Call me Flip Flop

Oh, it has been awhile on here, eh?
I'm working through some heavy thoughts lately and 50% of the time I feel like my head is on straight, I'm thinking biblically, trusting the Lord, etc. but then the other 50% of the time I'm like an indecisive, mopey monster. That's where I am right now. To be honest, I feel that I've been here for a year now. It comes and goes... my heart and mind arguing and feeling all flip flop. Because I'm a woman and most of my readers are too, I assume I'm not alone in this. We aren't alone. So I'll share today some of my common struggle and we can encourage one another.

Since becoming a wife and mother I seriously DO dream of a simple, satisfying, uncomplicated life. Ha! Writing that out sounds absurd so let me explain.
I, want to honor my husband.
I, want to do special things here and there to show love to him.
I, want to raise my children to respect and love.
I, want to be a fun mom.
I, want to bless my family with all the homemade memories. 
I, want to have a beautiful and comfortable home.
I, don't want to hassle with chore charts and arguments.
I, DESIRE comfort and beauty.

But, sin. It's everywhere. It's my marriage and rears its ugly head through selfishness and pride and anger. It's in my parenting as I seek my own way, answer harshly, or give in too easily. It's in my home as I often find myself lacking contentment for what we have (so much, too!) and pining for the newest, prettiest, whatever. (or in my case, the chippiest, shabbiest, antique) Sin, it's in our world and it affects everything. My family is not excluded. So I have all these desires and ambitions to be a blessing, to seek the Lord and just ooze Jesus in my home - but I get in my own way, quenching the spirit, letting pride ruin things and discontent sour my joy.

Some days I wake up and think - "this is it!". We are going to be grateful, eat what we have in the house, create beauty in our spaces with things we own, etc. But then 11:30 rolls around and in lieu of homemade soup I just want Chick-fil-a, a starbucks and that new bookshelf from Pottery Barn. I loose steam. I forget that God is good, all in a few hours. Because being frugal and wise with money is HARD and shall I even admit that sometimes I get WEARY of it. As if having more would make life easier. Newsflash: it doesn't.

So, I went to bed last night and as I lay there waiting for sleep to come I was literally flip flopping between two schools of thought:

1- I look forward to opportunities to be frugal. Grocery shopping, looking for deals and ways to stretch a buck intrigues me and challenges me. It's good! I've gotten really good at patching holes in kids clothes and watching the Lord blow us out of the water with his provisions in all things. I love this school of thought and I love being in it. I thought through budget meals and how we could cut out this and that to free up more money, reviewed in my mind the trip earlier that day to Goodwill where I found a beautiful Banana Republic sweater for $1.49! Yea baby! Frugal living, I love it! Bring on the challenge! Let's rock this budget.

But then. Almost simultaneously.

2 - I am SO tired of driving ALLLL that way to Aldi. I'm weary of pasta meals and generic diapers. Would it be SO bad to just have a descent new car? Will we ever be out from under these student loans? How long is seminary again? I hate the challenges of budget living, I want freedom, I want more. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Seems like all we do is pay bills. No vacations. No date nights. Blah.

I'm thankful that Lord is quick to draw to my attention His faithfulness in our lives. How he cares and loves and provides. He gives us work! He shelters us with a roof. We aren't promised and don't deserve more. And really it's not even just money that gets me all flip-floppity. It's most things: raising kids, keeping a home, who I am three kids later, what I like, etc.
The Lord is doing a work in my life and I have much to learn. For now, I give thanks! In all things give thanks, my friends. Fellow budget masters: You are loved! Moms feeling like failures, you are loved! Indecisive homemakers, you are loved.