Thursday, June 26, 2008
June 26 - I have exactly one month until I am done with my job. Praise the Lord! I am so eager to spend my days fixing up my apartment and getting things done that have been put on the back burner since our marriage began. But in the back of my mind, hidden behind the excitement of a changed pace... lurks a half fear of the unknown. It's almost July, which means its almost August and we still don't know where we are going next. While friends around us gleefully announce their upcoming plans, house purchases, church acceptances... we smile and wait. I've always felt that God has mighty big plans for us Pausleys, but now as we wait and wait with no answers - asking every day - I have to admit that at times our strong faith starts to waver a bit. The other day I caught myself getting teary eyed and stressed wondering what we would do for insurance come August when Brad's job ends... then I felt ashamed of myself. Why can't I just trust - we know the promises that God has given us. But do we have the garantee of Insurance? Is that a need?
Last night at youth group Jax talked about what it means to be "blessed". We looked at Psalm 16 and a few others that speak of it... and I had such a hard time paying attention. the whole time in my mind I kept acknowledging that yes we are blessed, moreso then some I imagine. But then in the next second I was back to that half worry feeling of, "but what if"... People keep saying things to us that inpsire my fear, I think. One woman says to us every time she sees us - "anything come up yet? You know you guys need to get insurance for that baby..." as if we didn't know this, and her reminder was a newsflash for us. "oh really?" I almost want to say. It's starting to wear on Brad when friends and family ask if we have any plans yet... he feels like a failure even though it's not him, and he's letting no one down. I wish I could instill that in him. I wish I could make somethign happen so that when he comes back this weekend - like magic- an email would be a waiting or he'd get a positive phone call from the church of our dreams. (is there such a thing?)
The most human part of me, which i guess is all of me, just wants to sit in a corner and cry. Cry because I know I have no control over this...so what else is there for me to do? Yes there is prayer and there is hope, but honestly, don't we all sometimes wonder if our prayer requests are on hold because its not 'our turn' or something? So, we wait. We wait and hope and pray that the Lord would provide for us - and he will - despite our lack of faith at time... it may not be our timing and the next few months may be really really hard... but we won't be left forgotten.
The irony of this whole thing - the other day I was speaking with an older woman in the church, somone who has raised 5 children and spent time on a mission field. We were talking about the economy and how raising kids has changed, etc. She told me how sometimes while raising her kids she would have to use dresser drawers as baby beds - and the kids ate whatever the Lord provided. In my cloudy view of life... I smiled and said, "I hope to appreciate life that way that when hard times come I can be creative, etc"....and she looked right into my eyes and said "oh don't worry... the Lord will take care of that". Irony because... well, because maybe my view of life is a little cushioned right now. Jehovah Jireh - our provider... please provide direction, and sanity in our lives right now. WE WILL TruST YOU
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
i remember the words so clearly at our first appointment last fall... "looks like you'll be due on june 24".
we left the hospital thrilled
we called our parents
we called our friends
we lost it two months later.
today was my due date... and while I am carrying another... I'll never forget that first conceived child that wove its way into my heart.
we think of you
we loved you
the pain doesn't go away
Friday, June 20, 2008
However, I wasn't as studied up on the historical part, and not prepared for a few things:
1) How many stillbirths and miscarriages the queens/mistresses had
2) The fairly vivid love scenes in a pg-13 movie
The movie begins with the Queen giving birth...and the child is born a boy, but dead. So they wrap it in a blanket and take it away. The queen is devastated, obviously. Then as the movie goes on... Scarlett begins to miscarry and is put on bedrest - her baby survives. Then Natalie's character miscarries...Needless to say I just don't think I was ready to see that. It wasn't vivid and it never showed any infant bodies - only bloody blankets to give you the idea of what was happening. As I'm sitting on the couch with my hubby watching this heartache... I just about lost it. It probably wasn't the best idea for me to see those images... seeing how I just lost my own precious baby 6 months ago. I shook it off - it is hollywood, I told myself.
Then bedtime came... and it was like as soon as I fell asleep the awful dreams came. It wasn't anything like the movie though - it was like reliving my miscarriage in December. I woke up at 4am and immediately put my hand on my stomach... and in my half alert mind thought "oh no, I don't feel pregnant". So I took a walk around the house - got some water - bathroom break... calmed down and focused my thoughts on true things. Upon waking up again at 6:30 - I still felt weird. Dreams can mess with people. It's more difficult to trust... after losing one. Or maybe it's always difficult and I'm just making it moreso. So, today, I am having trouble keeping out the bad thoughts - and I'm having a hard time because I don't show a ton yet... and I want to, as if showing makes keeping this one more official. Mind games.
We see the Dr on Tuesday for our monthly exam. I am just dying for that doppler to sing the sweet tunes of my little ones' heartbeat. That always puts my faith back in place. All i know is - this child is so very special to me... and I can't wait to be more pregnant and enjoy this time. I want to enjoy the swollen feet, the achy back, the being kicked. I want to wear the clothes and have rough nights sleep... I want to fully live this pregnancy.
Here's a pic of what little Pausley might like this week - It's amazing how formed they are at 14 weeks! P.S....if everything goes as planned - we might find out the gender NEXT month! Any input on that?
Monday, June 16, 2008
But now Monday's aren't as glamorous and they for sure don't inspire me to "start over". When did this change take place?? Maybe it's because my "done date" is in sight... 5 weeks. Maybe its because I don't have half of my computer folders to be effective... or maybe it's because I'm just burnt out on sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Ding, ding ding! So, here I sit, trudging throughout this day - dying for 5:00 to come. I try not to complain and i do try to not have these thoughts - because it is money and insurance... that should be a good motivator.
I think another issue for me (besides feeling exhausted from this pregnancy) is that i feel like I'm not able to be a good wife and home maker. I've heard women talk about this and before I was married I always thought to myself "good grief, what is the issue... go home and mop your floor and be done with it". But now that I'm married, working the 40 hour a week job on top of church stuff, etc... I see the issue. AND I DON'T HAVE KIDS YET. It's literally all I can do to slug up my stairs and blindly pull out something for dinner (usually something pasta) after a work day. I used to be so good at this - I planned my menu months in advance so I knew exactly what ingredients I needed for each meal. I would neatly line them on my counter so that when I got home I could put together our evening meal... then I got a crock pot, which was even cooler - now I could mix it all up and upon arriving home - tada! Dinner! Now, like I said... Pasta Roni has moved in or his cousin Hamburger Helper. I vowed I would never be like this... what's the deal?! Not that these are bad things, reader. Don't be offended by this - this is a personal conviction - thus the reason I am done with my job in 5 weeks. I personally feel that if I can't keep my home clean, dishes done, dinner on the table for my spouse... then I'm not living up to my high calling. I honestly feel like I'm serving two masters - which is weird and over the top...but still, I do.
Every woman has a dream. Here's mine. I wake up with my spouse during the weekday... but I wake up with him so I can put his coffee on and iron the clothes he has laid out. Once I get his breakfast made it's time to pack his lunch and gather his car keys and misc items he's strewn about the house. After he leaves I take an hour to watch my breakfast hour news (Today show) and have some quiet time in my bible with breakfast - not at the same time. Then I go to work on my organized "to do" for the day... organize a closet, arrange the bookshelves, mop the bathroom, laundry, change bed sheets... etc. Pause for lunch and a phone call with hubby. Maybe sneak in a quick nap. After that i finish whatever else needs done house wise...then I begin prep for dinner. Spouse comes home to find dinner table set with me in my apron ready to serve him with a "how was your day?"... We have a nice dinner full of conversation, he's calm because the house is clean and he can actually get down the hall to use the bathroom. After dinner we can actually hang out or have reading time because the concerns of day to day have been taken care of. i would have already mailed any bills that needed paid, etc. He can be free to lead us and love me. That's my dream - however June Cleaver-ish it is... i's mine. And I don't think I'm alone. Sometimes while I'm at work I feel like an alien... WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! I don't even belong. It's like my heart yearns for home.
And, it's only been 13 minutes since I started to write this. Irony. Back to work... back to that feeling of being inadequate... but, oh, the Lord knows this.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Work has been excruciatingly slow this week! Man, i have left with more then one tension/eye strain headache from starring blankly at anything online that could amuse me. I'm pretty sure I've facebooked my fair share this week. I should be thankful for the slow down...but then again... it's difficult when I just don't want to be here. it's also difficult when i know how much I have to do at home that isn't getting done as i sit at this computer for endless hours with nothing to do. I have 6 weeks left at this job... I can't believe it!
We are waiting on the Lord, still, to give us some direction for the fall. Especially with this baby heading our way at the speed of light. There is a lead and we are really hoping that works out... the waiting is getting harder and harder. Some days I just don't know how to cheer or encourage Brad. He has so much on his sholders. We picked my quit date on faith... trusting that God would provide, so now as that time draws near we are eager to see what He will do. Some days I'm so laid back about this... and I feel so perfectly peaceful knowing that God will take care of us. Some days I'm a basket case inside... will we get a place, will insurance be there in time for our transition, where will we live, will I be someone safe to have this baby? We know that the Lord orders our steps... it's so hard to wait. What a beautiful story of our lives he must be weaving.
I'll start week 14 here in a few days. Things feel different now. I'm not huge - still able to wear normal pants even, but... there are new pains that make me so curious. What's going on in there? At our last ultrasound that saw that my right ovary was tucked behind my uterus - it gives me pains every now and again... I think it's when I have growth spurts...or, baby does ( I should say). Today the pain is bad - and there's nothing I can do -or they can do, they said everything was fine and once I grow up and out the pressure will relieve... but, good grief it hurts. This just feeds my desire to pop out and look pregnant already. I have been aching to actually look pregnant. Lord, please protect my poor squeezed ovary... and please continue to grow this little punkin inside me. I think in about a month we'll be able to find out what we are having. I still thinks its a girl... Brad is convinced its a boy. Since I'm not showing no one else can guess. How exciting.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I am supposing that all of these jumble of emotions is normal - feeling madly in love with my husband one minute and then wanting to smack him and run away a second later. Maybe it's because he doesn't fully understand how I am physically feeling or maybe I don't voice often enough the fear I have inside that I'm working through little by little. Fear that I will lose this baby too... so, little situations keep happening with us. It doesn't help either that I just started reading a book "Confessions of a Honest wife" by Ravi Zaccharias' daughter. She explores what submission really means and what a happy marriage really looks like...and makes me question how I'm living and if I'm doing what I shoud be. I don't know if I recommend it yet, but, so far so good.
Anyway, back to my issue of dealing with annoying people. Another thing that came to mind today... all this pent up fear, frustration and anger could be caused by the fact that I'm not consistent in my relationship with the Lord. Yes, it's constant and not based on what I do... but, I haven't been casting my cares at his feet and I haven't felt like cracking up my nkjv for some daily insight because I feel like a user rather then a pursuer. And, again, I suppose every person goes through this. But, today i'm feeling extra sad - and I feel distant from my hubby. I feel like when he looks at me he sees a green monster with four heads and flaming red eyes... when all I really want and am trying to communicate to him is that I want to be loved, hugged and told that everything will be alright. I want the dishes to be done without me asking because I really don't have the energy after a 9 hour work day to even look at them. Such little petty things.
Right now I'm thinking of the line in "How to lose a guy in 10 days" - "I love you Benny, but I don't have to like you right now..."
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Today we celebrated the start of week 12, the end of our first trimester. Honestly, it's unbelieveable. As I read through my pregnancy books and I see how my child is forming and growing I just can't believe it's really happening. This week we are working on finger and toenails, kidneys and hair. God is so perfect in forming his creations!
While I know this isn't a picture of OUR baby... it's a picture taken from the week 12 section of my fave pregnancy website. Hopefully in a few more weeks we'll have a picture to hold of our own baby. So far, so good...praise the Lord! Some days I can't help but wonder how long it will be until the bad comes - but then I get convicted and reminded by the Lord to just rest in Him. He is my comfort.
It's been a crazy last few weeks for us - obviously - but beyond our personal lives, we've had tons of activities with our teens, we are in the process STILL of seeking where the Lord might lead post BBC time, etc. I have loved spending time with the youth group kiddo's, and getting to know Meredith and Jason better has been awesome too. Brad and I have found some great friends in the two of them. We will miss them terribly when we no longer live here.My brother and his wife continue to enjoy their little bundle, Miss Kaci. She's adorable and I miss her - even though we've never met. She's already 3 months old. Ashley does so well with updating us with pics and things... it's great.