I've been thinking a lot about the verses in scripture that talk about the peace that comes to those who love the Lord and have a relationship with Him. Yesterday I spent the day attempting to stay meditated on "He will keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on thee"... and wouldn't you know - the temptation to fret and worry and be anxious starting attacking me even stronger then when I was just "doing it on my own". On the way home from work lastnight I cried for first time in a while...about my baby. Only this time they were new tears. I've been battling this paralyzing fear of losing another child and last night it came to a head. It's a real, gripping, scary feeling to live like that. It seemed like no matter how hard I thought about the "Truth" the pain and, flashbacks, if you will, came back and pushed their way into my reality. I visualized the dull colored walls of the hospital, the empty painful feeling in my stomach and the days and days of crying on the couch with empty arms and womb.
In all of my 25 years I've never had to fight such a temptation to be swallowed by fear. Lastnight, bent over my dryer, I poured my heart out to the Lord. I read through more scripture to put it in my mind...like I was going into battle...and in a way I am. I keep telling myself that just because I've lost one baby doesn't mean I'll lose them all. I keep telling myself that God is JUST and gives us what we NEED, but also knows our DESIRES and can bless us with them. My walk with the Lord is so vital right now, and it always has been, but I just can't fathom doing this without a relationship with my creator. Brad can only say and do so much, and other people just say the wrong thing or worse...ignore me because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm dependent on my God and its just so sad that it takes this kind of thing to really draw that to my attention.
Next week Brad and I are free to start over. Thus, the fear...
Lord God, creator of Heaven and Earth, powerful healer, gracious friend - Hear my request.