Last night our Netflix came... it was "The Other Boelyn Girl" starring Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen. It was the story of what happend to Queen Ann...basically, and how the Boelyn family was all but ruined due to a horrible uncle and a sister that went off the deep end. I had wanted to see it because I'm a history lover -and finding out about how Queen Elizabeth came to be was intriguing.
However, I wasn't as studied up on the historical part, and not prepared for a few things:
1) How many stillbirths and miscarriages the queens/mistresses had
2) The fairly vivid love scenes in a pg-13 movie
The movie begins with the Queen giving birth...and the child is born a boy, but dead. So they wrap it in a blanket and take it away. The queen is devastated, obviously. Then as the movie goes on... Scarlett begins to miscarry and is put on bedrest - her baby survives. Then Natalie's character miscarries...Needless to say I just don't think I was ready to see that. It wasn't vivid and it never showed any infant bodies - only bloody blankets to give you the idea of what was happening. As I'm sitting on the couch with my hubby watching this heartache... I just about lost it. It probably wasn't the best idea for me to see those images... seeing how I just lost my own precious baby 6 months ago. I shook it off - it is hollywood, I told myself.
Then bedtime came... and it was like as soon as I fell asleep the awful dreams came. It wasn't anything like the movie though - it was like reliving my miscarriage in December. I woke up at 4am and immediately put my hand on my stomach... and in my half alert mind thought "oh no, I don't feel pregnant". So I took a walk around the house - got some water - bathroom break... calmed down and focused my thoughts on true things. Upon waking up again at 6:30 - I still felt weird. Dreams can mess with people. It's more difficult to trust... after losing one. Or maybe it's always difficult and I'm just making it moreso. So, today, I am having trouble keeping out the bad thoughts - and I'm having a hard time because I don't show a ton yet... and I want to, as if showing makes keeping this one more official. Mind games.
We see the Dr on Tuesday for our monthly exam. I am just dying for that doppler to sing the sweet tunes of my little ones' heartbeat. That always puts my faith back in place. All i know is - this child is so very special to me... and I can't wait to be more pregnant and enjoy this time. I want to enjoy the swollen feet, the achy back, the being kicked. I want to wear the clothes and have rough nights sleep... I want to fully live this pregnancy.
Here's a pic of what little Pausley might like this week - It's amazing how formed they are at 14 weeks! P.S....if everything goes as planned - we might find out the gender NEXT month! Any input on that?