A movie to NOT watch during pregnancy

Last night our Netflix came... it was "The Other Boelyn Girl" starring Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen. It was the story of what happend to Queen Ann...basically, and how the Boelyn family was all but ruined due to a horrible uncle and a sister that went off the deep end. I had wanted to see it because I'm a history lover -and finding out about how Queen Elizabeth came to be was intriguing.

However, I wasn't as studied up on the historical part, and not prepared for a few things:
1) How many stillbirths and miscarriages the queens/mistresses had
2) The fairly vivid love scenes in a pg-13 movie


The movie begins with the Queen giving birth...and the child is born a boy, but dead. So they wrap it in a blanket and take it away. The queen is devastated, obviously. Then as the movie goes on... Scarlett begins to miscarry and is put on bedrest - her baby survives. Then Natalie's character miscarries...Needless to say I just don't think I was ready to see that. It wasn't vivid and it never showed any infant bodies - only bloody blankets to give you the idea of what was happening. As I'm sitting on the couch with my hubby watching this heartache... I just about lost it. It probably wasn't the best idea for me to see those images... seeing how I just lost my own precious baby 6 months ago. I shook it off - it is hollywood, I told myself.





Then bedtime came... and it was like as soon as I fell asleep the awful dreams came. It wasn't anything like the movie though - it was like reliving my miscarriage in December. I woke up at 4am and immediately put my hand on my stomach... and in my half alert mind thought "oh no, I don't feel pregnant". So I took a walk around the house - got some water - bathroom break... calmed down and focused my thoughts on true things. Upon waking up again at 6:30 - I still felt weird. Dreams can mess with people. It's more difficult to trust... after losing one. Or maybe it's always difficult and I'm just making it moreso. So, today, I am having trouble keeping out the bad thoughts - and I'm having a hard time because I don't show a ton yet... and I want to, as if showing makes keeping this one more official. Mind games.





We see the Dr on Tuesday for our monthly exam. I am just dying for that doppler to sing the sweet tunes of my little ones' heartbeat. That always puts my faith back in place. All i know is - this child is so very special to me... and I can't wait to be more pregnant and enjoy this time. I want to enjoy the swollen feet, the achy back, the being kicked. I want to wear the clothes and have rough nights sleep... I want to fully live this pregnancy.


Here's a pic of what little Pausley might like this week - It's amazing how formed they are at 14 weeks! P.S....if everything goes as planned - we might find out the gender NEXT month! Any input on that?

Back to Monday and random thoughts

I used to love Mondays, especially as a preschool teacher. Everyone came to school bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for a fun week. I loved Monday's because I felt fresh and it was always my chance to start over from whatever happened in the week before... even if it was a fab week.
But now Monday's aren't as glamorous and they for sure don't inspire me to "start over". When did this change take place?? Maybe it's because my "done date" is in sight... 5 weeks. Maybe its because I don't have half of my computer folders to be effective... or maybe it's because I'm just burnt out on sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. Ding, ding ding! So, here I sit, trudging throughout this day - dying for 5:00 to come. I try not to complain and i do try to not have these thoughts - because it is money and insurance... that should be a good motivator.

I think another issue for me (besides feeling exhausted from this pregnancy) is that i feel like I'm not able to be a good wife and home maker. I've heard women talk about this and before I was married I always thought to myself "good grief, what is the issue... go home and mop your floor and be done with it". But now that I'm married, working the 40 hour a week job on top of church stuff, etc... I see the issue. AND I DON'T HAVE KIDS YET. It's literally all I can do to slug up my stairs and blindly pull out something for dinner (usually something pasta) after a work day. I used to be so good at this - I planned my menu months in advance so I knew exactly what ingredients I needed for each meal. I would neatly line them on my counter so that when I got home I could put together our evening meal... then I got a crock pot, which was even cooler - now I could mix it all up and upon arriving home - tada! Dinner! Now, like I said... Pasta Roni has moved in or his cousin Hamburger Helper. I vowed I would never be like this... what's the deal?! Not that these are bad things, reader. Don't be offended by this - this is a personal conviction - thus the reason I am done with my job in 5 weeks. I personally feel that if I can't keep my home clean, dishes done, dinner on the table for my spouse... then I'm not living up to my high calling. I honestly feel like I'm serving two masters - which is weird and over the top...but still, I do.

Every woman has a dream. Here's mine. I wake up with my spouse during the weekday... but I wake up with him so I can put his coffee on and iron the clothes he has laid out. Once I get his breakfast made it's time to pack his lunch and gather his car keys and misc items he's strewn about the house. After he leaves I take an hour to watch my breakfast hour news (Today show) and have some quiet time in my bible with breakfast - not at the same time. Then I go to work on my organized "to do" for the day... organize a closet, arrange the bookshelves, mop the bathroom, laundry, change bed sheets... etc. Pause for lunch and a phone call with hubby. Maybe sneak in a quick nap. After that i finish whatever else needs done house wise...then I begin prep for dinner. Spouse comes home to find dinner table set with me in my apron ready to serve him with a "how was your day?"... We have a nice dinner full of conversation, he's calm because the house is clean and he can actually get down the hall to use the bathroom. After dinner we can actually hang out or have reading time because the concerns of day to day have been taken care of. i would have already mailed any bills that needed paid, etc. He can be free to lead us and love me. That's my dream - however June Cleaver-ish it is... i's mine. And I don't think I'm alone. Sometimes while I'm at work I feel like an alien... WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! I don't even belong. It's like my heart yearns for home.

And, it's only been 13 minutes since I started to write this. Irony. Back to work... back to that feeling of being inadequate... but, oh, the Lord knows this.

Friday, June 13...just another day

This morning the news was all abuzz about how today is Friday the 13th.... I guess I hadn't really thought about it. The first thing that comes to my mind is - wonder if anyone is getting married on this day? I wonder if any poor babies will be born that will forever be labeled the "friday the 13th kid". Then my mind wandered to Haiti where my dear parents are. They are flying back today after a week of short term missions with the Boco tribe. I'm so proud of them. Mom had never flown before - age 47- and her first trip was international. I have missed them so much - although I wouldn't have seen them anyway, there is something that feels so safe and good to have them just a phone call away. I'm afraid I've become dependent on them. :) Funny how that happens all over again...

Work has been excruciatingly slow this week! Man, i have left with more then one tension/eye strain headache from starring blankly at anything online that could amuse me. I'm pretty sure I've facebooked my fair share this week. I should be thankful for the slow down...but then again... it's difficult when I just don't want to be here. it's also difficult when i know how much I have to do at home that isn't getting done as i sit at this computer for endless hours with nothing to do. I have 6 weeks left at this job... I can't believe it!

We are waiting on the Lord, still, to give us some direction for the fall. Especially with this baby heading our way at the speed of light. There is a lead and we are really hoping that works out... the waiting is getting harder and harder. Some days I just don't know how to cheer or encourage Brad. He has so much on his sholders. We picked my quit date on faith... trusting that God would provide, so now as that time draws near we are eager to see what He will do. Some days I'm so laid back about this... and I feel so perfectly peaceful knowing that God will take care of us. Some days I'm a basket case inside... will we get a place, will insurance be there in time for our transition, where will we live, will I be someone safe to have this baby? We know that the Lord orders our steps... it's so hard to wait. What a beautiful story of our lives he must be weaving.

I'll start week 14 here in a few days. Things feel different now. I'm not huge - still able to wear normal pants even, but... there are new pains that make me so curious. What's going on in there? At our last ultrasound that saw that my right ovary was tucked behind my uterus - it gives me pains every now and again... I think it's when I have growth spurts...or, baby does ( I should say). Today the pain is bad - and there's nothing I can do -or they can do, they said everything was fine and once I grow up and out the pressure will relieve... but, good grief it hurts. This just feeds my desire to pop out and look pregnant already. I have been aching to actually look pregnant. Lord, please protect my poor squeezed ovary... and please continue to grow this little punkin inside me. I think in about a month we'll be able to find out what we are having. I still thinks its a girl... Brad is convinced its a boy. Since I'm not showing no one else can guess. How exciting.

Hormones

So, I don't know if it's the hormones, the lack of sleep from getting up to pee in the middle of every night or if people are just extra annoying these days...
I am supposing that all of these jumble of emotions is normal - feeling madly in love with my husband one minute and then wanting to smack him and run away a second later. Maybe it's because he doesn't fully understand how I am physically feeling or maybe I don't voice often enough the fear I have inside that I'm working through little by little. Fear that I will lose this baby too... so, little situations keep happening with us. It doesn't help either that I just started reading a book "Confessions of a Honest wife" by Ravi Zaccharias' daughter. She explores what submission really means and what a happy marriage really looks like...and makes me question how I'm living and if I'm doing what I shoud be. I don't know if I recommend it yet, but, so far so good.
Anyway, back to my issue of dealing with annoying people. Another thing that came to mind today... all this pent up fear, frustration and anger could be caused by the fact that I'm not consistent in my relationship with the Lord. Yes, it's constant and not based on what I do... but, I haven't been casting my cares at his feet and I haven't felt like cracking up my nkjv for some daily insight because I feel like a user rather then a pursuer. And, again, I suppose every person goes through this. But, today i'm feeling extra sad - and I feel distant from my hubby. I feel like when he looks at me he sees a green monster with four heads and flaming red eyes... when all I really want and am trying to communicate to him is that I want to be loved, hugged and told that everything will be alright. I want the dishes to be done without me asking because I really don't have the energy after a 9 hour work day to even look at them. Such little petty things.

Right now I'm thinking of the line in "How to lose a guy in 10 days" - "I love you Benny, but I don't have to like you right now..."

At the end of this first adventure...

Today we celebrated the start of week 12, the end of our first trimester. Honestly, it's unbelieveable. As I read through my pregnancy books and I see how my child is forming and growing I just can't believe it's really happening. This week we are working on finger and toenails, kidneys and hair. God is so perfect in forming his creations!

While I know this isn't a picture of OUR baby... it's a picture taken from the week 12 section of my fave pregnancy website. Hopefully in a few more weeks we'll have a picture to hold of our own baby. So far, so good...praise the Lord! Some days I can't help but wonder how long it will be until the bad comes - but then I get convicted and reminded by the Lord to just rest in Him. He is my comfort.

It's been a crazy last few weeks for us - obviously - but beyond our personal lives, we've had tons of activities with our teens, we are in the process STILL of seeking where the Lord might lead post BBC time, etc. I have loved spending time with the youth group kiddo's, and getting to know Meredith and Jason better has been awesome too. Brad and I have found some great friends in the two of them. We will miss them terribly when we no longer live here.

My brother and his wife continue to enjoy their little bundle, Miss Kaci. She's adorable and I miss her - even though we've never met. She's already 3 months old. Ashley does so well with updating us with pics and things... it's great.

Hello little one...

It's that time of the day when the nausea really starts to set in. This is the time of day when I feel the most thankful...because I know these feelings are all helping you grow. I praise the Lord for every moment of it, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
You are 10 weeks old (and 1 day)... I love you so much already. We got to see you in an ultrasound last week - we saw you move your tiny arms and heart your very strong heartbeat. You are a miracle to us...God has remembered! Even if He should chose to take you away to be with him early, just seeing you that one time has changed my life. You are perfectly formed. I will never understand how women justify things like abortion... I watched you move around...you are a life!
I'm anxious to meet you this December - stay snug and cozy in there - grow stronger. We are praying for your bones and kidneys this week as the develop. Your dad thinks you are a boy... wouldn't that be a funny suprise if you weren't. :) I love you little one... hang in there, we are all so eager to hold you.

sometimes i forget to blog

Maybe it's not that I forget...but I get so caught up in "what do I want to say" that I just give up, because could one Blog really hold it all?

Life is weird. Bradley and I have had so many curve balls in the last year...it's like now I have my glove up just waiting for what's next...which isn't to say it's all bad stuff...but, sometimes I long for some normalcy. But then as soon as I say that I know I don't mean it - God is soo good to us, He is so faithful and so real in our lives.

We aren't going to Long Island - as we suspected we might. There was some redirection towards the end... and we just have to trust again that God has a better plan. And, as you can read below, I wasn't devastasted by the news...but did feel so sad for my hubby who is so proactively seeking where the Lord is leading. Even though we aren't going... I still wanted to share a few photos from our road trip there - while I wasn't impressed with much... there is nothing quite like a strong bridge. It represents so many things.

The whole time we were crossing I kept thinking..."what if this bridge fell"... which in turn reminded me of my faith in Christ - weird little minutes of the day where God uses things like bridges in NY to remind me of His power and presence in my life. I'm eternally grateful.

So now we are back to square one... and as the months pass we are asking God to please direct us - Please show us - send us! (dear reader if you know of any openings in churches...let me know)

Other news... in case you haven't already heard - God has blessed us with another pregnancy. I'll be 10 weeks on tuesday and have been as sick as a dog. While I know I'm still early... I can't help but rejoice outloud and with other people about what God has done! He has answered my prayers. And, even if he should choose to take this one away too... I will praise Him! Just feeling sick causes me to rejoice - I didn't have this last time. I love feeling like all of this is going towards something so wonderful. We are due in December and just counting down the days till our 12 week appointment when we can see our little creation. :) I can't help but start to look at baby clothes, toys, etc. again. God is good. He hasn't forgotten me.