off the tree. Our camera's snow option makes her look all "glowy"... i heart her. :)