Let's be honest...

Lastnight we had a service to celebrate our THIRD church plants beginning. Greg and Laura Pollak and their 5 children have been called to the Altoona, Iowa, area to start a church. I could hardly contain myself {and my tears} through the service. At first I wanted to blame my hormones, it's an easy out, but... as the service went on I realized that it really was my heart being tenderized, convicted and motivated all at once. I was challenged by a few things but the overwhelming thought was about Laura, the wife.

It's no surprise that I struggle with "sharing" my pastor hubby sometimes. Even in the most important, God-given, clearly directed moments... my selfishness can take over. "What do you mean you need to pick up "so and so"? Doesn't he have a dad?!" Yup, ugly. Let's be honest - I think we all can struggle in this area as wives and moms. Or...just women in general. OUR time is OUR time. Rabbit trail... anyway, back to Laura. I just sat there and watched her and listened to account after account of how God had been using her husband to lead people to Christ, lead a church, impact generations... and it hit me. DUH - OBVIOUSLY God can use a man whose wife is behind him, supporting him, loving him... and letting him go. And I know from personal experience its not always easy - but, it's vital. And, it's part of my calling, too.

Lately I've been bearing this burden of feeling guilty. And I know thats a loaded statement - some of you may be screaming at the screen..."Guilt is all in your head", while others, "life isn't based on how we feeeeel", yep - I got it. And I know that. All the same... my heart has been heavy and I've been physically exhausted. Whiny. Complaining. Needy. You name it, I've been it. And I guess I always just assume my husband doesn't mind my constant string of annoying texts telling him how exhausted I am, how naughty our daughter is, or how much I hate Weight Watchers. {that is another story altogether}
But the other day he said something about, "yea, I could tell you were having a hard day from all those texts", GASP. It wasn't said in sarcasm or in a hurtful way - just chit chat, and it hit my heart (as it should have). I went back through and read my texts and seriously... if he was texting me that often and that whine-a-ly I think I would have turned my phone off. But he never does.

Long story short. This all came to head for me lastnight sitting in the service, watching this beautiful family surrender to the Lords work. Tears. Lots of hot tears. And I think, "why Lord, did you chose me? how am I any good? why can't I just get a grip on my selfish heart? and why can't my intentions be REALITY in my life?" It all boils down to surrender. Surrendering my "feelings" to truth, surrendering my exhaustion to the power of God in me, surrending my agenda for the Lords.

And while I don't exactly have a "set in stone" application for all of this ramble of thoughts, I do praise the Lord for working on my tender heart. I'm thankful for the reminder of how PRECIOUS and POWERFUL the role of a wife is in the husbands life. And I'm challenged to buck up and get on with it. We ended the service by singing a song with these words in the bridge...

"You're all to us.

You're all to us.

You're all to us.

Yes you are."

I evaluated my life. How I live. How I text. Do I live in a way that SCREAMS, "Jesus you are all to me"? Let's be honest... it's hard. But its so worth it. And I crave that. It dawned on me that I keep yearning to be USED, to be a part of the bigger story... and here I was. I AM part of that story, and I'm just wasting pages with whine. Thank you Lord for the gentle reminder. Thank you Lord for using Laura Pollak as an example in my life.