Capturing something beautiful

Back at the end of September Bradley and I had a photo shoot, with a new friend, Jo. She's an amazing photographer and I waited in great anticipation for our special day. She had taken time in advance to scout out places to shoot us in Scranton and we had such a blast following her through the busy streets to our destinations. I've had my picture taken a million times before, but this day was so special - she helped Brad and I create new memories and for that I am grateful.

I spent some time with Jo in June, while she shot Jon and Amy's wedding, I was working as her assistant and we got a few hours to get to know each other. She's a mother of three, very creative and very kind. I loved watching the gentle way she focused on each picture, turning her head to think and scrunching her forhead thinking about her ideas. Jo inspires me to follow my dreams. Although she has a life full of great responsibilites she still makes time for beautiful things - nature, quiet moments, kisses and fall leaves. When she gave me our finished pictures, she also gave me a small box full of decorated papers - it was a "thought box". She encouraged me that any time I heard a quote, had a thought, a whispered prayer or a frusration to write it down and keep it, "treasure it". I've already started my collection. Jo reminds me to look at the small things even more then I already do. Notice the wind touching the dust, see stars at night above a city sky, smell pine branches after the snow melts off...





During this shoot I felt like a princess or a super model. I felt like every ray of bronze sunlight and every rush of wind was there just to make me look and feel amazing. I had just found out I was expecting... and the day couldn't have been more perfect. I believe with all of my heart that God wanted me to feel like that for that day. God is good like that.






Lastnight during some quiet time I had read through Psalm 10. It's not an encouraging Psalm or one of those happy praise ones, either. It's a whining, questioning, angry Psalm asking God WHY the wicked continue to prosper. I like reading those every now and again...it reminds me that i'm not the only one who wonders... and it reminds me that God hears me and does answer me. The ultimate question in life is not "why or what?" but "who?". Who is this God? Who allows the Sun to shine, the moon to hide during the day, kittens to be born and seeds to sprout into new life? Who is this God who would send His only son to die for a world of horrible people who won't love him back? Who is God to me? Once we understand the "who", our complaints start to dwindle and our whining subsides, and our hearts begin to soften. In my own life I'm learning this daily. The Why isn't necessarily the end all, it's understanding and loving the Who.

Brad has been gone for 7 days now. He won't be home until 2 more. These long trips wear me out and put pressure on us both. I never considered myself to be a "needy" person, but when I'm without my partner I feel lost and alone and disconnected from life, really. I'm so anxious to see him and hug him and hear him speak again. It's the simple things that I enjoy most with him. His grins, excessive sighing when he wants attention, the way he takes up an entire couch with his 6 footed self. I love him. He's such a jewel in my life, and I treasure what we have.

You make everything Glorious

Glorious is my favorite word lately. That's a self revelation I've had this week as I look back over different things I've written, blogged, face booked, commented on... Glorious. :) Glorious food, friends, life, etc. Even my favorite song right now has the word Glorious all through it.


This morning on my way into work there was a perfect vertical rainbow shooting down from the sky. It looked very obviously like an arrow stretching from the dark blue right into a mountain top. It was...you guessed it..glorious. I saw this rainbow after a fairly emotional ride into town. My favorite CD currently is David Crowder's new one and the song I mentioned earlier that has my favorite word in it goes like this...

"You make everything glorious,

you make everything glorious,

you make everything glorious...so what does that make me?".
Pause. I'm glorious. I'm made in the image of God. I'm saved for an eternal life in Heaven. I'm created to enjoy rainbows, life and the GLORY of God. Do you ever find yourself listening to a song and you feel like your soul is just going to explode because you feel that love and longing for our saviour? That's how I felt this morning. I'm on the highway, Crowder blasting at high volume, tears running down my cheeks and I'm worshipping. People are passing me and giving me odd looks at this point, but the tears keep coming and my soul is being satisfied with the knowledge that God has made everything glorious and that I AM IN THAT CATEGORY! Then...the rainbow. If I were the type to get all creeped out by "signs"...I would have been creeped out. God gave me that rainbow this morning, reminding me of his intimate love in my life. He reminded me that no matter how much my body fails and my heart deceives and my mind wanders... that I'm glorious to Him and he cares about me. The truth is, God has always used nature to remind me of these things. Short story - In college, I went through a few weeks when I would wake up without an alarm every day before the sun was up, around 5ish and couldn't fall back asleep. And every morning (while everyone else slept...and I wanted to be sleeping) I just felt the Lord tugging at my heart. But about what?! So I'd wander into the lounge and sit on a couch and just think. I would mentally open my brain and just try to absorb whatever it was I needed...obviously. On the very first day of all of this, while I'm sitting on the lounge couch I notice a small black spider on the floor a few feet away from me. My normal reaction would be to 1) remove it to the great outdoors or 2) smush and flush, but starting on this day... I just felt like I needed to watch it. So I spent the next hour talking to the Lord and watching this spider mosey through the lounge in the quiet. Day after day this happened, and I'm not kidding when I tell you that this spider was right back in that same spot (and yes, alive) every morning when I arrived on the lounge couch. Occasionally, I caught myself worrying about this spider throughout my day - "I hope nobody squashes the poor thing", "I wonder if that weird spider will be back again tomorrow", "I wonder if I'll be up again that early tomorrow?". Weird, I know. Then came the day when I stopped waking up and that spider either met his doom or found an escape and that phase of my life was over. And do you know what I learned out of all of this... God created that little spider for a reason. He wasn't an accident or a morph of evolution, he was a detailed little thing that our God took time to create and design...how much MORE important was I to the Lord. Maybe the Lord woke me up every day for those few weeks to remind me of that. That I was a glorious creation to him, that I had purpose... that my life was for more then sleeping in everyday and going to classes when I felt like it. While I spent those mornings praying and watching I learned to appreciate God more. I appreciated his attention to detail, I appreciated his intelligence, I appreciated his concern for me...a lazy college student who lacked motivation. I guess, tying this all back in, the rainbow was another one of God's little reminders today. Reminder that he Loves me, and a reminder for me to "wake up and smell the flowers" literally.

Good friends

Good friends...
They like the same things you do, and if they don't it's still fun doing them.
They know when you are lying
They understand you when you are "speechless"
Good friends see your heart, feel your pain, catch you when you fall...or start to.
Good friends can give you a kick in the pants when you need it or build you up higher then a kite when its due.
They pray with you... they pray for you... they cry with you, and they laugh even harder.


Good friends text you every half an hour to check on you in hard times, like Naomi did.
Good friends find ways to protect you from other people, like my mom does.
Good friends share their own pains, like Aaron does with Brad.
Good friends treasure the "Good ol' days".



Over Christmas break in Iowa, we were able to get together for a brief second with our friends Aaron and Laura. We met at Caribou Coffee and enjoyed some conversation early in the day. Brad and Aaron grew up together - although not always "best friends", they share a friendship that is growing and changing over the years. I loved sitting and watching them interact. They have so many memories together... always hilarious to hear retold with embellishments. Aaron played a key role in Brad's life - and for me, getting to know him now is just too much fun. Aaron's wife is gorgeous. She reminds me of a fairy tale princess with her fair skin and golden orange/red hair. She's proper and seems patient and quiet. Although our conversation isn't deep or by any means deeply moving, we are new to each other, and the little ounces of her that I get to know are always wonderful. In a perfect world, we would have had hours to sit and talk and catch up and get to know each other...but, that's not how life works. After coffee, the four of us took a quick tour of some local shops bustling with all of their Christmas and after Christmas sales. We stopped into a French country shop that none of us could afford, but was fun all the same. Then we said our goodbyes, not knowing when our next seconds together would be.


I guess I'm writing all of this because after this visit I really got to thinking about what a good friend is. In my mind I think of someone I lived with in the dorm, someone who knows all of my business and loves me anyway, or someone I talk to daily and we know all the details in every situation. But then after our visit with the Pals, it dawned on me that we only see these people twice a year maybe... but every time I see them I feel like we are just picking right back up and time hasn't moved a second. Good friends. Moreso for Brad and Aaron as Laura and I just married in and are along for the ride... a fun ride.


Today I'm thinking of my good friends. Friends like Karen, who after just one weekend of volunteering together - impacted my life and my dreams of being a mom. She does it with her whole heart, and I want to be like that. Friends like Suzy who bring humor and insight into my everyday. Friends like Meredith who mourn with me and we tag team wait for the future. Friends that I haven't seen or spoken too in ages... Jon in Kentucky with his hilarious antics. Bonnie and Nathan who love me and encourage me with quick hellos on facebook. Janice, who has been with me in hard times and hilarious times and is ALWAYS strong. Beth, whose patience and quiet spirit have taught me more then I could have ever gotten from college.
I'm thinking of Emily, my survivor. Kim, my determined professional. Karyn... my long lost college best friend. We live 10 minutes apart physically, but it's really like light years. How does that happen? I'll never understand, but I'm sad about it.

I once heard someone say that you are a blessed person if you could count on one hand your friends. Well Lord, than in that case... you have blessed me beyond measure, even if I don't always feel like it.

Once upon a time...

I had a little brother once. His name was Josh. He was a stout little muscle ball that I could get into trouble any time. He tanned up like a little indian baby in the summer, mom called him "Brownberry". His nicknames were Junior, Herman, Doshie and Brudder. I had a little brother once who would come into my room in the middle of the night and sleep on my bedroom floor because he was afraid of his own room and the darkness. This little brother let me play with him and his matchbox cars, even though my barbies were way too big. He and I would play outside until it was too dark to see the dirt mound we had created... Once upon a time I had a little brother named Josh... and now I'm wondering... where did that time go?

My little brother, who now stands well above 6 feet tall and weighs much more then I... my little brother who is married and to have his first baby, before me. My little brother who fights in a war that no one understands or wants to, but he does it with Pride and with STRENGTH and with a heart of gold.

Christmas was emotional this year. I knew it would be and I didn't even try to prepare myself because I wanted to feel it all. We spent a week in the state of Iowa with Bradley's siblings and parents. His parents are leaving their chuch that they have been at for 14 years. God has other plans for them, but now that the house is for sale and they don't have jobs... God still hasnt directed. My sister and brother in law want children... but God hasn't blessed them, yet. It's been so long...

It was a fun time, we laughed every day and were loud and rowdy and enjoyed each others company...but still every night there was a weird uncomfortable feeling for me. God, why do I feel like you leave your people hanging? These are GOOD people. They LOVE you and serve you with their entire lives. I watched my father in law sit and watch his kids...for the last time in the house they'd known for over a decade. He doesn't know what tomorrow holds or when we will all be together again. I watched him cry as we all said goodbye one last time to a brother and his wife as they drove out of the driveway. I felt like my throat would explode as I held in every tear as hard as could...

Christmas with my family was just as emotional but for other reasons. My brother's wife is 7 months perfectly pregnant. She has the pregnant figure that I would die to have, that I thought I would have only a few short weeks ago. I did my very best to be secure in my faith and understanding that God DOES have a plan, but I still failed daily as I once again asked forgiveness for doubting and discontent. Days grew harder each time a new "announcement" came. I rejoiced with people, honestly I did, but then would weep... I am so thrilled for God's blessings in others lives - but its still an open wound for me and I can't act like its not. And remember that little brother I mentioned? I got to spend time with him, for the first time in probably a year. He's different. The war has changed parts of him, although he still has the deep sensitivity to me even if he wont' admit it. That's why he got up at 6am to say another goodbye as I left for my flight. As I hugged him goodbye I felt that throat bursting feeling again. Would this be my last goodbye? I'm SICK of goodbyes. I'm tired of loving and losing although I know that will never end while we are on this earth. I hugged him and hugged him and wanted him to feel my heart and feel the things I can't say to him. He's not walking with the Lord. Afghanistan is only a few weeks away again...
I love my little brother. I love our closeness and our similarities and how we have so many inside jokes that no one else is in on. I love his laughter and his boldness, although its gotten him in trouble so many times.

Once upon a time... it just seems perfect to say.

Thinking about Mom

I downloaded my pictures from this past Thanksgiving today. It was good/weird to look through pictures of smiling faces that i loved so much - part of the weirdness for me comes from the fact that some of those extra smiles were for the grandchild, great-grandchild, cousin, etc. they hadn't lost yet. But, I try not play those mind games with myself. What's done is done and the Lord still sits on the throne.

During Thanksgiving I was able to spend the day with my Aunt Kim and cousin Bailie - two people that I love very much. Bailie, since she was born has been more like a little sister then a cousin, my mom baby sat her in our house from age 2 till basically now. They lived right next door all through my highschool years, and we always did everything together - sometimes it annoyed me, just like sisters would feel, but now I look back and what precious memories we have. Time has pressed on and now it's 2007 - Bailie is obviously no longer 2, but a stunning 13 year old right on the verge of exploding into a beautiful, intelligent, lovely young woman. Kim has moved on from her divorce years ago and is now engaged again - life changes, and it has for these two women. Anyway, Thanksgiving day while everyone was bustling around and busy with this and that- I just sat back and watched Kim and Bailie in their mother/daughter roles... and soaked it in. Was I really 13 once? Did my mom and I have that mysterious relationship like I see them having now? I loved watching them pal around. Kim would tickle her, Bailie would sass something smart, Kim would give the "watch it" look, then back to tickling and hugging and loving, only such as mothers and daughters can do. I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

After our large meal, sure enough - they gravitate towards each other and end up goofing off on the couch. Although she won't admit it now - Bailie needs these times with her mom. She needs the joking, laughing, hugging - this is what will mold her into what she is to become. These are the moments that will ground her for life.

Even when I was taking these pictures I could hear her saying "ew, don't take this picture" and so on - but I know that someday she'll see it and it will feel good to see it.

Watching them makes me love my mom more. My mom is amazing. She's intelligent - graduated from college and now working in her chosen medical field. She's wise, patient, understanding, compassionate to people and animals, diligent (honors student), creative - making everything from blankets to clothes to greeting cards. My mom is amazing. When I watch Bailie and Kim it takes me back to being that age, having the on again off again fights about nothing but teenage hormone inspired things, then crying together or going shopping to get away from the boys.

On Nov. 26th when I lost my baby - the first person I called was mom. She cried with me out loud right at her work - she didn't care who was watching or what looks she might get. She hurt with me and for me, and because of that I am healing. It's because of WHO she is that I have become who I am. She has taught me to love, to be patient, to succeed, to be creative, to laugh in the difficult times - and to take everything with the proverbial "grain of salt". Mom and Kim are sisters - Bailie and I are cousins - but it's amazing how close and the same we are. We all have dark brown eyes, brown hair, similar body shapes, identical food tastes, we enjoy the sames jokes and types of entertainment. We are family. When Bailie was a baby I used to pretend she was mine - when she was toddler and we would go somewhere we would pretend she was my baby sister and she loved that game - and I loved it, even if I didn't admit it then.

I'm kind of babbling today - I guess the whole point is, now that I'm 25 it's like the Lord has dumped 100 more reasons to be thankful for my mom - the women who brought me into this world and loves me unconditionally everyday. I love you Marmie - I always will.

And now the precious days

The waiting. Sometimes lately I've felt like I was a character in a movie, that this isn't my reality. I'm simply portraying what could happen to those who love the Lord. My books on grieving say that I would come to this point - and that its healthy. The truth is, I feel wonderful. My body is healing and as far as I know almost back to "normal". Mentally, I feel strong and level headed. I'm thinking clearly and realistically (besides my moments of thinking its all still a nightmere).

I'm calling these weeks my "precious days" because there has been such an intimacy in my life that I've never felt before. I feel so close to my husband. Sometimes we'll have the same thought at the same time and that feels fantastic. I feel so aware of my humanity and as a result feel my need for a savior so strongly. I wake up in the morning aware of my humanity, each time I touch my stomach and remember what is no longer there - in the afternoons when I start to feel down, in the evenings when I forget to cry and its only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my baby. I'm human, I hurt...but I also heal. What a sweet release to lay it all at my God's feet - that I don't have to bear this alone. What a precious time to be vulnerable, to feel, to ache, to inch that much closer to an understanding - and yet remain far enough away that I still have that hope and expectation.

Each night I lay awake in silence - each night I ask the same questions - I think the same thoughts -I toss and turn until finally I recite some scripture about trust then drift off. The bad dreams are gone, the soaked pillow is no more, the holding onto Brad until I cried myself asleep is over. And I think to myself "how is this possible"? How has my mourning changed to Joy already - part of me wants the tears back, it felt so good to mourn because it made it real. Why do I feel so strong already? Why do I feel like I'm getting "over" this?

Yesterday in Sunday school we did a word study on the word "trust". I wasn't anxious to look it up because that means I would have to hear it again... trust. Trust - "to enjoy confidence", "faith", "assurance in....". Do you understand that the Lord IS hearing my prayers. Do you understand, could you relate to knowing what the "peace that passes all understanding" feels like?

I was convicted the other day, my first conviction post-miscarriage. It hit me hard, and I wasn't ready for it, but that never matters no matter how you feel. Paul challenged people in 1 Cor to not grieve as those who have no hope. WOW. I...Have...Hope. It may not be the hope that I'll have children and it may not be the hope that my every want and desire will be met - but I have Hope in eternity. I haven't swallowed it quite yet - but I'm still chewing.

Last night before Brad dozed off we had a moment of pillow talk. I have come to treasure those few moments before he falls asleep - where I can ask all of my theological questions and pour out every ounce of confusion on him. He's so calm. He's so sure. I value my husband and I value his wisdom. Knowing that God intended these late night conversations - I value him even more now. Every night I ask him, but last night I asked in a new way - searching, almost.

"Bradley", I say, "God tells us to ask without doubting". "yes" Brad says. "Bradley", I say again, "he also tells us to delight in him and that he WILL give us the desire of our hearts". "yep" he says again. "Bradley, I'm asking without doubting and delighting in him. Will he give us a family?" Silence. Then all too soon... I realize it's not for him to answer. And I realize...he's falling asleep. Father God - I know you see my heart and my desires. Lord, I feel like I'm begging. I DO have hope! Hope in heaven, hope in a changed life, hope in a family someday...

Glorious New Creation

We'll never know if it was a little girl or precious boy, we'll never know if the eyes were dark brown like me or sky blue like Bradley's. We'll never tickle its tiny toes or kiss its perfect cheeks. I'll never look over every body part to reassure myself that everything is in place and wonderful. We won't smell the new baby smell or feel the exhaustion from this baby and sleepless nights comforting a new cry. My baby, the one I carried these last 10 weeks will never call me mommy here on earth. Monday, Nov. 26th will be burnt into my mind as I remember sitting in that drab colored office, feeling numb and angry and forgotten as the doctor told me my baby was dead - or medically speaking "we aren't finding a heart beat". We sobbed, we cried out, we held on to each other. Then... we laughed. We laughed because no matter what our hope is built on something else, and we knew from the moment of that horrible news... that God was doing something. Something big... it HAD to be big in order for the Lord to take the very thing that we wanted more then anything. I wanted... Brad wanted... our parents wanted... While millions of women are killing their babies - we were grieving for one we couldn't hold on to tight enough. The thought makes me sick.

Grief. Sorrow. Pain. Sadness. Vulnerable. Angry. Frustrated. Numb. Excited. What should we think and what should we feel? Prayer. meditation. sleep. And then... THE WORD OF GOD reminded me, even though I didn't want to hear it and sometimes I still battle.

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth. And the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind."

Then... "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days...for the child shall die one hundred years old..."

I don't want to believe. I believe. I don't want to accept. I accept. I don't want to cry anymore. I cry. Talk to my sisters, talk to my mom, talk to my husband. Talk... to God? Pour out my heart, pour out my tears. God IS Good. Though I don't see it now, I KNOW it.

"Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence oh Lord, and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me THE JOY of my salvation...."