Sunday, April 6, 2014

High Heels

She's been asking for months. "High heels, Mommy". "I want some high heels like you". And I almost laugh because at 32 weeks pregnant I know she hasn't seen mom in the really high heels in awhile. But it doesn't matter - mom's and high heels, sometimes they just go together in a little girls brain. So every time we go to Walmart she finds the pair of white little girls heels, tries them on, and spins in the mirror to admire her grown up self. And every time I have to bite my lower lip to keep from falling apart.

When did the calendar page flip and my baby is going on 5 1/2 and wanting to wear heels? And how do I stop this speeding train called time? And why are the days so difficult sometimes and we butt heads and argue, but then in those moments she's precious all over again? This mother/daughter relationship thing is weird and I fear I'll never understand it all. And why when I fail day after day with raised voice, short temper and sharp words does she still want to be like me with heels on?

Don't mind the mini wearing no clothes. She admires her sis and wants to be in every picture.

All I can do is throw my hands up and beg for wisdom in leading her and loving her. But the heels... that seems easy. So when we found a swap site selling a whole bag of consigned shoes in her size - and one pair were heels in a lovely neon orange color, it was a double blessing. And she wears them daily now. This girl in her orange heels, prancing through my yard with her long girl legs and braids down either side of her face. She spins and twirls and watches her feet and often reminds me (and everyone else)... "I have high heels like my mom". And my lip is bitten over and over to keep it together. I watch her and I just can't believe she's mine and we've made it this far. She's amazing in so many ways - do I really notice every day how incredible she is?

No one tells you about these moments. The strange moments where your heart feels like its ripping down the middle - 50% joy in the moment watching your child grow, 50% heartbreak as you realize how time has passed. That's where I am tonight, right in the middle, and thankful for every second. These heels and these blessings... little reminders of my Great God.

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