...it's all setting in now...

I went to bed last night feeling frustrated. I tossed and turned and tried to find the "just right" position for sleeping, only to roll over a million times, sigh loudly, and roll the opposite way all over again. My mind was spinning in twenty different directions and I just felt ill. I'm frustrated about this whole experience with the Ohio church. I'm mad at the Pastor for being so emotional and unbiblical. I'm angry about the fact that there is no accountability at that place... I'm ticked at how sad my husband was... and sometimes still is. How could this have happened? I still can't believe it. I guess it's all just setting in now.

This morning I checked the churches website one more time... hoping to catch a glimpse at who the #2 choice was. And, sure enough, there was a name with an email link. They've hired him. I wonder if he knows he was #2. I wonder if Kevin has been transparent and honest with him about what happened to my husband. And I'm assuming that answer to all of my questions is no, based on what I've learned of them over the last month.

It's so easy to KNOW that God has saved/spared us. It's so easy to KNOW that he has a plan for us. It's even easier to say that we are PATIENTLY WAITING. But the truth is... I hate it. I hate doing this all over again with churches so far away from family... I hate the hunt that it's turned into. I despise how nervous Brad gets with each interview... and how deep inside he'll always have this scar tissue of a careless pastor in Ohio telling him he wasn't enough.

God, you know my heart... how sinful it is. How I hold on to hurts. God, you know our needs and more importantly our desires... (sometimes). Is there a way we could serve you, and have the benefit of being near to the ones we love?