Do you ever find yourself asking questions like the above mentioned? Funny (and yet not) how our timing is not at all the same as what God's is. His timing is perfect, we've heard it said time and again... but, if it's so perfect... why don't we always feel so peaceful while waiting? I know its the human condition...but asking it outloud helps me redirect me thoughts.
June 26 - I have exactly one month until I am done with my job. Praise the Lord! I am so eager to spend my days fixing up my apartment and getting things done that have been put on the back burner since our marriage began. But in the back of my mind, hidden behind the excitement of a changed pace... lurks a half fear of the unknown. It's almost July, which means its almost August and we still don't know where we are going next. While friends around us gleefully announce their upcoming plans, house purchases, church acceptances... we smile and wait. I've always felt that God has mighty big plans for us Pausleys, but now as we wait and wait with no answers - asking every day - I have to admit that at times our strong faith starts to waver a bit. The other day I caught myself getting teary eyed and stressed wondering what we would do for insurance come August when Brad's job ends... then I felt ashamed of myself. Why can't I just trust - we know the promises that God has given us. But do we have the garantee of Insurance? Is that a need?
Last night at youth group Jax talked about what it means to be "blessed". We looked at Psalm 16 and a few others that speak of it... and I had such a hard time paying attention. the whole time in my mind I kept acknowledging that yes we are blessed, moreso then some I imagine. But then in the next second I was back to that half worry feeling of, "but what if"... People keep saying things to us that inpsire my fear, I think. One woman says to us every time she sees us - "anything come up yet? You know you guys need to get insurance for that baby..." as if we didn't know this, and her reminder was a newsflash for us. "oh really?" I almost want to say. It's starting to wear on Brad when friends and family ask if we have any plans yet... he feels like a failure even though it's not him, and he's letting no one down. I wish I could instill that in him. I wish I could make somethign happen so that when he comes back this weekend - like magic- an email would be a waiting or he'd get a positive phone call from the church of our dreams. (is there such a thing?)
The most human part of me, which i guess is all of me, just wants to sit in a corner and cry. Cry because I know I have no control over this...so what else is there for me to do? Yes there is prayer and there is hope, but honestly, don't we all sometimes wonder if our prayer requests are on hold because its not 'our turn' or something? So, we wait. We wait and hope and pray that the Lord would provide for us - and he will - despite our lack of faith at time... it may not be our timing and the next few months may be really really hard... but we won't be left forgotten.
The irony of this whole thing - the other day I was speaking with an older woman in the church, somone who has raised 5 children and spent time on a mission field. We were talking about the economy and how raising kids has changed, etc. She told me how sometimes while raising her kids she would have to use dresser drawers as baby beds - and the kids ate whatever the Lord provided. In my cloudy view of life... I smiled and said, "I hope to appreciate life that way that when hard times come I can be creative, etc"....and she looked right into my eyes and said "oh don't worry... the Lord will take care of that". Irony because... well, because maybe my view of life is a little cushioned right now. Jehovah Jireh - our provider... please provide direction, and sanity in our lives right now. WE WILL TruST YOU