The waiting. Sometimes lately I've felt like I was a character in a movie, that this isn't my reality. I'm simply portraying what could happen to those who love the Lord. My books on grieving say that I would come to this point - and that its healthy. The truth is, I feel wonderful. My body is healing and as far as I know almost back to "normal". Mentally, I feel strong and level headed. I'm thinking clearly and realistically (besides my moments of thinking its all still a nightmere).
I'm calling these weeks my "precious days" because there has been such an intimacy in my life that I've never felt before. I feel so close to my husband. Sometimes we'll have the same thought at the same time and that feels fantastic. I feel so aware of my humanity and as a result feel my need for a savior so strongly. I wake up in the morning aware of my humanity, each time I touch my stomach and remember what is no longer there - in the afternoons when I start to feel down, in the evenings when I forget to cry and its only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my baby. I'm human, I hurt...but I also heal. What a sweet release to lay it all at my God's feet - that I don't have to bear this alone. What a precious time to be vulnerable, to feel, to ache, to inch that much closer to an understanding - and yet remain far enough away that I still have that hope and expectation.
Each night I lay awake in silence - each night I ask the same questions - I think the same thoughts -I toss and turn until finally I recite some scripture about trust then drift off. The bad dreams are gone, the soaked pillow is no more, the holding onto Brad until I cried myself asleep is over. And I think to myself "how is this possible"? How has my mourning changed to Joy already - part of me wants the tears back, it felt so good to mourn because it made it real. Why do I feel so strong already? Why do I feel like I'm getting "over" this?
Yesterday in Sunday school we did a word study on the word "trust". I wasn't anxious to look it up because that means I would have to hear it again... trust. Trust - "to enjoy confidence", "faith", "assurance in....". Do you understand that the Lord IS hearing my prayers. Do you understand, could you relate to knowing what the "peace that passes all understanding" feels like?
I was convicted the other day, my first conviction post-miscarriage. It hit me hard, and I wasn't ready for it, but that never matters no matter how you feel. Paul challenged people in 1 Cor to not grieve as those who have no hope. WOW. I...Have...Hope. It may not be the hope that I'll have children and it may not be the hope that my every want and desire will be met - but I have Hope in eternity. I haven't swallowed it quite yet - but I'm still chewing.
Last night before Brad dozed off we had a moment of pillow talk. I have come to treasure those few moments before he falls asleep - where I can ask all of my theological questions and pour out every ounce of confusion on him. He's so calm. He's so sure. I value my husband and I value his wisdom. Knowing that God intended these late night conversations - I value him even more now. Every night I ask him, but last night I asked in a new way - searching, almost.
"Bradley", I say, "God tells us to ask without doubting". "yes" Brad says. "Bradley", I say again, "he also tells us to delight in him and that he WILL give us the desire of our hearts". "yep" he says again. "Bradley, I'm asking without doubting and delighting in him. Will he give us a family?" Silence. Then all too soon... I realize it's not for him to answer. And I realize...he's falling asleep. Father God - I know you see my heart and my desires. Lord, I feel like I'm begging. I DO have hope! Hope in heaven, hope in a changed life, hope in a family someday...