Once upon a time...

I had a little brother once. His name was Josh. He was a stout little muscle ball that I could get into trouble any time. He tanned up like a little indian baby in the summer, mom called him "Brownberry". His nicknames were Junior, Herman, Doshie and Brudder. I had a little brother once who would come into my room in the middle of the night and sleep on my bedroom floor because he was afraid of his own room and the darkness. This little brother let me play with him and his matchbox cars, even though my barbies were way too big. He and I would play outside until it was too dark to see the dirt mound we had created... Once upon a time I had a little brother named Josh... and now I'm wondering... where did that time go?

My little brother, who now stands well above 6 feet tall and weighs much more then I... my little brother who is married and to have his first baby, before me. My little brother who fights in a war that no one understands or wants to, but he does it with Pride and with STRENGTH and with a heart of gold.

Christmas was emotional this year. I knew it would be and I didn't even try to prepare myself because I wanted to feel it all. We spent a week in the state of Iowa with Bradley's siblings and parents. His parents are leaving their chuch that they have been at for 14 years. God has other plans for them, but now that the house is for sale and they don't have jobs... God still hasnt directed. My sister and brother in law want children... but God hasn't blessed them, yet. It's been so long...

It was a fun time, we laughed every day and were loud and rowdy and enjoyed each others company...but still every night there was a weird uncomfortable feeling for me. God, why do I feel like you leave your people hanging? These are GOOD people. They LOVE you and serve you with their entire lives. I watched my father in law sit and watch his kids...for the last time in the house they'd known for over a decade. He doesn't know what tomorrow holds or when we will all be together again. I watched him cry as we all said goodbye one last time to a brother and his wife as they drove out of the driveway. I felt like my throat would explode as I held in every tear as hard as could...

Christmas with my family was just as emotional but for other reasons. My brother's wife is 7 months perfectly pregnant. She has the pregnant figure that I would die to have, that I thought I would have only a few short weeks ago. I did my very best to be secure in my faith and understanding that God DOES have a plan, but I still failed daily as I once again asked forgiveness for doubting and discontent. Days grew harder each time a new "announcement" came. I rejoiced with people, honestly I did, but then would weep... I am so thrilled for God's blessings in others lives - but its still an open wound for me and I can't act like its not. And remember that little brother I mentioned? I got to spend time with him, for the first time in probably a year. He's different. The war has changed parts of him, although he still has the deep sensitivity to me even if he wont' admit it. That's why he got up at 6am to say another goodbye as I left for my flight. As I hugged him goodbye I felt that throat bursting feeling again. Would this be my last goodbye? I'm SICK of goodbyes. I'm tired of loving and losing although I know that will never end while we are on this earth. I hugged him and hugged him and wanted him to feel my heart and feel the things I can't say to him. He's not walking with the Lord. Afghanistan is only a few weeks away again...
I love my little brother. I love our closeness and our similarities and how we have so many inside jokes that no one else is in on. I love his laughter and his boldness, although its gotten him in trouble so many times.

Once upon a time... it just seems perfect to say.