Wednesday, March 4, 2009

O Be careful little eyes...

This is my miracle...the answer to my prayers. Her name is Ava Edyn Pausley and as of yesterday she is 11 weeks old. This is the child I begged the Lord for, the baby that I cried over during the early weeks of pregnancy as I feared losing her as I did the one before...
She is amazing. In every way amazing.
Every morning I can't wait to rush into her room and scoop her up to start our day together. She greets me with the worlds biggest smile accompanied with her new favorite sound, a grunt. :) Her eyes are stunning. While their color is undecided...its something else that catches my attention. She's alert, constantly, even moments after birth. Her eyes search and discover every thing. She smiles at curtains, the fridge, anything with the color black on it....and me. She watches me. This morning this thought captivated me - and to be honest - scared me. She is watching me all the time. I know that now while she's so little there aren't too many thoughts going on in her head - but, she's learning from me. She's learning that when a funny face is made to laugh, to open her mouth to eat, and when she cries to look for me and I'll generally come running. :) She is my mission field. She is my ministry. She is my daughter. It's a paralizing fear to not be "good enough" and to wonder if my mothering skills are what she needs. Its easy to let thoughts in that I'm failing or doing it all wrong.... but then I look at her tiny smiling face that seems to say, "I love you mommy. You are all I need." She motivates me.
I still feel so new to all of this. I'm still exhausted as we wake up twice a night for is it that she can fall right back to sleep while I lie awake starring at the clock...?
Her little eyes remind me to live like Christ. To strive for excellence, even when that only means giving her the undivided attention that I can give rather then zoning out to the TV after another sleepless night. Those little eyes are my responsibility. Wow.

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