He loves us.

This morning as I sat on the front porch for a few minutes alone with my coffee I looked up and noticed my Sedum plants. They are in this absolutely beautiful stage where the green buds are opening up into dark pink and purple blossoms. It only happens in late summer and by autumn they will dry out to be a pretty violet color. But something else caught my attention - the dew. It was covering everything. As I scanned my eyes over the plants, admiring the early sign of the new season coming I saw him. The bumblebee. Completely covered in dew and not moving. And as I looked more I noticed it wasn't just him, but several bumblebees sitting like this. Motionless. Dew coated. Were they dead? Asleep? So strange. Normally these sedums are swarming {literally} with activity so to see them silent and still was abnormal. My little girls joined me and we took some pictures and looked up bumblebee information online. Intriguing! Nothing like an early morning science lesson on the front porch.

After a few minutes another bumblebee flew in. He hadn't been on our plants and wasn't dew coated. We watched as he went from one bee to the next and he seemed to wake them up. It was so captivating to me. He would walk over to the motionless bee, prod him with a leg and like magic the wet bee moved. Then moved some more. Then was frantically walking all over the flowers again as if it had been doing it all along. I've never seen anything like it! It was beautiful.

Now, I'm not a scientist or apiarist by any means, but that was incredible to watch and study this morning. And after a very difficult and trying day yesterday, it was an awesome start to my Monday. Some would look at those crazy bees and think its just a bunch of bugs - but I totally see the hand of God at work, and animals under his reign doing exactly what He created them to do. It was encouraging as I was reminded that all things are under God's sovereignty and BY Him we are allowed and given this beautiful life. He is our God.

Psalm 95 -

Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;
    let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!

Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
    let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise! 

 For the Lord is a great God,
    and a great King above all gods. 

 In his hand are the depths of the earth;
    the heights of the mountains are his also. 

 The sea is his, for he made it,
    and his hands formed the dry land.

Oh come, let us worship and bow down;
    let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

For he is our God,
    and we are the people of his pasture,
    and the sheep of his hand.

This week and upcoming new month brings some new challenges to our family. I'm going to call them opportunites. :) What a blessing to know we are loved, cared for, and that the Lord directs our steps. Be encouraged today, friends. Rest in His love for us.

Trinkets & Treasures: A Mom's pondering...

I'm on my own this week while my husband enjoys a conference in NYC. He had invited me to join him, but I'm thinking that walking the big city at 31 weeks pregnant is not my cup of tea. Not at all actually. So I've got time this week. I've also got lists of things to do...but, that's another issue. {grin}

The last few days I've been mesmerized with my little girls, and let me explain. There is something fascinating about listening and watching little girls play - it almost always involves some sort of treasure or trinket. In my girls case it's jewelry boxes, small polished stones, shells from the beach, occasionally one of my necklaces, dress up shoes and small stuffed animals. Their treasures. My first born especially seems to have a disposition to hoarding, we'll work on that later. Her bed is chock full of every kind of toy possible with just a slim snuggle in room for her own body. I remember being the same way when I was 5 - feeling like each and every treasure needed to be with me at all times.

My soon-to-be 3 year old maybe displays her love of trinkets and treasures the best. She wears them all the time. If you know us at all or follow any of the pictures I share you will almost always see her in a dress up dress loaded down with necklaces and bracelets and the works. This morning is no different. Here is how I found her as I sat down to write:

 

Her sisters church dress and her special blankey as a cape. :) 

Trinkets and Treasures and all the things childhood is made of. We learn early that some things are just more special and worth taking care of. In the last few days as I watch them play and pretend it just draws me in but also convicts me. What am I treasuring now?  Am I still chasing after silly things like a 2 and 5 year old - all that glitters? Over our spring break I was given two beautiful pitchers and I suppose they are kind of treasures to me. I've started collecting them and right now they are kinda my favorite. I love the details, the history (one was made in the 1800's) and how they fit in with my other white pitchers. :)

But as sentimental and lovely as they are, they can't be my ultimate treasure. And maybe this is where the Lord has been hammering on my heart lately - LAY IT DOWN. The things and people I cling to who are taking the place of where only ONE should be. 

This morning I read this sentence -

"It doesn't matter where you are from or what your circumstances are; the greatest reality a mother can appreciate and rest in is the work that Jesus has done on the cross on 

our behalf." 

-Gloria Furman, "Treasuring Christ when your hands are full"

And that is our treasure as mothers, as women, as people who believe - Christs work on the cross. Looking back over the last few weeks of my life it is so evident that I value and elevate all these other trinkets above the true and lasting treasure of that sacrifice. Thanks be to God for his grace and mercy in loving me, pursuing me, and not getting annoyed with my overwhelmed - distracted self. 

Trinkets & Treasures - doing a lot of mom pondering today. Funny how watching our children can sometimes be such a mirror into our own lives.

On my Tree. {weepy momma is at it again}

Precious handmade ornaments

I had some time this afternoon to sit and finish wrapping the rest of our gifts to our children. In typical hormonal prego woman style, I found myself feeling emotional and weepy as I stacked gifts neatly under and around the tree. The Lord has provided for us this year in such HUGE ways - ways we can clearly see and announce "Praise God" look what He has done. For one, living in this home is enormous. I pray we never take for granted how the Lord sold our last one and pretty much flopped this one in our laps. Space. A yard. A basement we can use. All our real needs and even some wants checked right off the list. We are so thankful. Add to that TWO working automobiles that are paid off, money to pay bills and have extras - and that's where I'm going today. The extras.

As I wrapped up the gifts I couldn't help but feel washed over with thanksgiving. Though we will never be millionaires, I feel like we are giving lavishly this year to our kids. We are able to get a few things that I know the girls will really enjoy and I cannot wait to see their reactions on Christmas morning. I really can't want to explain to them that we give gifts to them BECAUSE of God's gift to us, His son, Jesus! What an easy thought for a child to capture. What a thought that this momma needs to meditate on more often. So, I wrapped and teared up, wiped my nose on my sleeve and just cried out some thanks to our faithful God who allows us these good things in life. I am humbled when I look under our tree at the neatly wrapped packages and think back to other years when weren't able to wrap any, really. And this keeps going through my mind - of God's lavish love towards us. So much more than any earthly gift.

^"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,  even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,  to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.  In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,  which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ  as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."  Ephesians 1:3-8

In my quiet moment I took note of each ornament and memory we have made as a family. So precious to think back, remember, and give thanks. 

The first earth born baby

My mom's creativity

Before kids. Who are those young folks?

What a thought.

From my home to yours today, Merry Christmas. Treasure the moments. 

A crazy busy week, because it's important

Even my girls were allowed in the party girls pic!

I went back through pictures from our summer and it seemed to me that the theme was {aside from moving} PEOPLE.  Even in the middle of our busiest and most chaotic weeks, we had other people in the picture. Teens during summer study, friends helping us with our transition, family birthday parties and labor day festivities. Just people everywhere. The above picture is of a middle school girls birthday party that we were included in - such a sweet family, and so thoughtful to invite her ol' youth pastor and wife. :) I actually treasure this picture because it reminds me every time I see it - PEOPLE MATTER. They matter in the good times and even in the chaotic when you can't imagine squeezing in one more person to love. 

Backyard BBQ & car show at church

Not that I am Jesus. Obviously. But He did come to mind a few times this summer in that, I was ready for a break from people. I even needed a rest, no more talking, no more caring... If I had to listen to one more heartbreak or really even one more rejoicing, I was going to lose it. But then I remembered thanks to the Holy Spirit's prodding...Christ's compassion and love for people. Even in moments of such trial for him, like this one after John the Baptist was beheaded.

^13" Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. ¹⁴ When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. ¹⁵ Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” ¹⁶ But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” ¹⁷ They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” ¹⁸ And he said, “Bring them here to me.” ¹⁹ Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. ²⁰ And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. ²¹ And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children." Matthew 14

Now, I'm not Jesus, I have a sin nature and I'm not the perfect son of God. But what an awesome picture to me of the selflessness of our savior. When His heart was broken over the death of his friend and all he wanted was a quiet moment alone - His passion and compassion for the people outweighed his personal desires. I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT! I want to put my big girl pants on and just love people no matter what. 

But I know my temptation. I really, really, really, like my time alone. I really like evenings with JUST my family and I really like keeping on MY routine with my children. {Which, for the record I don't believe is wrong at all...and is super beneficial!}But over the summer and even now into the next season I'm learning and being taught how important it is to LOVE people, to include them in life, and to reach into theirs. 

Girls night for my birthday! Love these ministry minded ladies!

The fall adds several new things to our schedule and at first I balked and pouted: more time outside of our home, more nights of ministry, more messed up routines, less me time. But I can honestly tell you that over the last few weeks I have caught the vision and I'm actually PUMPED about it. Because what else is this life for if not for sharing Jesus, opening our hearts and homes to people who need Him, and teaching my children that the world doesn't revolve around them?! 

Summer Son party at a local park, our teens missions trip - my 4 year old was a helper!

In two weeks-ish (Woot woot!) we'll be in our new home and the very next weekend we'll have a whole gang of junior highers piled inside. And while the task ahead of me is BIG and will require a lot of patience, self control, and love - I'm up for the challenge and asking the Lord to refine and use me in this new life. And as always, I'd love and appreciate your prayers. This week is a doozy and will be a test to see if I really mean what I write here. Leaning on You, Lord. The truth is, I know I'll fail and dozen times or more - and maybe the lesson is even in that. Because it's not about me, it never is, and I'll be all the more dependent on the Lord's strength in my life. But, it's worth it!

Thoughts about food, and...easy sin.

Since graduating college (and being done with organized sports, getting married, having children...) I have come to really enjoy food. That sounds like such a dumb thing to say, because who doesn't? But the thing is - my enjoyment of food used to be kinda cancelled by how active I was. Softball for 13 years, tried track, in every club possible in high school, treadmill in college, even a cardio class with my cheer squad. So I could enjoy food (and my metabolism) and not stress about it.

Times have changed.

I still enjoy food. I could be a foodie I think. I like to plan out meals and base hospitality around some cute thing to nibble now and again...or drink. Don't even get me started on the half a million cozy autumn drink recipes I've come across this last week. Yikes. So much of life is, like it or not, based on the stuff. Food, that is, not autumn drinks. Tho... in my mind... never mind :) .

Over the summer I slacked WAY off on my healthy eating and began living like I was 18 all over again. I was tired and under stress and transitioning. We weren't grocery shopping so my healthy options weren't around and basically I just found myself making one excuse after another. And annoying myself a little more every day. I stopped my food journal and sure enough the weight I had worked SO hard to lose, crept back on. Only I can't even say "crept" because it was more like my body yelling, "hey fat cells...bbq on these thighs tonight, come on over". Open invite. Gross word picture, I know.

Since the beginning of June (when things were starting to feel tight again, clothes wise) I started feeling "off". Honestly I thought I was pregnant, twice. Nausea, exhausted all the time, grumpy, feeling heavy - I had all the symptoms. I had even confided in friends that "just maybe" we were cooking a #3 babe. I was actually pretty upset last month when we weren't pregnant - because we have been trying and praying for an addition. It's normally very easy for us.  Finally, I made my way into my doctor to find out what was up. And this is where I hang my head and just do a deep sob because I'm completely in mourning over what my sin of gluttony and lack of self control has gotten me.
My Dr is awesome. She's a mom of two and is like 5'9 or taller and has a great sense of humor. She's also pretty good at just saying things like they are and not sugar coating it, but it still sounds caring. She's great. After taking my stats and all that jazz she asks if I'm exercising. "Um, well, we walk sometimes". Then she asks what symptoms I've had so I tell her. She plugs in some numbers on the screen and then just tells me as it is...

"I'm sending you home with a glucometer so you can keep track of your blood sugar. You need to get moving and drop weight, right now you are close to the prediabetes level." 

She blinks and smiles and tells me that once I  get rid of  X amount of weight I'll be fine. Easy peasy.  I'm just sitting there and I have a million excuses and I just want to scream, "You don't understand!!!! I genuinely neeeeed that hershey bar at 10pm because my  kids are finally asleep and it's quiet and...." But I know my excuses are just that. And that verse about things done in secret comes to my mind. Even food, Lord? Yes. And maybe even "especially" food.

I was embarrassed to share this with my husband. I cried on the way home and wanted to stop and buy a snickers bar. (I didn't, for the record.)  But, praise be to God that in the last few days He has been working on me. Soothing the fears and reminding me of truth. I lost weight once, I can do it again... for His glory. So, I woke up this morning and felt more determination then I've had in awhile. We went walking this morning, the girls and I, then we had a healthy lunch and I'm downing the water like a mad woman and praying my whole way through it. My sugars are being tested and I'm logging them for a few weeks. My Dr called yesterday to let me know ALL my lab work came back normal - Liver is great, thyroid is great, cholesterol and all of life is great. The only concern was my Vitamin D levels that seem to always stay SO low. But, I think that's just life. I'm supplementing and catching a few rays when I can.

The moral of my story is that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not home yet. This life and this ol' tired, chubby body is temporary, but it matters what I do with it. I don't think I forgot that, but I got lazy and let the snacks and lack of self control rule rather then self discipline and a focus on the Lord. Always a recipe for disaster...and, trust me, I know about recipes. :)

So I took some time yesterday to get back to menu planning. We are still living with family so I have been just kind of winging it and I'm learning that THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I'm a planner and I need a plan. I checked out some of my favorite cooks cookbooks at the library and we are ready for healthy meals again. My husband has also informed me we will commence family walks after dinner. I love him. Man, he loves me...

 

Tonight, on the menu is Giada's Beef & Cannellini Bean Minestrone. It's hearty, chocked full of veggies, and the super lean ground beef & beans will have plenty of protein so I won't crave that 10pm chocolate. And isn't in intriguing that our bible study last night with the teens revolved around this...

 ^17" Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Phil. 3

Amen. Ah, Lord... work in me today.

Reality check, and it hurt

A moment of solace by the river yesterday...

Yesterday was not good. It ended around 9ish last night in my big girls bedroom. I was at my absolute limit. One child's behavior had been off the charts awful ALL day, another child is learning to say "no" and screamed for about 45 minutes while I tried to deliver a meal to a friend who is due with a baby any day. Add to that some intense stress over moving that I just cannot seem to let go of - even though I know that stress helps no one and nothing. I know that! But back to the bed room. It was late and I had gotten everyone bathed and jammied and my nerves were just about as frazzled as they could get, when the big girl mouthed off to me...again. The dam of hot tears I had held in all day just collapsed. My girls stopped being naughty on the spot and my little one said, "Mommy crying". Yep. Again.

I couldn't think of what to say to them or how to explain how sometimes parenting and being an adult is SO difficult - especially after a week of doing it alone 24/5, all with a happy heart in joyful service to the Lord. I couldn't explain to them why outside stressors involving moving and finances was weighing on me. And, they really don't get why their sin is such a problem right now... So, I had only one option and I took it. I sat down and put one girl on each leg and we prayed. I cried and asked God to forgive me for being angry and short with my kids. I asked Him to redeem Ava's heart and show her the need for a savior, Jesus. We prayed about peace and how awful sin is to have in our home. Both kids were silent in those moments and neither of them even tried to wiggle free per their usual. So I prayed on. We prayed for Ava's bad dreams and Auggie's naughty saying "no" habit. I asked God, right there in front of my kids, to teach me how to love them like He does. And I just cried. We said "amen" and my little one looked up and said, "You wipe you tears" and brushed a big ol' fatty hot tear off my cheek. I love that kid. Ava had a look on her face like she could join me in crying - so I just asked her, to her heart, "How can we love each other so there isn't all this yelling and ugliness?". She didn't answer. But I am thankful for the moment of tenderness and I pray that one day she will know Jesus and confess of her sin. Everyone was in bed after that, and I followed shortly thereafter and we all slept til after 8am this morning. Amen.

But, perhaps, another reason I was feeling so very low last night had nothing to do with my childrens behavior or moving stressors. In fact, I know it was something else - it was a tough reality check. You see, we've been doing some pantry living for a few weeks now. No grocery shopping, no spending money, only eating and using what we have around the house or what is given to us. It's starting to wear on me. I'm spoiled and used to extras and special treats and grocery shopping whenever I need to. It's a pride thing almost. I love making meals for people and suprising my own family with delicious meals and lately it's been a whole lot of ramen, mac n' cheese, hot dogs and mystery casseroles. For which we are VERY thankful to have - but its out of our norm.  Then last night, I had some nice reality slap me in the face in the form of a free cookout at the park.

These children and these people have so little. They live in my city, some on my street. What we are doing now with the scrimping and saving and constant feeling of pressure is their norm. My selfishness and lack of faith makes me ill. My heart breaks for my wrong thinking and pity parties over not having any more milk this week or name brand coffee. So, So, stupid. Not to mention the spiritual needs...

I met families last night who had next to nothing and came to the cookout for no other reason except to have one meal. Refugee families and even some in our working bracket. And I knew it was happening...but, it hasn't been in my face for a long time.

It's been a week of learning for sure. I fail so often and God is gracious and forgiving. His mercies are new again today, like He promised. And, in a few hours I'll pick my biggest girl up from her time at VBS and I'm praying for opportunities to love her and speak sweetly. Life continues on and stresses come and go - but, we are so rich and full from our Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm clinging to Him today. He cares. And you know what else? Chicken nuggets and canned peas sounds pretty good for dinner tonight. I don't think I've ever been more thankful for pantry food! 

He knows me. He knows ME.

Our beautiful downtown

So I'm reading through this book, "Glimpses of Grace" by Gloria Furman and I know, I know, I keep mentioning it. But, I'm doing it again. This book is making a HUGE impact on me - through Gloria's writing and the truth of God's word that she weaves in... it's beautiful, convicting, and ultimately challenging me in new ways.

While it's not news that I have been battling and waging a real war of faith right now - I guess I never realized how important these moments can be. Like, for real, it is a real all out fight some days to sit back and have Faith in a God that I cannot see with my human eyes. Oh, I believe in God and I can see so clearly how He has worked and continues to work in my life. I feel the Holy Spirit working on me and through me - it's not a question of that. My war is more one of having faith in the promises of God vs. trying to do things myself all.the.time. That moving-mountains-kinda-faith thing. Ah, I want that. But every few days I find myself once again humbled before the Lord in tears asking forgiveness for my doubt and worry and fear - as if I trembling over bank account numbers and logistics is the end of the world. Seriously, I'm annoyed with myself. Then on a spiritual note - I just ache over feeling like "why can't I get this together?!"... mope, mope, mope. Pray more. Mope. Lord, WHY can't I trust?!  So, what a timely and encouraging reminder to come across this paragraph this weekend in my reading.

"Feeling futile over our inability to trust God when we're anxious should not be a source of despair. This is an occasion to worship! How great is God, who is so desirable and worthy of our worship that our hearts must feel empty when we know we're not full of his Joy! How merciful is Jesus, who gave us His righteousness and bears away our sin! If you have any sorrow, if you experience any reluctance over your hardness of heart, do not be discouraged. You would not feel that way if the Spirit of God were not at work in your life. If you were left to your own devices, then there would be no need to feel like kicking yourself because you know you're missing out on seeing 

and savoring God."

He knows me. He knows ME. My heart and it's wanderings don't surprise Him or annoy Him. He prompts me to worship Him because of my failures, give thanks for His mercy, and savor Him.
And I'll tell ya - that paragraph brought liberty to my very soul at the exact moment it was needed. I won't despair when my anxiety seems to rise and I'm done being disappointed with myself... because that's exactly the whole issue - eyes on self, rather then eyes on Christ. Must look up. :)

I'm a work in progress and I just shout out THANK YOU LORD for working on me. So, that's where I am today. It's a good place - not easy, but good. And you know - I think this whole day was just a gift to me anyway. The blue in the sky and an amazing sun was like a big ol' hug from my God. I see Him in those things. Beauty. A morning outside with my girls was just the ticket!

And...He knew I needed these two goobers, too. :)

Two things are for sure...

First thing. The Lord directs us.Following in Faith, with expectation is so important. As a friend text me this morning, 

"Praying for you that the Lord will help you keep your thoughts captive." 
Oh, how she knows me. 

"Trust the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not rely on your own understanding.

6 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make your paths smooth."

Proverbs 3:5-6

And second, Worry only chips away at our souls. Angst is the enemy.

 “So I tell you to stop worrying about what you will eat, drink, or wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothes?

“Look at the birds. They don’t plant, harvest, or gather the harvest into barns. Yet, your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they?

 “Can any of you add a single hour to your life by worrying?

 “And why worry about clothes? Notice how the flowers grow in the field. They never work or spin yarn for clothes.  But I say that not even Solomon in all his majesty was dressed like one of these flowers.  That’s the way God clothes the grass in the field. Today it’s alive, and tomorrow it’s thrown into an incinerator. So how much more will he clothe you people who have so little faith?

 “Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Everyone is concerned about these things, and your heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them.  But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you.

 “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:25-34

I'm so thankful for these truths and I'm asking the Lord to sustain me with them on this day full of unknowns. 

Serving my family...with joy.

 

I needed the reminder this morning from the book of Philipians. Chapter 2 tells us-

" Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (vs 3-4)

Is it just me or are young children SUPER needy, SUPER urgent in all things, and SUPER selfish? By the end of some days I am one fried momma. My husband can attest to this! And while I don't have it all figured out {not even close...} I am learning that humility and selfLESSness on my end go a long way. I'm learning this after failing at it - time and again. 

My children like to drag out the bedtime routine. I'm sure we are not unique in this. But I will admit that it absolutely drives me crazy! I can have a great and victorious day of being patient and tender all day long...but when bed time comes, it's time. I can feel the cord on the dynamite burning down if things take too long. Relate? Bedtimes in the last month have been difficult and after the doors close there is usually crying and grumpiness from kiddos and mom and dad. It's not a fun time. I guess I always dreamed that bed times would be those magical connector times at the end of a fun day where I whisper sweet lullabies in my babies ears, and tuck them in as they doze off. My reality is an opinionated 4 year old who flips on a dime to full tantrum mode if every single thing isn't just exactly her way, a 2 year old who wants extra rocking chair and cuddle time accompanied by endless singing of "Jesus Loves me" and "Twinkle Twinkle" and a momma who just wants to throw herself on the couch and sleep. I'm tired! My patience runs dangerously thin at these moments. And while my husband is a great help - my girls just really, REALLY, prefer momma to do the majority of the rocking, singing, and kissing goodnight right now. I'm happy to do it... just, some days are harder then others. 

This week I have started praying with them before I say goodnight. We get our rocking and talking out of the way - and then we talk to God. I'm amazed at how it calms them, especially my testing 4 year old. They listen and I know the Lord hears. I've been praying for their salvation and obedience in all things. They hear me ask that. I'm exhausted, like I said, but it has been so worth it to serve them this way - in giving the last part of their day to the Lord, just as we start the first of it at breakfast in prayer. And oh the lessons momma learns when she is on her knees before the Lord praying over her babies.

The Lord brings joy. As I grow in this thing called motherhood I'm learning and understanding the value in serving with humility. I still blow it all the time - and God is good and gracious to me. I'm so thankful this morning for the reminder and command to serve and look for the interests in my family first. We can do this! Praise the Lord for his example and ruling in our lives.

Are you in IT?! Because you should be.

Oh, sometimes I am so stubborn and prideful. Or perhaps just ignorant and lazy. Either case is dangerous and sinful. {sigh}

The Lord has been chipping away at my heart for the last few months {years...?}and it seems the more frazzled and out of whack I get, the more He draws me in. This weekend many things in my personal life and heart as well as things in the world all just seemed to come to a head for me - and there was a moment of genuine "BING" where the light bulb just went off. My heart was broken and tender as I evaluated my life and saw a huge, gaping, hole. And just like that I realized why so many other things in life have seemed off kilter. Because you see, even when knee deep in ministry and life and raising children and loving Jesus... you HAVE to be in His word consistently. You have to be digging in and digesting - and for far too long now I just haven't known HOW. Oh I can read through a bible study book and I can tackle a proverb a day like a champ - but my soul has felt starved! I always want more and I just never knew the "perfect" way to get it. Spoiler: there is NO perfect way, so...just do it! 

I attended a 4 year Bible college and have been a believer since I was 13 years old. I grew up in the church since I was 5 and have attended every VBS, youth group, club, etc. known to kid-kind. I had AMAZING youth leaders and a fantastic youth pastor {and wife!} in middle school that have left deep impact on my life. :) The Lord has showered me with amazing relationships that have helped me grow and develop into a woman of God. I married a godly and Christ-seeking man. Thank.You.Jesus! But even through all of that - I've never heard such a clear and impactful way of bible study as I did this weekend at our ladies conference. I was signed up to be in another breakout session, but I felt the Lord impress on my heart to attend the "Choosing Joy Daily in God's Word" session. Because truth is - I don't always have joy in God's word and often times my day feels like a big chaotic WHAT AM I DOING!? kind of thing. So, I went and I sat in the very front row. :)  It was like a banquet table to this hungry heart! 

"Maintaining the Christian life apart from a steady diet of His word is impossible."

"There isn't anything on your schedule that could possibly be more valuable than time 

spent with your Father."

-Charles Stanley, In-touch magazine

For those of us who feel like we are floundering or lost or just not sure of where to start and HOW to study God's word - let me share what I've learned and fan the flame for you. Because we MUST be in God's word! Choose your passage or book of the bible or wherever you are reading, grab a notebook and pen,  and then... 

SPECS. Not a real word, but, in acronym form we get this:

S- Sins. What sins are in the passage read? Do I have something I need to repent of and change?

P- Promises. What promises are their to claim? Write them down.

E- Examples to follow. What are they? Good or bad.

C- Commands to obey. List them. Know them. Take them seriously.

S- Scripture to memorize. Tuck it into your brain and KNOW it. 

This method blew me away. I actually teared up and cried right there in the workshop in the front row. It resonated with me and the Lord just gently pushed on my heart and convicted me that I NEED to be in His word and THIS is a good and helpful way! It had never been presented so clearly and passionately. I was SO thankful to have been in that workshop. 

And a few starting point ideas for those of us who never know where to open up to:

1. Psalm 119 study. Read 8 verses a day and then ask yourself these questions:

• What does the word DO?
• What is it?
• What is my responsibility? 

2. Life of Christ/ Gospels study

• Read through the Gospels {Matt, Mark, Luke, John}
• What did Christ do? List every action. Know Jesus and how He lived. {WOW!}

3. Epistles Study

• How did believers grow and change?
• How seriously FAITH matters

4. Chronological reading of the bible from start to finish. Get the full picture! 

Wow, I am so so thankful for the ladies {Julie & Danielle} who shared such great wisdom and leadership. My heart is brimming to full and I'm eager and excited to jump in on these things! In my quiet time today I was reminded again of just how important it is to keep growing and being in God's word. 

"⁹ For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; ¹⁰ that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;" Col. 1:9-10

This is commandment, friends... GROW! 

John MacArthur comments on the knowledge of God like this:

"Spiritual growth cannot occur apart from this knowledge. The evidences of spiritual growth include a deeper love for God's word, a more perfect obedience, a strong doctrinal foundation, an expanding faith, and a greater love for others." 

-MacArthur study bible, Colossians 1:10 

Are you in IT? Because... You should be. 

Easter Candy loses.

It just sits there...and sometimes I think I hear it calling me.
Delicious peanut-buttery, chocolate coated, gummy, fruity, goodness. It's real name is Easter Candy.

That's why I am so thankful for my Tuesday morning study/accountablity gals :) Because it's Tuesday and the candy starting yelling at me the moment my feet hit the kitchen floor! But I resisted! There is something in knowing you will give an account - as if I didn't already before my Father God. {sigh} Oh flesh, you wicked.
Instead I settled for a hard boiled egg, in a nice shade of red, courtesy of my children. Protein! And, I didn't feel like sleeping my life away come 10am.

Our chapter studies today were focused on using accountablity to help you stay focused, and, remembering the promises of God in moments of weakness. Something that is so important - remembering these bodies are not our own - we belong to God. This theme keeps coming back to me in multiple areas of life, I'm happy to see it in the dieting realm, as well. TRUTH!

The story of Esau and his crazy heat-of-the-moment decision to give up his birthright was a topic of conversation today. How insane for us today to think about this. This man was so hungry and focused on stew that he gave up his birthright!?

^{29 "}Once, Jacob was preparing a meal when Esau, exhausted, came in from outdoors. ³⁰ So Esau said to Jacob, “Let me have the whole pot of red stuff to eat—that red stuff—I’m exhausted.” This is why he was called Edom.

³¹ Jacob responded, “First, sell me your rights as firstborn.”

³² “I’m about to die.” Esau said. “What good is my inheritance to me?”

³³ “First, swear an oath,” Jacob said. So Esau swore an oath to him and sold him his rights as firstborn. ³⁴ Then Jacob gave Esau a meal of bread and lentils. He ate and drank, and then he got up and left." Genesis ch. 25

Oh how we {I} judge Esau on his decision. What a dummy! Give up your inheritance for a lentil stew? No way! But upon deeper reflection - I'm just as guilty, it just looks a little different. Give up a good run of self discipline in eating for... 3 bite size snickers. Forget my committments to eat healthier for... a full fat mocha. Sure, I'm not losing any inheritance or standing in my family, but, I'm not being true to my word and I'm definitely not practicing self control - the fruit I was given at salvation. The object becomes the master and all else flies out the window. Yikes. So maybe I'm more like Esau then I like to believe. Desperation breeds degradation - this was our conversation. 

That candy is still sitting down there. But, it has lost all day. The voices are hushed and I'm remembering the Holy Spirit power that gives me VICTORY! Onward we march! 

*our study book is "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkuerst, fyi. 

Distractions.

Something is bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on just what it was... until about 2 seconds ago.

DISTRACTIONS.

We will celebrate this weekend, the low of Good Friday and remembering our Lord crucified in obedience to Father God for our good, and the High of resurrection Sunday - up from the grave he arose and still reigns!

But it seems many believers {self included} are caught up in distractions:

That red equal sign.
Abortion in our world.
Guns.
Actions of our president...and his wife.
What church is doing what and when and how.
Legalism.
Rob Bell's new stance on whatever.
Basketball.
Paleo vs. McDonalds...geesh.

So now, at least in my mind... I'm distracted. Daily. Instead of taking time to really ponder this holy week... I'm frustrated, irritated, and worrisome over things that really - I have zero control over. (ok, minus McDonalds!)

Satan never backs down. He would LOVE to distract us from the purpose of our weekend. He would love to see a bunch of believers fussing at each other over this-that-and-the-other-thing.

Let's work together and hold tight to our faith. Love people like Jesus did... and ignore the distractions to focus on Christ, RISEN, and reigning... and, by the way, totally in control.

Heavy Days & the Silver linings

My mom continues on with her time in the hospital. Her surgery on Tuesday has come and gone but small complications still remain. Even though I'm not there I know she is weary. So my heart is heavy for her and we continue to pray the Lords healing...

In the mean time - more heaviness. One of our pastors has had a heart attack and is in the hospital. So we wait and we pray and we hope and whisper pleas to our God.

Throw in other sad news from all over the place... so many heavy days.

And yet, the silver linings and the golden moments are all around me:
-toddler playing dress up looking a hot mess and simply adorable
-hugs from a very grumpy 4 year old after several days of nonstop grumps and disobedience
-cell phones to reach family far away
-husband sleeping in after a busy ministry night
-attempting spring cleaning and realizing your own bounty {aka: excess...we'll deal with that one later}
-friends having babies left and right! Ahhhhh newborns!
-making meals for said friends and finding so much joy in serving
-secret new pregnancies and hope for the future :) -not me...yet!
-birds doing all kinds of chirping and reminding me SPRING is coming
-EASTER this month!
-new creamer for the ol' cuppa joe first thing
-success in the diet for at least a whole day
-smoothies, with avocado. Haven't tried it? You must!
-blog reads about silly things like deals and books and etc. Lightness.
-freedom to pray, turn off the news and think TRUTH.

What are your silver linings today?

February 8 - a note to the aching

Dear friend who is battling today,
I understand. 
And while I don't know the specifics of your war - I know my own, and how my heart and flesh seem to want to take over. Worry. Angst. Fear. We want to cling to those things as if they were the salvation in the situation. But they aren't. We MUST cling to our Hope in God. We must trust and believe He is good and all things work for good - according to His will.

"Whatever our faith says God is, He will be."

Think about that.

As I tossed and turned last night, then dozed only to wake up from nightmare's... the still, small, voice was my comfort. The reminder of His goodness. Unquestionable. And then today in the middle of scary unknowns and out of control waiting...this thought...

"Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear. Rather look at them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He has kept you hitherto; do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and when  you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms. 

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-Frances de Sales

Sit Still

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!

Nor deem these days - these waiting days - as ill!

The one who loves thee best, who plans thy way,

Hath not forgotten, they great need today!

And, if He waits 'tis sure He waits to prove

To thee, His tender child, His heart's deep love.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!

Thou longest much to know thy dear Lord's will!

While anxious thoughts would almost steal their way

Corrodingly within, because of His delay - 

Persuade thyself in simple faith to rest

That He, who knows and loves, will do the best.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!

Nor move one step, not even one, until

His way hath opened. Then, ah then, how sweet!

How glad thy heart, and then how swift thy feet

Thy inner being then, ah then, how strong!

And waiting days not counted then too long.

Sit still, my daughter! Just sit calmly still!

What higher service could'st thou for Him fill?

'Tis hard! ah yes! But choicest things must cost!

For lack of losing all how much is lost!

'Tis hard, 'tis true! But then - He giveth grace

To count the hardest spot the sweetest place.

- J. Danson Smith, Streams in the Desert

What a powerful reminder to me today that the God who loves me, chose me, knows me...

Knows best. And His way is perfect. 

And I can sit still in that, and rest. 

Jan 2nd, and I'm already tired.

At 11pm last night I tip-toed into the baby's room, turned her space heater from the "low heat" option to the fan option, tip toed back out and went to bed. I was tired. Always seem to be tired. But especially drained after a late night on NYE and girls waking up per their normal time the following day. Ah, but that's life. At 3:23am I hear a little voice crying for her momma and to "eeeat". Our toddler hasn't been eating much through the day - just picks and nibbles like a bird - so, she's especially hungry first thing in the morning. Normally morning is around 6:45/7... and not 3:30am. So, I stood by her door to listen and sure enough after a few more fusses she was back to sleep. And so was I soon after. Then again at 5am I hear more crying and fussing. And I'm frustrated with myself because my first inclination is not to be concerned and caring towards my child... my first reaction {and verbal response} is "You have GOT to be kidding me!? I am so tired." My husband has heard this a million times since we began having children 4 years ago. Though, I admit, I'm much more whiny about it now. 

So, I stand by her door again and wait - only this time the crying won't stop and so I open her door to "rescue" her. When the door cracked a wave a heat hit my face and then I realized the bigger problem. Instead of turning the space heater down to "Fan" - I had turned it up to "high heat". So for "X" amount of hours our poor babe was attempting to sleep in a boiling hot room. :( Fail. Big. Mom. FAIL. Her skin was hot and she was understandable cranky. Think back to summer camp days - attempting to fall asleep in your cabin when it was 100 degrees on a summer night. Then, add warm baby pajamas and several crocheted blankets. Yeouch! I felt just awful. So, I grabbed her up and we headed back to my bed. Usually she'll curl right back up and sleep with us until a more reasonable hour. This was not to be today, however. She was mad and hot and wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sleeping. So, we started our morning very early and the little one continues to let me know how displeased she was and still is. Lots of whining, crying, and general grumps are going on. It's January 2nd, and I'm exhausted. This was NOT the plan I had in mind for starting out our new year. 

I had every intention of using this year to really dig in and GROW in the Lord, have time in the Word, bible study and prayer. I wanted to be intentional in the teaching of my children, fun with arts and crafts, creative in my home... but, all I FEEL like doing is laying across the couch with my favorite blanket and sleeping. And maybe crying. They seem to go hand in hand some days. And, I know it's only the second day and that I really don't even need to measure based on days... but, that general feeling of failing is so present today. It's hovering. It's exhausting. How can I do this? How can I be effective when I can't keep my eyes open?! 

Mrs. Charles Cowman, in her book, "Streams in the desert" had something to say this morning that I felt was written personally just for me, only... way back in 1925.

"Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, they coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all they soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with they dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. "Upward to Heaven! Nearer to God! -Spurgeon"

Ah, life water to a thirsty mom this morning. A reminder that my JOY, my PURPOSE, my STRENGTH, doesn't lie in my cup of coffee or even getting 10 minutes alone in the word - {tho I enjoy both!}. These things come from making Christ central in my life, in all I do. And with that motivation... I will press on.