Tuesday, October 25, 2011

His Mercies...the anticipation

Lastnight as I lay in bed my shoulders were tight, my head pounded, and I dreaded the early morning hours to come. The night prior was a disaster. Both of my girls have head colds and both of them are up at random times during the night - making for one exhausted momma, as I seem to be up hour after hour waiting on two children. Time seems to FLY by sometimes, doesn't it? And then some nights it draaaags on. My poor Augs has the worst of it, I'm afraid. She's completely congested and just coughs and gags and chokes all night long. I'm not the type that can "tune out" that kind of thing... so I lay there feeling helpless and stressed out. As if my thumb twiddling and grimmaced face helps. Anyway, yesterday was a long and difficult day for me after a midnight awakening, followed by a 4 to 6:55am wake up time. Keep in mind that I babysit full time and my 3rd little one was to arrive shortly after 7am. My body was protesting BIG TIME as I tried to get dressed and get moving. Everything within me was exhausted and begging for sleep. Had those days?

The whole night I had been begging God to PLEASE help me show love to my children, to be patient, to be kind. I was claiming VICTORY over my flesh...because Christ has already given us victory - we forget that.

Finally the adrenaline kicked in and we actually ended up having a pretty great morning. Ava and I had some great one-on-one craft time while Augs napped and little boy played on the floor. We talked about "Eucharisteo" and giving thanks in ALL things. I had Mozart playing quietly and our fall scented candle burning. I kept thanking God over and over for His mercies that morning. Then nap time came and life just seemed to all fall apart. Augs wasn't adjusting to her new 4-hour routine, and she was snotty and having trouble breathing -which, kills a naptime. Ava's new thing is fighting nap time, when, usually she LOVED going to nap. My morning adrenaline was fading and I was tired...aching for 10 minutes of alone time. My head pounded and reminded me of just how little rest I actually got lastnight. I'm so spoiled on sleep now - having a 5 month old who's been "through the night" for months! I could go on and on. I found my heart getting frustrated, "Lord, WHY is this happening? You know I can't handle this!" Almost as if I was DUE that alone time I craved. {psst...I don't} My selfishness was taking over fast.

The day ended finally, around 11:15 lastnight. I crawled into bed and just wanted to collapse into a deep sleep as fast as I could...that's when the coughing started. I moaned, "nooooo" not again. In my mind all I could think about was that I "needed" sleep - it's scientifically proven right? All I longed for was to experience yet again those new mercies from my God. I cried. {Literally} My heart sunk as I pictured myself up again at 12, 2, 4am...such ugly hours when you are at your limit. I was fighting for joy - it was a very real battle. Hubs was already asleep and I didn't want to wake him to ask for prayer... so, the Holy Spirit was definitely translating my "groanings". :) Praise God for that! Scripture was pouring through my tired mind and I slowly felt the tension ease, my head stop aching and the dread leave my mind. Not that anything magical was happening, but, my anticipation of the new mercies of the Lord were my comfort. I could make it through another sleepless night if need be. I could love my children, patiently, just as if I was running on 12 hours. I could face tomorrow. And I drifted off...

At 6:38 this morning my alarm went off. Two little beeps. My eyes fluttered and I sat straight up looking around. Did we all really sleep all night? Glancing at hubs, he asks me... "feeling better?". {Turkey!}

And my eyes mist as I yet again bask in the goodness and mercy of my God. He is REAL. He is ALIVE. He is ALL I NEED.

Psalm 89:1 -"I will sing of the mercies of the LORD forever; With my mouth will I make known Your faithfulness to all generations."

Psalm 103:8 - "The LORD is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy."

Lamentations 3: 22-25 -"Though the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.“ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,To the soul who seeks Him."


Hasson house said...

This is so great, Mandi. Thank you for your transparency. All of us mommies have been there, yet, I sometimes tend to think I'm alone in this journey. Thank you for blessing me today! I'll be praying for your little ones to feel better.

becky said...

I listened to this song this morning...as I read your blog today, I know that you will be encouraged by it: One heartbeat at a time...you are changing the world one heart beat at a time, Mandi. Thanks for sharing your heart and how the Holy Spirit is bringing you comfort through the hard times. Missed sleep is so hard...
Hang in there...you are serving the Lord as you serve your little family. Sending a hug over the miles...

p.s. Lamentations 3:22,23 has been such an encouragement to me lately...I love claiming that verse and thanking God for his grace, mercy, and love in my life!