Friday, March 6, 2009

Resisting and Resenting

A few weeks ago I decided to read the book "Creative Counterpart" by Linda Dillow. It's several years old and to be honest a majority of it screams 70's and its hard for me to relate with...but, a good part of it has been great and challenging. It's a look at Proverbs 31 and some of the characteristics of what that woman looked like. I think I've done a zillion bible studies on the "Proverbs 31 woman" and every time its great for the moment and I take a few key principles away...then life happens and I blow everything I've learned in a wave of a bad mood. I'm so typical that way. Why is this woman so mystifying to us? Is it possible to do everything she did or is it more of a goal to set and try to attain in pieces? Who knows... but all the same, I do enjoy the study, and this book is again looking at this lady. I decided to read through "Creative Counterpart" because I'm struggling to find that 100/100 co-existence of wife and mother. How on earth do I effectively love, cherish and physically live as a wife and effectively love, cherish and raise this new baby?! I feel like my time is absolutely divided. Mrs. Dillow seems to have a lot to say on the topic so I'm giving it a go. :)

On top of learning to how to wife and mother... I am still waiting on the Lord for direction for our lives. We are still in PA, no ministry, low paying one income... and some days its just all we can do to not pity ourselves. Sounds silly I'm sure, but its true. We feel as if we are taking 3 steps back! While we see blessings all around us, our hearts are just yearning and yearing to move on. So, yea...there's a lot going on and I admit that many many days lately I've found myself resisting and resenting a lot of things. Resisting areas of growth that I feel the Lord laying on my heart to change... resenting STILL being here... resenting the fact that no matter how hard we feel like we are praying and how earnest our desires are we are STILL not in a ministry. There's a fine line I'm walking. Anyway, last week while reading I came across one of Mrs. Dillows deeply profound thoughts in the chapter called, "God's game plan", and it was so deeply convicting...and its helped me daily to stop and actively choose to not resist or resent this life we have now. Let me share her words...

"Have you considered your present situation in the light of God's eternal purpose? Often the very things a woman resists and resents are God's special tools to fashion her into the image of His son." L. Dillow "Creative Counterpart"

WOW.

While I've known all this, and in the past practiced this...somehow in the flurry of new motherhood I've forgotten and managed to work myself into a tizzy again. I thank the Lord for allowing me to read this and be reminded again of the fact that He IS working in my life and there is an ultimate purpose for all things, even the mundane.

I have this picture of Ava and I. We were attempting to get some nice mom and baby pics and wouldn't you know something wasn't going her way so she began to fuss...and fuss...and fuss until the camera got put away and we gave up. But not before we got this shot of me smiling and her starting to cry. Sounds mean, but, I kept it because it reminded me of my relationship with Christ. I fuss and fuss because I feel like things aren't going my way, or I'm confused or uncomfortable where I am in life...and all the while my loving father smiles, loves me and His outstanding patience for His child just continues. While getting that picture taken I knew Ava would get to eat in a few minutes, and I knew nap time was coming up. She would be full and swaddled and sleep well. But Ava didn't know that... so she fussed. How baby-like I am. I don't know what's coming so rather then stay content and thankful, I complain or worry or even doubt (gasp!). And all the while God knows just whats coming up next... I'm so thankful for my salvation and Christ's forgiveness.

1 comment:

Kristi said...

Thanks for the wise reflections, Mandi!

One thought on Prov. 31 - I had always done studies on Proverbs 31 that turned the chapter into somewhat of a "to-do" list, and like you, I felt totally inadequate and overwhelmed! It really helped when I learned that the chapter is an acrostic (each verse starting with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet), which in Hebrew poetry symbolized completion, or the ultimate realization of something. She is the comlete picture of wisdom! If you take the entire book of Proverbs and truly live out Biblical wisdom in a life, that's what you get!

Understanding that really helped shift my focus from trying to attain this woman's daily schedule to running hard after God; if fearing Him is the beginning of wisdom, I want to know Him so well that true wisdom is developed in my life! I'll never be spinning wool and flax or making sashes, but as I know God more He will develop true wisdom in my life and change me into a "modern version" of this woman. One teeny, tiny baby step at a time! ;)