Waiting on the Lord

So, if you are a man... maybe, don't read this blog entry. If you are a woman, a sympathetic woman - read on.

I'm 4 days late. I'm two negative pregnancy tests late. Obviously, after being one day late I was elated thinking that the Lord had blessed us with another child... just as I had been praying. So I suited up and headed to my local Rite Aid and purchased the infamous pink box... let the testing begin. Now, four days later...and two "no go" tests, I'm confused and wondering what's going on. I called my OB nurse who helped me through my miscarriage in November and she was not that helpful. Told me not to be worried until you have three consecutive months of missed cycles. THREE MONTHS!!! I've never been a day past normal in my life...

Is there such a thing as delayed ovulation? Because, I'm pretty sure that happend to me this month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated like 4 days before I was supposed to start my period. Which, again, not normal for me - and has never happened before. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??! If I had delayed ovulation...it could take another 2 weeks before either a period or positive test could turn out. TWO WEEKS!!!! That would put me in the day 45ish zone.... I've never been like that. Hmmm... this truly is the curse at its finest.

I'm working on memorizing Matthew 7. The chapter that discussed our needs... and how God will meet them.... our NEEDS. Is being pregnant and having a family a need? Because for my entire life I have been convinced that it is... I need to serve the Lord with a family. I need to give my husband children and carry on his name... I need to fulfill the role that women were intended for. Maybe someday I'll look back at all of this and get a good laugh at myself. But for now... I'm just waiting on the Lord and his timing - because it is perfect, and he IS GOOD.

And this.... is a dream.... a dream that I just can't shake. Something I desire so much that sometimes I can almost feel it.

My most precious gift

August 13th, 2005 was a special day in my life. It's the day I became Mrs. Brad Pausley. I'll never forget the days events... putting on my dress, praying with my dad, walking down the aisle and seeing my handsome husband to be. I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he said his vows to me or how he held my hand so tightly while he sang.

Now it's April 2, 2008. Almost three years since the Lord gave this precious man to me temporarily. We've gotten beyond the mushy first few months/years, while still wildly in love. And, just the other day I noticed how our love has molded into a new creation. We are no longer falling all over ourselves each time we touch or make eye contact... but instead, it's a deeper connection. This is my husband, my partner, my very best and real friend. We talk about life, we live together. We've gone through 3 moves and preparing for a 4th. We've finished school together, bought cars together, paid bills, watched younger siblings get married. But we've also weathered some hard times... we lost our first child...together. We've experienced the deep hurt of man's sinful rejection...together.

I watch him preach, I watch him work, I watch him live. He's the man of my dreams day after day. And while neither of us are perfect... we have a comfortable romance. I yearn for our future together... where will we go, together? What will we do, together? Who will be meet and minister to, together? Bradley truly is my most precious gift!

She's here...

Is it possible to fall this deep in love with someone? Someone I've never even met yet - someone that isn't even mine?

World, let me introduce you to Kaci Elizabeth - my beautiful brand new niece. She was born on Easter Sunday in Japan. Weighing in at 7lbs, she's perfect! This is my brothers baby girl - and I just can't believe she's actually here. I can't believe that my baby brother has a baby. This life just presents so many suprises.

Ashley & Josh are going to make wonderful parents. My only regret about this whole situation is that I won't see them for months... and that breaks my heart. Why is this world SO big!? I hate being so far from the ones I love.








My heart is broken for my mom and dad who are so far from their first and only grandchild...





I wonder if she knows how loved she is? This little girl brings so much joy to our family.


What a perfect miracle it is to see new life like Kaci. God has used her to restore hope to my heart - and he's using her to remind me again - to slow down and wait on Him.

"How long O Lord".

i love being an aunt

Even though we live miles and miles apart... i love these little girls.

Abby Jo and Gracie are my dear sweet nieces who live in Iowa. It seems like everytime a picture is sent out they are years older...

i love them. they make me want sweet babies of my own to cuddle and love and raise... :)

...it's all setting in now...

I went to bed last night feeling frustrated. I tossed and turned and tried to find the "just right" position for sleeping, only to roll over a million times, sigh loudly, and roll the opposite way all over again. My mind was spinning in twenty different directions and I just felt ill. I'm frustrated about this whole experience with the Ohio church. I'm mad at the Pastor for being so emotional and unbiblical. I'm angry about the fact that there is no accountability at that place... I'm ticked at how sad my husband was... and sometimes still is. How could this have happened? I still can't believe it. I guess it's all just setting in now.

This morning I checked the churches website one more time... hoping to catch a glimpse at who the #2 choice was. And, sure enough, there was a name with an email link. They've hired him. I wonder if he knows he was #2. I wonder if Kevin has been transparent and honest with him about what happened to my husband. And I'm assuming that answer to all of my questions is no, based on what I've learned of them over the last month.

It's so easy to KNOW that God has saved/spared us. It's so easy to KNOW that he has a plan for us. It's even easier to say that we are PATIENTLY WAITING. But the truth is... I hate it. I hate doing this all over again with churches so far away from family... I hate the hunt that it's turned into. I despise how nervous Brad gets with each interview... and how deep inside he'll always have this scar tissue of a careless pastor in Ohio telling him he wasn't enough.

God, you know my heart... how sinful it is. How I hold on to hurts. God, you know our needs and more importantly our desires... (sometimes). Is there a way we could serve you, and have the benefit of being near to the ones we love?

Where oh where will HE send?

Some days I wake up and I feel like I'm king of the world... that I could do anything and go anywhere and be totally happy. Some days its just the opposite. I drag myself out of the bed and dread the future... I dread the unknown and really wonder what will I "end up" as. Funny how there's no in-between for those mindsets, at least not for me.

Bradley and I are 5 months from being done with our time here. His contract will end and I will be done with my life as Secretary Mandi. Waiting for the Lord is never easy - and we know that - but it seems to me that this kind of waiting is even more harder. :) We are letting Brad's contract end on FAITH that God will provide the next step for us. We are willingly letting go of two full time paid jobs... in order to seek what the Lord wills for us. We feel so called to serve in a local church and now its just a matter of waiting for the compass to spin and land in a direction.

Being that Brad and I are so very different... you can imagine how some of our conversations go. He would love the big city, bright lights, multi-everything kind of congregation... the BIG church right downtown would be his dream. I can't help but giggle when I think of my ultra-mid-west hubby in a downtown church position. The truth is... he'd be just fine, but I still giggle. :)

I, on the other hand, dream of the church closer to family. The smaller more intimate congregation where you are truly invested in EVERYONE's life. I want to be in the mom's morning group and know everyone by name... I dream of potlucks and Church picnics. (sigh) Thankfully God sees the desires of both our hearts and still knows exactly what we need.

I was googling for some pictures of churches today... church buildings are some of the prettiest structures. This is what I imagine...

Brad would be here - only, picture this HUGE building in the middle of Chicago or NYC.

And I would be.... here, and loving it. The trees, nature, no street lights...

Thankfully the Lord already has our plans all figured out. Now the test is to see how patiently we wait and how earnestly we seek Him.

For the Beauty of the Earth

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is FULL of His Glory!" Isaiah 6:3

One of my favorite songs of all times... "For the Beauty of the Earth" was on my mind today. Not because PA is looking especially handsome this time of year - quite the opposite with its dead brown branches littering the road, black snow crusted on phone poles, etc. But, though all of the ordeals of my life right now I still maintain this strange peace when I see things like a sunset, fresh snow or even a new leaf budding on my bushes out front. The whole earth is full of the GLORY of God. Be encouraged today by the words of this fantastic hymn by Folliot S. Pierpoint. I hope to meet this man in heaven someday... as he should know how many times this song has brought joy to my gloomy days and given me hope to remember what's yet to come!

For the Beauty of the Earth

For the glory of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies.

Lord all , to Thee we raise,

This our hymn of grateful praise.

For the beauty of each hour,

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and Vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and Moon, and stars of light.

LORD OF ALL, TO THEE WE RAISE, THIS OUR HYMN OF GRATEFUL PRAISE.

For the joy of ear and eye,

For the Heart and mind's delight,
For the mystic harmony
Linking sense to sound and sight.

Lord of all, to Thee we raise

This our hymn of grateful praise.

And there's so many more verses to the song...but I'll end with this one...

For each perfect gift of Thine,

To our race so freely given,

Graces human and divine,

Flowers of earth and buds of Heaven...

Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise.

words by: Folliot S. Pierpoint