As we drove onto the island I had an eager anticipation of what would lie ahead. My heart gave a soft sigh as I saw birds, trees and grass... I smiled... I could do this - there is life here. But as we rounded the bridge and continued on through the busy traffic ridden streets I started going into a coma of disbelief. While there aren't skyscrapers or cops rushing by in the middle of street chases...there was something tugging at my heart and making me feel all emotional. This place, Lord? This place? Are you sure? We passed block after block of the same four kinds of shops: dry cleaner, nail place, asian buffet and pawn shop. Everything had the feeling of being very old, very dirty and a little scary. There were no families at the parks. There were no lemonade stands on corners set up by aspiring 9 year olds... only traffic, high costs and dirty buildings.
I tried to breath and not be dramatic. This is just a test, a trial to see if we like it. I could keep an open eye and just observe and take notes... but i couldn't stop that aching feeling in my throat like I was going to just burst into tears at any moment. I felt as if I was watching all of my dreams flush down a big dirty toilet. I felt like a bad wife because I couldn't envision myself there. I couldn't picture myself pushing a stroller down a traffic filled highway. I couldn't imagine setting up life in this place. God please! Wisdom!
The irony of marriage is in the wording... we are one. But, we have two minds. The irony is that while I feel this is not at all where we belong... my other half considers it a good option. So now I wait... with that heavy chested feeling again. Waiting to be directed, no...told, where I need to go and what i need to do. Will it really end up being me just caving in and doing something that i hate? I never pictured my life like this.
I know the Lord grants wisdom LIBERALLY.... Lord, please... show us clearly. Make it so evident to me if this is what you want. And, if it's not... please let him know clearly.