Monday, June 16, 2008

Back to Monday and random thoughts

I used to love Mondays, especially as a preschool teacher. Everyone came to school bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for a fun week. I loved Monday's because I felt fresh and it was always my chance to start over from whatever happened in the week before... even if it was a fab week.
But now Monday's aren't as glamorous and they for sure don't inspire me to "start over". When did this change take place?? Maybe it's because my "done date" is in sight... 5 weeks. Maybe its because I don't have half of my computer folders to be effective... or maybe it's because I'm just burnt out on sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Ding, ding ding! So, here I sit, trudging throughout this day - dying for 5:00 to come. I try not to complain and i do try to not have these thoughts - because it is money and insurance... that should be a good motivator.

I think another issue for me (besides feeling exhausted from this pregnancy) is that i feel like I'm not able to be a good wife and home maker. I've heard women talk about this and before I was married I always thought to myself "good grief, what is the issue... go home and mop your floor and be done with it". But now that I'm married, working the 40 hour a week job on top of church stuff, etc... I see the issue. AND I DON'T HAVE KIDS YET. It's literally all I can do to slug up my stairs and blindly pull out something for dinner (usually something pasta) after a work day. I used to be so good at this - I planned my menu months in advance so I knew exactly what ingredients I needed for each meal. I would neatly line them on my counter so that when I got home I could put together our evening meal... then I got a crock pot, which was even cooler - now I could mix it all up and upon arriving home - tada! Dinner! Now, like I said... Pasta Roni has moved in or his cousin Hamburger Helper. I vowed I would never be like this... what's the deal?! Not that these are bad things, reader. Don't be offended by this - this is a personal conviction - thus the reason I am done with my job in 5 weeks. I personally feel that if I can't keep my home clean, dishes done, dinner on the table for my spouse... then I'm not living up to my high calling. I honestly feel like I'm serving two masters - which is weird and over the top...but still, I do.

Every woman has a dream. Here's mine. I wake up with my spouse during the weekday... but I wake up with him so I can put his coffee on and iron the clothes he has laid out. Once I get his breakfast made it's time to pack his lunch and gather his car keys and misc items he's strewn about the house. After he leaves I take an hour to watch my breakfast hour news (Today show) and have some quiet time in my bible with breakfast - not at the same time. Then I go to work on my organized "to do" for the day... organize a closet, arrange the bookshelves, mop the bathroom, laundry, change bed sheets... etc. Pause for lunch and a phone call with hubby. Maybe sneak in a quick nap. After that i finish whatever else needs done house wise...then I begin prep for dinner. Spouse comes home to find dinner table set with me in my apron ready to serve him with a "how was your day?"... We have a nice dinner full of conversation, he's calm because the house is clean and he can actually get down the hall to use the bathroom. After dinner we can actually hang out or have reading time because the concerns of day to day have been taken care of. i would have already mailed any bills that needed paid, etc. He can be free to lead us and love me. That's my dream - however June Cleaver-ish it is... i's mine. And I don't think I'm alone. Sometimes while I'm at work I feel like an alien... WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! I don't even belong. It's like my heart yearns for home.

And, it's only been 13 minutes since I started to write this. Irony. Back to work... back to that feeling of being inadequate... but, oh, the Lord knows this.

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