Friday, August 31, 2007

I don't understand

I'm in a funk or should we call it more of a "cloud" or even "out of person". For 2 weeks now I have been overly emotional, weepy, down, sad... you name it. I know why, but I still don't understand. I've been asking the Lord for wisdom, for patience, for strength. I've been asking for comfort, encouragement, joy. Now I'm wondering if I'm asking for the wrong things.

Should I be asking for growth, trials to test my faith, endurance? One of my favorite songs by Shawn McDonald says "It's just like me to be broken before I see" and that's how I feel. Blame it on the change in hormones but I just feel like I'm reaching for something stubbornly and the push back is killing me, but I keep pushing and keep trying and keep... nagging(?). I'm kind of glad that not many people know about this blog because it's almost like a conversation with the Lord - and thankfully, he can interpret my longings and my nonsensical drama. I just need the next few months to be over...but then as soon as I say that I wish I hadn't. Oh well.

My parents came in for a visit the last 4 days and what a blessing it was. It was perfectly timed. It was wonderful to just sit and talk with my mom and cry with her, she's so good at listening and even better at pointing out my over-dramatic-ness. My parents are so awesome - they love to shower us with nice meals, things for the house, attention. I feel so needy for attention lately. Like I can't get enough compliments, assurances more like it. It was so good to hug my dad and to feel small and protected. I miss them. I miss my family every day and I suppose I miss them a little more each time they go away. I got to talk to my brother in Japan yesterday. He and his wife are going to hear their baby's heart beat today. You could hear the excitement in his voice -he's so anxious to be a dad. He's going to be a great one, he was trained by the best. I have to admit that I'm a little jealous...but I trust, or, better said, I'm learning to trust that someday I'll have my turn. And the world keeps turning.

This weekend I'm going to Philly for the youth leaders Re:VAMP retreat. I'm excited to get to know the people I'll be ministering with. Lord, give me wisdom. Then, after Philly its off to the family camp out with the cousins. :) I miss my family.

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