when you're a jumble of emotions...

This morning in chapel President Jeffery shared with us from Genesis 22. We looked at the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son - a story we've (I've) heard a zillion times. He began and ended his lesson with the quote "worship involves sacrifice".... sacrifice? Now, I'm not living in a third world country. I don't have to choose between food and safety. I worship freely any way I choose. So, for him to say that "worship involves sacrifice" - made sense for Abraham's day...and wouldn't you know it...clicked in my heart and mind this morning.

"God will bring us to a point where our most loved and most valuable will need to be placed on the altar". I'm sure I messed up that quote - but that's another piece of wisdom I heard in chapel today. The idea to follow was that... well, to be honest I was too blinded by my hurt this morning to hear much else. I felt numb as the other people around me sang and agreed with their grunts during PJ's message. But what the Lord wanted me to hear is that my worship, Brad's worship... involves sacrifice. And while I don't have all of that put together yet - it's getting there.

Last week was a very hard week for Brad and I. In the matter of 24 hours our future changed not once, but twice. On Wednesday Bradley was offered a pastoral position at a church in Ohio that we had started to fall head over heels in love with... We were so excited! God had opened a door and looked like he was clearly leading. We asked for a day to pray about it, but were so thrilled to give the big YES and move on with life. Could it really be this easy? I couldn't help but wonder. God had been so good to us! We found a place that would honor Brad's contract, had a preschool and was only 40 minutes from my family!!! I felt like there was nothing better.

Then Thursday came. Thursday evening the pastor called to withdrawal his offer from Brad. We sat in a bedroom completely blindsided by this decision. We had done no wrong. We had prayed, we had sought wisdom... before the call we were sharing our vision with dear friends - telling them our exciting news! And while I can't yet say anything postive about this man who has hurt my husband so deeply - I do know in the back of my mind that GOD IS WORKING OUT HIS PLAN. He has to be... that's the only sense of this past horrible year and all of the hardships we have gone through. We'll never know what caused this man to sit at home by himself, crying, and call my husband to take back his offer only a few days later - but we did learn a few things.

-we choose to take this before the Lord, and asked for days to pray together before we said a sure OK.

-we choose to seek wise counsel from family, friends and those in the ministry leading us now.

-we depend on the Lord's strength.

All that to say - we have to TRUST that God knows. He knows we did everything right. We have to trust that he is saving us from something we would all too soon regret being apart of. But all of this "knowledge" doesn't change a human wife's pain for her spouse. As I sat and watched my husband 'take' this bad news - my stomach hurt. He was being tormented inside... he was frustrated, angry and felt horrible. Still today...days later, he's still questioning "did I do something wrong?", "was it wrong for me to ask questions?", "was it wrong for me to want a day to pray about the most important decision of my life?". And the answer is an obvious NO.

Almighty God - what have you saved us from that we don't understand or see?

How in your grace and mercy did you choose to scoop us up out of a situation that was lying before us? What is your plan? Why for over a year now does our worship involve so much sacrifice? What do you have for us? We have to trust that its BIG! We have to believe that you are working out your plan in our lives... "Hosanna, Hosanna, Hossana in the highest".

Now today, I'll go home and wear my heart on my sleeve for my husband. He's been wounded in this battle... how do I help him mend? How do I encourage? How do I help the healing? How do I convince my godly husband that he is in the palm of your hand and this is all part of your master plan?

A weird fact of life

Troy, Ohio. Home of many people I'm sure...
Place of happiness, lots of schools, churches, community events...

As I drove around the town with my husband, I commented that it was just a homey place to be. People were outside walking the sidewalks, they had a goodwill store, it was a typical "welcome to America" town. Brad got nostalgic as we drove around his old block - we took pictures of the street signs and his old house, school, etc. He showed me the house he got saved at one summer, and the hill his dad took him down on his bike when he was a little guy, too scared to go alone - a memory he treasures.

Then we rounded the hill and came upon a huge grave yard. My heart sunk. We CAN'T be going in there! Since childhood I've struggled with facing and being around death. I've only just lost my great - grandparents, and besides the loss of my child, I don't experience death often. I'm uncomfortable with mourning... I'm shy around those who lose loved ones... and I'm not proud of that - but I'm so immature when it comes to this stuff. My heart goes into overdrive, I lose my breath and feel all shaky.

We follow a path through this grave yard, and there are assorted grave stones all different shapes and sizes and colors - some were beautiful, outlandish designs of angels and Mary figurines, while others were simple stones with a name and date. My eyes went from name to name, date to date, some were children - others middle aged, and many lived long lives. I tried to picture each person in my mind. What did they look like? What was their life story? Then out of the corner of my eye... I see why we are here. Pausley. Two Pausleys. Brad parks the car and I sat frozen in the passenger seat - I can't move. I'm starring at the graves with my last name on them. I wanted so badly to hop out and support my husband as he spent a few minutes paying respect to his grandparents, people I never met, but hear so much about. He arranged the silk flowers someone had placed on their stone, then he patted away the snow and made the spot look more tidy and cared for. He knelt down and put his hand on the top of the grave - I saw him mouth something then turn back to me and smile. He's so strong. I want to be like him.

As we pulled away, I'm trying so hard to hold back the tears - my throat hurts as I try. I end up weeping and apologizing that I couldn't be out there with him, he understands...always understands me. We have a quiet moment then follow the path to the exit. As we are leaving we drive past an elderly woman who is sitting in her car looking out the window at a grave. Was this her husband recently buried? A son lost years ago much too early? A sister? Parent? I couldn't help but watch her as she layed her head on her hand and just watched the grave.... she seemed so at peace, so calm and accepting of her situation. I tucked this picture into my brain and hope to never forget it. Death...

why i love teenagers

I love teenagers because...
-they have fun no matter what they are doing
-everything is a reason to clap and yell
-they either love God intensely...or, don't bother faking it.
-they say new words that i've never heard
-they give great hugs
-they challenge me to "behave"

They remind me of what God can do in a willing heart!

I love teenagers because...

-They use black eyeliner...a lot.
-style is whatever you want it to be
-competition is huge
-crushes, weekend romances, etc.
-when they cry, it's real
-that awkward shyness jr high girls have around sr. high guys.

-the way they interact with each other

-Colors of clothing

-hearts of gold

-that "odd" confidence they have in themselves.

Me again on a Monday

This weekend we had a fabulous time at High Point Camp with our youth group. It was such an encouragement to me and i had been looking forward to it for a few weeks now. The messages, although aimed towards teens, were so convicting to me - I left feeling refreshed even though I was running on empty according to my "sleep-o-meter". The word of God is powerful and it spoke to my heart, directly, several times over the last few days. I'm so thankful for the tragedy that the Lord allowed us to walk through - because I feel like I've been given a new look at my life and how I view it.

"Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!". But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. SHALL WE INDEED ACCEPT GOOD FROM GOD, AND SHALL WE NOT ACCEPT ADVERSITY?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips". Job 2:9-10

BAM - right in my face on a very late Friday night. I started to read through Job this weekend, because I'm intriqued with someone who was so at ease with God allowing hard times in their life. Job had every reason (humanly speaking) to freak out and curse God - he didn't understand, he was losing everything, and worst of all - his own health was failing. I couldn't imagine living with huge boils all over my body that i needed to scrape with a shred of a broken pot just to find relief, on top of everything else. I had to read through this verse multiple times to really grasp it. SHALL I ONLY ACCEPT GOOD was basically the convicting thought to me. Who am I to think I deserve only good things in life? Am I so American-ized to believe that I should have a life of no pain, everything at my command, etc? God has been so gracious to me these 25 years - I've never dealt with a serious illness, lost only a few relatives, lived in nice houses, always had food, clothing, cars, etc. And it's never been a thought to worry about things like water, warm beds and work. They are constant in my life.

The speaker this weekend spoke several times about "storms" in our life and I felt like every night he was staring at me - and I know the Lord had a plan for me to be there and for him to bring those messages. PRAISE GOD. I can't put into words how I'm feeling today but if I tried...
~~I'm elated that I have a God who allows things in my life, because he's caring for me enough to walk through them with me.
~~I'm challenged to accept the bad, which causes a deeper sense of peace for some reason.
~~I want to cry and thank Jesus for what he gave us - life, at his expense!

Since our miscarriage, I've had at least 10 friends get pregnant. Each time I have to sit back, take a deep breath...and just let God take over, otherwise this unexplainable pain takes its toll on my heart. I feel like I can't breath or blink, it's weird. Even though I am truly happy for my friends - PRAISE THE LORD this weekend I jumped a metaphoric hurdle, by hearing someone announce a pregnancy and my very first thought was, "Oh Lord, how excellent is your name". WOAH - where did that come from? All this to say, God is so good to me - he has healed a broken heart like mine...and continues everyday doing so.

I've been having all kinds of weird dreams lately - involving pregnancy. I had three this weekend. Oh how my heart yearns for a family of my own... each time I see mothers with their children I picture myself and dream a little. We'll find out in a few days if we have another one on the way and my heart is in perfect rest knowing that no matter what I'm being held in the palm of my saviors hand, and nothing can take me out!

Classic love...

Happy Valentines day world!
Lastnight on the way home from work I felt like I weighed nine thousand pounds...and all the weight was in my eyelids (weird word picture, but work with me). Exhausted. And the thing is I really haven't had a draining week. All the same I was drained and just felt like a slug.

In comes my super hero Bradley (trumpets please), "I'll make dinner" he says as we are crawling through walmart trying to decide what would be the quickest and easiest. Boxed Mac and cheese and chicken strips it is! So, we get home where I retire to the couch dressed in Brad's huge sweatpants and sweatshirt ( my favorite over-tired outfit) and flip through the pages of my newest magazine. I doze off and on, it's wonderful just to sit back and relax, I feel like a queen. Bradley is in the kitchen singing his opera-style songs as loud as he can, practically dancing with the mixing spoon...and I just can't help but feel like the luckiest woman alive. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally - through my draggy days, even. He serves me willingly and glady (obvious by the singing), and because he loves the Lord... it's even better. :)

We decided not to do any kind of V-day gifts this year. Sometimes I feel like we give just out of habit - and we don't want to be like that. I made him a home made card, and we will have a nice dinner OUT this evening followed by a concert. Happy Valentines' day us! I think, the older I get and the longer I'm married... I see that VAlentines day isn't only one day - in a marriage it's constant. Maybe not with the roses, candies, stuffed things, etc. But with the attitude and motivation to serve and love each other. And...I'm looking forward to the future and I'm challenged by how much MORE I could love.

This month, Bradley and I are trying for a family again - he's amazing at being sensitive to me. He's just amazing, anway. And if the Lord never blesses us with children... I'm already blessed with being married to the most amazing man God could have even given me.

Tuesday is for thinking

I'm sitting at my desk waiting for someone to close this place so I can go home...
I'm going through caffeine withdrawal (not a pretty thing), bored out of my mind and just wanting to be home.

It's almost Valentines day - Brad and I are going to a concert here on campus for a group called "Shane and Shane" and I don't feel that excited yet. What ever happened to Valentines day? or is the question more..."what ever happened to what I thought of Valentines day?". When I was a little girl I remember dad coming home with beautiful red roses for mom and pretty pink carnations for me. It was such an exciting day and so thrilling! Not that Brad isn't amazing at those kinds of things...but, still.

blah. February...snow...blah.

Fear

I've been thinking a lot about the verses in scripture that talk about the peace that comes to those who love the Lord and have a relationship with Him. Yesterday I spent the day attempting to stay meditated on "He will keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on thee"... and wouldn't you know - the temptation to fret and worry and be anxious starting attacking me even stronger then when I was just "doing it on my own". On the way home from work lastnight I cried for first time in a while...about my baby. Only this time they were new tears. I've been battling this paralyzing fear of losing another child and last night it came to a head. It's a real, gripping, scary feeling to live like that. It seemed like no matter how hard I thought about the "Truth" the pain and, flashbacks, if you will, came back and pushed their way into my reality. I visualized the dull colored walls of the hospital, the empty painful feeling in my stomach and the days and days of crying on the couch with empty arms and womb.

In all of my 25 years I've never had to fight such a temptation to be swallowed by fear. Lastnight, bent over my dryer, I poured my heart out to the Lord. I read through more scripture to put it in my mind...like I was going into battle...and in a way I am. I keep telling myself that just because I've lost one baby doesn't mean I'll lose them all. I keep telling myself that God is JUST and gives us what we NEED, but also knows our DESIRES and can bless us with them. My walk with the Lord is so vital right now, and it always has been, but I just can't fathom doing this without a relationship with my creator. Brad can only say and do so much, and other people just say the wrong thing or worse...ignore me because they don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm dependent on my God and its just so sad that it takes this kind of thing to really draw that to my attention.

Next week Brad and I are free to start over. Thus, the fear...
Lord God, creator of Heaven and Earth, powerful healer, gracious friend - Hear my request.