Thinking about Mom

I downloaded my pictures from this past Thanksgiving today. It was good/weird to look through pictures of smiling faces that i loved so much - part of the weirdness for me comes from the fact that some of those extra smiles were for the grandchild, great-grandchild, cousin, etc. they hadn't lost yet. But, I try not play those mind games with myself. What's done is done and the Lord still sits on the throne.

During Thanksgiving I was able to spend the day with my Aunt Kim and cousin Bailie - two people that I love very much. Bailie, since she was born has been more like a little sister then a cousin, my mom baby sat her in our house from age 2 till basically now. They lived right next door all through my highschool years, and we always did everything together - sometimes it annoyed me, just like sisters would feel, but now I look back and what precious memories we have. Time has pressed on and now it's 2007 - Bailie is obviously no longer 2, but a stunning 13 year old right on the verge of exploding into a beautiful, intelligent, lovely young woman. Kim has moved on from her divorce years ago and is now engaged again - life changes, and it has for these two women. Anyway, Thanksgiving day while everyone was bustling around and busy with this and that- I just sat back and watched Kim and Bailie in their mother/daughter roles... and soaked it in. Was I really 13 once? Did my mom and I have that mysterious relationship like I see them having now? I loved watching them pal around. Kim would tickle her, Bailie would sass something smart, Kim would give the "watch it" look, then back to tickling and hugging and loving, only such as mothers and daughters can do. I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

After our large meal, sure enough - they gravitate towards each other and end up goofing off on the couch. Although she won't admit it now - Bailie needs these times with her mom. She needs the joking, laughing, hugging - this is what will mold her into what she is to become. These are the moments that will ground her for life.

Even when I was taking these pictures I could hear her saying "ew, don't take this picture" and so on - but I know that someday she'll see it and it will feel good to see it.

Watching them makes me love my mom more. My mom is amazing. She's intelligent - graduated from college and now working in her chosen medical field. She's wise, patient, understanding, compassionate to people and animals, diligent (honors student), creative - making everything from blankets to clothes to greeting cards. My mom is amazing. When I watch Bailie and Kim it takes me back to being that age, having the on again off again fights about nothing but teenage hormone inspired things, then crying together or going shopping to get away from the boys.

On Nov. 26th when I lost my baby - the first person I called was mom. She cried with me out loud right at her work - she didn't care who was watching or what looks she might get. She hurt with me and for me, and because of that I am healing. It's because of WHO she is that I have become who I am. She has taught me to love, to be patient, to succeed, to be creative, to laugh in the difficult times - and to take everything with the proverbial "grain of salt". Mom and Kim are sisters - Bailie and I are cousins - but it's amazing how close and the same we are. We all have dark brown eyes, brown hair, similar body shapes, identical food tastes, we enjoy the sames jokes and types of entertainment. We are family. When Bailie was a baby I used to pretend she was mine - when she was toddler and we would go somewhere we would pretend she was my baby sister and she loved that game - and I loved it, even if I didn't admit it then.

I'm kind of babbling today - I guess the whole point is, now that I'm 25 it's like the Lord has dumped 100 more reasons to be thankful for my mom - the women who brought me into this world and loves me unconditionally everyday. I love you Marmie - I always will.

And now the precious days

The waiting. Sometimes lately I've felt like I was a character in a movie, that this isn't my reality. I'm simply portraying what could happen to those who love the Lord. My books on grieving say that I would come to this point - and that its healthy. The truth is, I feel wonderful. My body is healing and as far as I know almost back to "normal". Mentally, I feel strong and level headed. I'm thinking clearly and realistically (besides my moments of thinking its all still a nightmere).

I'm calling these weeks my "precious days" because there has been such an intimacy in my life that I've never felt before. I feel so close to my husband. Sometimes we'll have the same thought at the same time and that feels fantastic. I feel so aware of my humanity and as a result feel my need for a savior so strongly. I wake up in the morning aware of my humanity, each time I touch my stomach and remember what is no longer there - in the afternoons when I start to feel down, in the evenings when I forget to cry and its only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my baby. I'm human, I hurt...but I also heal. What a sweet release to lay it all at my God's feet - that I don't have to bear this alone. What a precious time to be vulnerable, to feel, to ache, to inch that much closer to an understanding - and yet remain far enough away that I still have that hope and expectation.

Each night I lay awake in silence - each night I ask the same questions - I think the same thoughts -I toss and turn until finally I recite some scripture about trust then drift off. The bad dreams are gone, the soaked pillow is no more, the holding onto Brad until I cried myself asleep is over. And I think to myself "how is this possible"? How has my mourning changed to Joy already - part of me wants the tears back, it felt so good to mourn because it made it real. Why do I feel so strong already? Why do I feel like I'm getting "over" this?

Yesterday in Sunday school we did a word study on the word "trust". I wasn't anxious to look it up because that means I would have to hear it again... trust. Trust - "to enjoy confidence", "faith", "assurance in....". Do you understand that the Lord IS hearing my prayers. Do you understand, could you relate to knowing what the "peace that passes all understanding" feels like?

I was convicted the other day, my first conviction post-miscarriage. It hit me hard, and I wasn't ready for it, but that never matters no matter how you feel. Paul challenged people in 1 Cor to not grieve as those who have no hope. WOW. I...Have...Hope. It may not be the hope that I'll have children and it may not be the hope that my every want and desire will be met - but I have Hope in eternity. I haven't swallowed it quite yet - but I'm still chewing.

Last night before Brad dozed off we had a moment of pillow talk. I have come to treasure those few moments before he falls asleep - where I can ask all of my theological questions and pour out every ounce of confusion on him. He's so calm. He's so sure. I value my husband and I value his wisdom. Knowing that God intended these late night conversations - I value him even more now. Every night I ask him, but last night I asked in a new way - searching, almost.

"Bradley", I say, "God tells us to ask without doubting". "yes" Brad says. "Bradley", I say again, "he also tells us to delight in him and that he WILL give us the desire of our hearts". "yep" he says again. "Bradley, I'm asking without doubting and delighting in him. Will he give us a family?" Silence. Then all too soon... I realize it's not for him to answer. And I realize...he's falling asleep. Father God - I know you see my heart and my desires. Lord, I feel like I'm begging. I DO have hope! Hope in heaven, hope in a changed life, hope in a family someday...

Glorious New Creation

We'll never know if it was a little girl or precious boy, we'll never know if the eyes were dark brown like me or sky blue like Bradley's. We'll never tickle its tiny toes or kiss its perfect cheeks. I'll never look over every body part to reassure myself that everything is in place and wonderful. We won't smell the new baby smell or feel the exhaustion from this baby and sleepless nights comforting a new cry. My baby, the one I carried these last 10 weeks will never call me mommy here on earth. Monday, Nov. 26th will be burnt into my mind as I remember sitting in that drab colored office, feeling numb and angry and forgotten as the doctor told me my baby was dead - or medically speaking "we aren't finding a heart beat". We sobbed, we cried out, we held on to each other. Then... we laughed. We laughed because no matter what our hope is built on something else, and we knew from the moment of that horrible news... that God was doing something. Something big... it HAD to be big in order for the Lord to take the very thing that we wanted more then anything. I wanted... Brad wanted... our parents wanted... While millions of women are killing their babies - we were grieving for one we couldn't hold on to tight enough. The thought makes me sick.

Grief. Sorrow. Pain. Sadness. Vulnerable. Angry. Frustrated. Numb. Excited. What should we think and what should we feel? Prayer. meditation. sleep. And then... THE WORD OF GOD reminded me, even though I didn't want to hear it and sometimes I still battle.

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth. And the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind."

Then... "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days...for the child shall die one hundred years old..."

I don't want to believe. I believe. I don't want to accept. I accept. I don't want to cry anymore. I cry. Talk to my sisters, talk to my mom, talk to my husband. Talk... to God? Pour out my heart, pour out my tears. God IS Good. Though I don't see it now, I KNOW it.

"Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence oh Lord, and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me THE JOY of my salvation...."

And then there was snow...

There's something magical and wonderful about the very first snow. This morning we woke up to a blanket of perfection covering everything. There's something peaceful and quiet, as if the earth takes a sigh of relief, a final cool down, a break... there's something that reminds me of the holiness of God, his purity, his grace and mercy. This morning I was able to take a few minutes away from the keyboard and explore the newly painted creation - it was breathtaking. I always and have always teared up with the first snow, even as a child. I'll never understand where the exhiliration comes from - but I know it's heavenly and God sent so I don't need to "get it". It's like a birthday present, all we need to do is say THANK YOU. :)

This morning I am feeling thankful, I'm feeling ready to hug my grandparents, to give my dad a kiss - to linger in a warm bed with my hubby while we talk about life, in our pajamas. I'm counting down the days towards seeing the faces of the people I belong too - we all need to belong, and I do. I love walking into my parents house for the first time... the smells, the dogs greeting us at the door, the familiarity of it all - it feels so good...kind of like the first perfect snow. Everything connects today. Thank you Lord God for your perfection!

Ten days to Turkey day!

You know, I never call it Turkey day, I actually LOVE calling it Thanksgiving. What a perfect name for such a celebration. Gathering together with loved ones, good food, good memories to make - all for the reason of celebrating them and being thankful. I praise the Lord for my family, extended and beyond...what an amazing masterpiece my God has woven together with all of the dysfunctional, irrational, sinful, wonderful people in my life. Most of all I am thankful for His sovereignty in my life through the years. Many times I stop and wonder... what would my life be like if I had... or... could I still say I was thankful if...

This Thanksgiving. I'm burdened (once again) for my Grandpa Bill. He's now 82 years old, a retired, Korean war vet who has survived raising 3 boys and a stroke. He's a strong man, a determined man, a man who is always right... but a man who is lost and without a saviour. In my mind I know his days are not forever, but I haven't accepted that in my heart. I feel like God has preserved him for a reason... the ultimate reason. Yet, holiday after holiday... no cry out to God, no eternal decisions... Just me settling for him pushing it aside. I want boldness - I want gentleness - I want the gift of heavenly pursausion in his favor. Is there such a thing? I know the arguements - is he Chosen for heaven? Or not? I don't know where I stand with that conversation, but I do believe that his sins are just as forgiveable as mine - and I do know that God gave His only son and was pleased by His death and covering of sin. As the holiday approaches, I'm not only thinking of what new pie I will create...but how I will word my next letter to grandpa. He reads my letters and saves them - they are all in his top drawer right by his chair. Grandma says sometimes he reads them again and again...what could he be thinking about? Could he already know his need... but be too proud? This year, I want a new approach - I've been writing since I was 10. I want an approach that he will stop and see. Pray with me this holiday for Bill Grice, that his heart will soften to our Heavenly Father's forgiveness... that he will call on the Lord. This is harvest season - I am a laborer, this is not just a holiday vacation - at times it even feels like the front lines of a war. And I think that's ok and I think that's necessary for me... I live an easy life.

Random thoughts

Awww...Just as soon as we are all in love with the autumn weather - it starts to slip away. If you don't live in North East PA, you are missing quite a color show this year!

We celebrated homecoming @ BBC a few weekends ago. That is always an interesting, exciting, fresh time. I love going and seeing who has been recently married, or who is having what number of kid - it was neat to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in awhile and mingle with people I maybe didn't mingle with while in school. Homecoming brings out the best in people, I think.

Here is a pic of me and the hubby during Homecoming day - he's adorable! I love this picture! I love being married and I love Bradley!

Things are a' changin'

It's October. The leaves are now bright fire red, neon orange and yellow. It's finally cooled down to the normal autumn temp after months of scorching 80's and 90's. The wind tastes like the coming winter which, in these parts, will all too soon be here. It's homecoming season, Football season, sweaters and hoodies season. All of the weddings are done, vacations have been ended for a while now, and kids are settled back into school. Wow, how fast things change. I never stopped to think about it- or maybe I was just to busy to notice. Now it's a daily acknowledgement. "Wow, I can't believe ____ is a junior this year", "can you believe so and so is having her 2nd baby already?", "I remember when we had to wear this and that". And, I'm 25. My mom always tells me "if you think life goes fast now, wait until you have kids". Things have changed and just like nature has switched seasons, so have the Pausleys.

Brad finished up his summer travels 2 weeks ago. It was a hard summer for me. I struggled a lot with him being gone so much. It affected parts of our marriage and we had a lot to talk about and were able to come up with some good ideas for change. When he came home we celebrated the beginning of Fall by taking a fabulous trip to a local farm market/orchard. We did the corn maze, the hay ride, you name it.... we had a blast and it was so good to be back together having fun. I love being married to Bradley - he is the joy of my day, but I have to admit... the last few months I've had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's been this little nagging voice, this little longing... yea, I want to be a mom. I want Brad and I to experience a new chapter in life. So many prayers and tears have been lifted up about this topic and for awhile it was a real wall for me. While I am totally satisfied with my husband, I love him and love giving all my focus on him, I just have this feeling deep within of wanting the next step. If you are a woman, I hope that makes sense. If you are a man... good luck.

All that to say - we are in process, folks! :) Just like the seasons, the Pausleys are changing as well. Preparing in our hearts and minds and dreams what life would be like as a trio. Things are a changin'...