Friday, April 25, 2008


Time, it`s changing me
It`s hard to see who I am
Touched, I`m touched by many things
So many things I don`t understand
But seasons pass and I discover
Above all this there`s another Helping me to hold on to what is timeless
So the autumn can color me gold
And the winter can dress me in snow
But it`s You I see The timeless part of me
In the springtime I`m young once again
In the summer I dance on the wind
But it`s You I see The timeless part of me
Change, whether it`s good or bad You know I`m glad You`re in control
Oh, Lord, if I don`t understand I know Your hand will shield my soul
Seasons pass and I discover Above all this there`s another Helping me to hold on to what is timeless
This morning at work I was listening to my random music mix...and this song came on. The words just seemed to encourage and remind me to relax, enjoy this gift of life and thank God for it. Thank you Lord for using things like music at work to exhort your children...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


As we drove onto the island I had an eager anticipation of what would lie ahead. My heart gave a soft sigh as I saw birds, trees and grass... I smiled... I could do this - there is life here. But as we rounded the bridge and continued on through the busy traffic ridden streets I started going into a coma of disbelief. While there aren't skyscrapers or cops rushing by in the middle of street chases...there was something tugging at my heart and making me feel all emotional. This place, Lord? This place? Are you sure? We passed block after block of the same four kinds of shops: dry cleaner, nail place, asian buffet and pawn shop. Everything had the feeling of being very old, very dirty and a little scary. There were no families at the parks. There were no lemonade stands on corners set up by aspiring 9 year olds... only traffic, high costs and dirty buildings.

I tried to breath and not be dramatic. This is just a test, a trial to see if we like it. I could keep an open eye and just observe and take notes... but i couldn't stop that aching feeling in my throat like I was going to just burst into tears at any moment. I felt as if I was watching all of my dreams flush down a big dirty toilet. I felt like a bad wife because I couldn't envision myself there. I couldn't picture myself pushing a stroller down a traffic filled highway. I couldn't imagine setting up life in this place. God please! Wisdom!

The irony of marriage is in the wording... we are one. But, we have two minds. The irony is that while I feel this is not at all where we belong... my other half considers it a good option. So now I wait... with that heavy chested feeling again. Waiting to be directed, no...told, where I need to go and what i need to do. Will it really end up being me just caving in and doing something that i hate? I never pictured my life like this.

I know the Lord grants wisdom LIBERALLY.... Lord, please... show us clearly. Make it so evident to me if this is what you want. And, if it's not... please let him know clearly.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I am so ready for Spring

I've got all my spring/summer shoes out...
seasonal clothes are now hung in the closet...
windows have been left open twice...
now all we need is consistent warmth. I had a weird flu-like thing for 24 hours yesterday and it was horrible. It was the kind of sick where you wonder if you will recover. I rarely get sick, but when I do it feels like armeggedon is happening inside of me. To top off that sad news - it was 68 degrees yesterday - whilst I wilted away on the couch, inside!!! 68!!!

This morning I got an email from a gal my age who lives in Florida. She has recently gone through a miscarriage in her 12th week of pregnancy and wanted some answers. My mother in law connected us - and it's just these kinds of opportunities that help me to see why and how the Lord uses the worst situations for his glory. It was oddly comforting to me to walk through this pain with her - relive my experience and give advice on how to "survive" really. She has had a horrible experience with Dr's in Florida - they have been unkind, humilated her and even made her feel bad about this loss. It made me feel enraged!!! This poor girl has gone through this alone -her husband was away for military reasoning, she doesn't live by family and doesn't seem to have close friends. I cannot imagine. Yet, through all of that - she seems so positive and so strong. While she's struggling, she's been an encouragement to me. God, please heal Maria.

Obviously, I'm random today.

My dear friend Janice came up last weekend. It was such a comfort and joy to see her! She was always my very strong friend in College. She is one of those women who remind me of an "empowering women" poster or something. She was a counseling major and always knew what I was thinking before I could say it. Jan is precious to me. She and her husband are leaving for the west coast here before too long, and while we haven't seen each other TONS I'm fearful that we might never cross paths again. (especially if American Airlines keeps up....) She took this pic of Brad and I, and I just love it...

Friday, April 4, 2008

Waiting on the Lord

So, if you are a man... maybe, don't read this blog entry. If you are a woman, a sympathetic woman - read on.

I'm 4 days late. I'm two negative pregnancy tests late. Obviously, after being one day late I was elated thinking that the Lord had blessed us with another child... just as I had been praying. So I suited up and headed to my local Rite Aid and purchased the infamous pink box... let the testing begin. Now, four days later...and two "no go" tests, I'm confused and wondering what's going on. I called my OB nurse who helped me through my miscarriage in November and she was not that helpful. Told me not to be worried until you have three consecutive months of missed cycles. THREE MONTHS!!! I've never been a day past normal in my life...

Is there such a thing as delayed ovulation? Because, I'm pretty sure that happend to me this month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated like 4 days before I was supposed to start my period. Which, again, not normal for me - and has never happened before. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??! If I had delayed could take another 2 weeks before either a period or positive test could turn out. TWO WEEKS!!!! That would put me in the day 45ish zone.... I've never been like that. Hmmm... this truly is the curse at its finest.

I'm working on memorizing Matthew 7. The chapter that discussed our needs... and how God will meet them.... our NEEDS. Is being pregnant and having a family a need? Because for my entire life I have been convinced that it is... I need to serve the Lord with a family. I need to give my husband children and carry on his name... I need to fulfill the role that women were intended for. Maybe someday I'll look back at all of this and get a good laugh at myself. But for now... I'm just waiting on the Lord and his timing - because it is perfect, and he IS GOOD.

And this.... is a dream.... a dream that I just can't shake. Something I desire so much that sometimes I can almost feel it.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

My most precious gift

August 13th, 2005 was a special day in my life. It's the day I became Mrs. Brad Pausley. I'll never forget the days events... putting on my dress, praying with my dad, walking down the aisle and seeing my handsome husband to be. I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he said his vows to me or how he held my hand so tightly while he sang.
Now it's April 2, 2008. Almost three years since the Lord gave this precious man to me temporarily. We've gotten beyond the mushy first few months/years, while still wildly in love. And, just the other day I noticed how our love has molded into a new creation. We are no longer falling all over ourselves each time we touch or make eye contact... but instead, it's a deeper connection. This is my husband, my partner, my very best and real friend. We talk about life, we live together. We've gone through 3 moves and preparing for a 4th. We've finished school together, bought cars together, paid bills, watched younger siblings get married. But we've also weathered some hard times... we lost our first child...together. We've experienced the deep hurt of man's sinful rejection...together.

I watch him preach, I watch him work, I watch him live. He's the man of my dreams day after day. And while neither of us are perfect... we have a comfortable romance. I yearn for our future together... where will we go, together? What will we do, together? Who will be meet and minister to, together? Bradley truly is my most precious gift!