Oh me Oh my...

It's another hum-de-dum day here in PA. Work hasn't been as oppresively busy as normal, so I'm excited to grab 5 minutes here to jot some thoughts. Fall is indeed right upon us! The leaves have started to turn and the grass is frosty when I go outside in the morning. What a neat thing it is to actually see something change. :)

Bradley is gone on one of his admissions trips -which are increasingly harder for me to bear, Lord give me strength! He'll be back in 8 days... which feel like an eternity because I miss him.

With the fall comes a ton of busy-ness for my life - I am now a focus group leader @ HBC, and i love it! I have some fantastic girls in my group...and I'm eager to see how we all grow in the next few weeks, months... Tonight we will be deciding what our first group activity will be and I'm just so excited for that. I love youth activities - I remember how fun they were as a teen, and I feel spoiled that I'll get to do them again (only with a little more wisdom, I hope). My husband loves working with the youth as well, I've attached a pic of he and his buddy, Matt, the Jr. high intern. They have such a great time together- which almost makes it even more great for me, to see Brad's joy. :) One of those blessings of marriage I suppose.

Thinking back...

Nostalgia... It comes and goes for some people, that sense you get when you see an old toy that you played with as a child or when grandpa tells a story about the "good old days". Well, I am nostalgic all the time, I've decided. Lastnight we had a fabulous time with some friends from our church at a little event called "supper six", where three couples meet together once a month for a shared dinner. Maggie made the meat, I made the veggie salad and Rachel made the beans! We had such a great time eating, laughing, telling stories and watching all the kiddo's have fun. Mallory (3), Billy (1ish) and Aniyah (1ish) were just too adorable, and being with real families for dinner made me feel so completed and fulfilled lastnight.

It made me think back to being at home, with all my family around - cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone just there having a good time, laughing, telling the same stories... everyone just loving each other. Those were good times I'll always carry with me. And, it just added to the enjoyment that there was a REAL original Nintendo present. The boys played a while and then I had a turn with my good old friend Mario Bros'. Ahhh...memories. Even though I died right away (some things never change) it was just so cool to play again, I havent picked up the small controllers probably since I was in single digits....8,9..? It was a great night! I praise the Lord for these people, especially during a time when I've been feeling so down and alone. God does that, he comforts his children...he presents good in their lives. He knows my inward thoughts and feelings and I praise Him for that.

On another note... we were at Camp Bayouca this past weekend, where Brad spoke. While he was out doing his "prep" I had some down time to explore nature (my fave) and let me tell you Nature is just on the verge of exploding into gorgeous colors... enjoy some of the last pics of summer life. I had a blast poking around... and thankfully the camera was somewhat cooperative this time!

In Nature

I've always been a little dramatic, I admit it. And not only do I admit it, I'm convinced that God loves dramatic thinkers. When I was little I loved to play in the dirt and pretend I was a poor beggar because I wanted to "feel" what that was like. Or I'd get my dolls together and pretend I was a mother of 5, lived in a big farm house out on the plains and my husband was a busy farmer/preacher. All that to say, I didn't have "normal" play situations as a little one, and all through high school I kept the dramatic life - writing short stories that swam through my head, attempting art (photography), wanting desperately to fall deep in storybook love....

Well, this past weekend I had another chance in life to feel dramatic and to really just wallow in my imagination - and in the beauty of creation! What a great God. We went camping at Promised Land state park, and it's just perfect! The trees were tall and gorgeous, the air was filled with the smell of rutic campfires and grilled food, the sunrises were amazing... :) I loved it! I always feel that much closer to heaven when I have a few days to just sit and enjoy this world God has given to me.

There was one tree right by our tent, it's roots were crazy. It was a huge tree... and so many of it's roots were grown above ground - it reminded me of the strength of our Lord.

Everytime I passed it I would try to remember to thank the Lord for this life he's given. He IS so good. Beauty... drama... I think God wants us to feel that. I know I feel it, and in nature when I'm alone with just God and his creation I feel it more. It's a perfect thing! Thank you Great God for the beauty of this earth.

La Festa Italiano

Clearly, I'm not Italian - as I probably didn't even spell that correctly. All the same, this past weekend we had our annual trip to the Italian Fest in Scranton. We walked around the same block 5 times, got something new to eat with each round, and said our "hello's" to the miscellaneous BBC people we would see. There was something oddly comfortable about this year. Maybe it's because it was my 7th festival. :) I can't believe I've been here for almost 8 years now...I never would have guessed this. It's truly amazing to look back and remember - not only what God has done, but to remember the fun memories, experiences and associated events. This festival in particular gives me warm memories of piling into cars and coming down with my girlfriends from the dorm. We would have a fabulous time "people watching", we would just laugh and laugh, and laugh more as we watched the "Frank Sinatra" double perform for the masses, never as good as the original - but trying so hard, and so loudly. It also makes me think of all the different phases of people we go through - the true friends, the acquantences, the "obligated to go with" group, etc. It's amazing how life changes, almost cyclic - and I'm sure it's supposed to be like that. This year we went with some cousins, Becki and Adam. I was so thankful to be with family - it's just natural, care free, fun. And even though I don't know them super well (brad's side of fam), just knowing it's family makes it better.

I don't understand

I'm in a funk or should we call it more of a "cloud" or even "out of person". For 2 weeks now I have been overly emotional, weepy, down, sad... you name it. I know why, but I still don't understand. I've been asking the Lord for wisdom, for patience, for strength. I've been asking for comfort, encouragement, joy. Now I'm wondering if I'm asking for the wrong things.

Should I be asking for growth, trials to test my faith, endurance? One of my favorite songs by Shawn McDonald says "It's just like me to be broken before I see" and that's how I feel. Blame it on the change in hormones but I just feel like I'm reaching for something stubbornly and the push back is killing me, but I keep pushing and keep trying and keep... nagging(?). I'm kind of glad that not many people know about this blog because it's almost like a conversation with the Lord - and thankfully, he can interpret my longings and my nonsensical drama. I just need the next few months to be over...but then as soon as I say that I wish I hadn't. Oh well.

My parents came in for a visit the last 4 days and what a blessing it was. It was perfectly timed. It was wonderful to just sit and talk with my mom and cry with her, she's so good at listening and even better at pointing out my over-dramatic-ness. My parents are so awesome - they love to shower us with nice meals, things for the house, attention. I feel so needy for attention lately. Like I can't get enough compliments, assurances more like it. It was so good to hug my dad and to feel small and protected. I miss them. I miss my family every day and I suppose I miss them a little more each time they go away. I got to talk to my brother in Japan yesterday. He and his wife are going to hear their baby's heart beat today. You could hear the excitement in his voice -he's so anxious to be a dad. He's going to be a great one, he was trained by the best. I have to admit that I'm a little jealous...but I trust, or, better said, I'm learning to trust that someday I'll have my turn. And the world keeps turning.

This weekend I'm going to Philly for the youth leaders Re:VAMP retreat. I'm excited to get to know the people I'll be ministering with. Lord, give me wisdom. Then, after Philly its off to the family camp out with the cousins. :) I miss my family.

Good morning, Lord...HELP!

I have made a committment to getting up @ 6am everyday this week to spend time with the Lord in dedicated, quiet, undisturbed, scripture saturated, prayerful time. So, this morning I woke up with the alarm and I was so excited to begin my day with this new start - so excited what the Word of God would show me today, not that we use it as a crystal ball but it DOES give direction and insight into life. I set myself up on the couch with my bible, my journal and the devotional I'll be doing along with the teens in youth group. I asked the Lord in a whisper to make this time profitable and glorifying to himself... and thus I began my morning journey. It was perfect... the sun was rising, I was reading through Genesis 1 about creation, the power of God, God's purpose - just one of those mornings where it ALL made sense, where you feel like you are getting extra special revelation... I gleefully threaded down verse after verse anxious to read, even though I've read Gen.1 probably a million, ga-zillion times. I rejoiced as I read each time that God thought "it was good". As I went through the devotional, learning about God's general revelation to us - I just felt so empowered. Thank you for Lord, I thought out-loud, for giving me chance after chance to come back to you, to start up again. It's been so long since I've had any kind of consistency, I hung my head in shame, but then was reminded of God's forgiveness, his mercy, compassion... Thank you Lord, for loving me - your image... only rather flawed at times I'm afraid. Well, really flawed, all the time actually. I ended this perfect time in prayer thanking God for Genesis 1 and his creation, my dear bible study ladies...and then, I prayed for Brad. I prayed very specifically this morning, very strongly and with great expectation for what God WILL do with him. As I was finishing my prayer, my knight in shining armor was finishing up his shower time - I heard him rustling around in the bathroom getting ready for work, I smiled as I thought about how much more hair spray he uses then I. How he likes to look nice, and how I appreciate that about him. (he's no scrub!)

Amen, prayer done - time to finish getting ready myself. About this time... WHAT HAPPENED?... Lord, why is it that when I make an effort to spend extra time in the word, extra time in your loving arms...that this world and it's circumstances bring me down?! That knight I spoke about... well, he couldn't find his belt. The one he wears daily, that shouldn't be missing. It became a predicament that shook the entire Pausley world. I tried to help with a good attitude, I tried to be patient and understanding of how I would feel... but it just GOT TO ME! He was so grumpy about it, so snippy with me as if it were MY fault. Here I was 2 mins. prior pouring out my guts to our GOD for him, on his behalf - and now I'm getting the brunt of his grouchiness about a missing article of clothing. And, I failed, as I do often. I let my tongue get the best of me lecturing this grown man about "setting out his clothes the night before", "I'm not your mother", even, "why should I pray for you when you act like this?"... (sigh)...that's when it hurts. When you realize that your tongue has had power over you again. When you provoke someone's frustrations when you could have ended it with one encouraging, patient word. I could easily blame this on Bradley- for spoiling my peaceful morning. I could easily pin the blame on that stupid belt that I know was watching us look for it. I could even say "I got up early, so I was a little more tired today". But the truth is... I failed and the rest of the truth is that God is still holy and is still on throne and is still forgiving. I had such a hard time this morning with forgiving and letting go of this incident... until it dawned on me, 'idiot- you are doing the same thing now" to the Lord, with my attitudes, grumbling and ill thoughts. So, as I do with everything I'm waiting to see how God will use this day in my life. What will the big picture hold, and how does today mold me or prepare me? Good morning, Lord, thank you for your forgiveness and the way you put tangible situations into my life to show me more of you!

My favorite things...

Ahhhh... lastnight Brad and I went on a spontaneous shopping trip. I walked the aisles of Michaels while he went down the street to target... after being married 2 years, it's ok to not always be together, I guess. Maybe a little weird...but ok. Anyway, we are just a few short weeks away from my FAVORITE time of the year - Fall/Harvest! It's always been my favorite. I remember as a little girl loving the leaves, living in them until the first snow came. I love how the sun sets just so, I love how the air is really crisp in the morning and warms by days end, I love the colors - browns, reds, yellows, oranges... I LOVE the foods - cider doughnuts, pumpkin pie and warm apple cider. I love how orchards and farms open up for hay rides, apple picking and most of all...the pumpkin patches! I always feel more alive during Fall, my senses feel more awake, and my heart feels more grateful then any other time of the year. Maybe someone can relate. I even love that football season begins! Go bucks! Anyway, Michaels had all of their fall decor out and it was wonderful. I bought some things to make a nice fall wreath for our door - something I would like to be more of, a creative wife. I feel like it's a service to Brad if I can be creative and make our home look nice. :) And, I'm pretty sure I've heard that taught in one of those women's classes at BBC. So - I'm endeavoring! And, just to keep me in this festive spirit of what's to come - I bought a fall scented candle with a wax melter to keep in my office. It's the joy of my days right now. :) Thank you Lord, for this upcoming season... thank you for the beauty that is in it - for the way you make me feel during that time!