Monday, February 18, 2008

Me again on a Monday

This weekend we had a fabulous time at High Point Camp with our youth group. It was such an encouragement to me and i had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now. The messages, although aimed towards teens, were so convicting to me - I left feeling refreshed even though I was running on empty according to my "sleep-o-meter". The word of God is powerful and it spoke to my heart, directly, several times over the last few days. I'm so thankful for the tragedy that the Lord allowed us to walk through - because I feel like I've been given a new look at my life and how I view it.

"Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!". But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. SHALL WE INDEED ACCEPT GOOD FROM GOD, AND SHALL WE NOT ACCEPT ADVERSITY?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips". Job 2:9-10

BAM - right in my face on a very late Friday night. I started to read through Job this weekend, because I'm intriqued with someone who was so at ease with God allowing hard times in their life. Job had every reason (humanly speaking) to freak out and curse God - he didn't understand, he was losing everything, and worst of all - his own health was failing. I couldn't imagine living with huge boils all over my body that i needed to scrape with a shred of a broken pot just to find relief, on top of everything else. I had to read through this verse multiple times to really grasp it. SHALL I ONLY ACCEPT GOOD was basically the convicting thought to me. Who am I to think I deserve only good things in life? Am I so American-ized to believe that I should have a life of no pain, everything at my command, etc? God has been so gracious to me these 25 years - I've never dealt with a serious illness, lost only a few relatives, lived in nice houses, always had food, clothing, cars, etc. And it's never been a thought to worry about things like water, warm beds and work. They are constant in my life.

The speaker this weekend spoke several times about "storms" in our life and I felt like every night he was staring at me - and I know the Lord had a plan for me to be there and for him to bring those messages. PRAISE GOD. I can't put into words how I'm feeling today but if I tried...
~~I'm elated that I have a God who allows things in my life, because he's caring for me enough to walk through them with me.
~~I'm challenged to accept the bad, which causes a deeper sense of peace for some reason.
~~I want to cry and thank Jesus for what he gave us - life, at his expense!

Since our miscarriage, I've had at least 10 friends get pregnant. Each time I have to sit back, take a deep breath...and just let God take over, otherwise this unexplainable pain takes its toll on my heart. I feel like I can't breath or blink, it's weird. Even though I am truly happy for my friends - PRAISE THE LORD this weekend I jumped a metaphoric hurdle, by hearing someone announce a pregnancy and my very first thought was, "Oh Lord, how excellent is your name". WOAH - where did that come from? All this to say, God is so good to me - he has healed a broken heart like mine...and continues everyday doing so.

I've been having all kinds of weird dreams lately - involving pregnancy. I had three this weekend. Oh how my heart yearns for a family of my own... each time I see mothers with their children I picture myself and dream a little. We'll find out in a few days if we have another one on the way and my heart is in perfect rest knowing that no matter what I'm being held in the palm of my saviors hand, and nothing can take me out!

No comments: