I don't understand

I'm in a funk or should we call it more of a "cloud" or even "out of person". For 2 weeks now I have been overly emotional, weepy, down, sad... you name it. I know why, but I still don't understand. I've been asking the Lord for wisdom, for patience, for strength. I've been asking for comfort, encouragement, joy. Now I'm wondering if I'm asking for the wrong things.

Should I be asking for growth, trials to test my faith, endurance? One of my favorite songs by Shawn McDonald says "It's just like me to be broken before I see" and that's how I feel. Blame it on the change in hormones but I just feel like I'm reaching for something stubbornly and the push back is killing me, but I keep pushing and keep trying and keep... nagging(?). I'm kind of glad that not many people know about this blog because it's almost like a conversation with the Lord - and thankfully, he can interpret my longings and my nonsensical drama. I just need the next few months to be over...but then as soon as I say that I wish I hadn't. Oh well.

My parents came in for a visit the last 4 days and what a blessing it was. It was perfectly timed. It was wonderful to just sit and talk with my mom and cry with her, she's so good at listening and even better at pointing out my over-dramatic-ness. My parents are so awesome - they love to shower us with nice meals, things for the house, attention. I feel so needy for attention lately. Like I can't get enough compliments, assurances more like it. It was so good to hug my dad and to feel small and protected. I miss them. I miss my family every day and I suppose I miss them a little more each time they go away. I got to talk to my brother in Japan yesterday. He and his wife are going to hear their baby's heart beat today. You could hear the excitement in his voice -he's so anxious to be a dad. He's going to be a great one, he was trained by the best. I have to admit that I'm a little jealous...but I trust, or, better said, I'm learning to trust that someday I'll have my turn. And the world keeps turning.

This weekend I'm going to Philly for the youth leaders Re:VAMP retreat. I'm excited to get to know the people I'll be ministering with. Lord, give me wisdom. Then, after Philly its off to the family camp out with the cousins. :) I miss my family.

Good morning, Lord...HELP!

I have made a committment to getting up @ 6am everyday this week to spend time with the Lord in dedicated, quiet, undisturbed, scripture saturated, prayerful time. So, this morning I woke up with the alarm and I was so excited to begin my day with this new start - so excited what the Word of God would show me today, not that we use it as a crystal ball but it DOES give direction and insight into life. I set myself up on the couch with my bible, my journal and the devotional I'll be doing along with the teens in youth group. I asked the Lord in a whisper to make this time profitable and glorifying to himself... and thus I began my morning journey. It was perfect... the sun was rising, I was reading through Genesis 1 about creation, the power of God, God's purpose - just one of those mornings where it ALL made sense, where you feel like you are getting extra special revelation... I gleefully threaded down verse after verse anxious to read, even though I've read Gen.1 probably a million, ga-zillion times. I rejoiced as I read each time that God thought "it was good". As I went through the devotional, learning about God's general revelation to us - I just felt so empowered. Thank you for Lord, I thought out-loud, for giving me chance after chance to come back to you, to start up again. It's been so long since I've had any kind of consistency, I hung my head in shame, but then was reminded of God's forgiveness, his mercy, compassion... Thank you Lord, for loving me - your image... only rather flawed at times I'm afraid. Well, really flawed, all the time actually. I ended this perfect time in prayer thanking God for Genesis 1 and his creation, my dear bible study ladies...and then, I prayed for Brad. I prayed very specifically this morning, very strongly and with great expectation for what God WILL do with him. As I was finishing my prayer, my knight in shining armor was finishing up his shower time - I heard him rustling around in the bathroom getting ready for work, I smiled as I thought about how much more hair spray he uses then I. How he likes to look nice, and how I appreciate that about him. (he's no scrub!)

Amen, prayer done - time to finish getting ready myself. About this time... WHAT HAPPENED?... Lord, why is it that when I make an effort to spend extra time in the word, extra time in your loving arms...that this world and it's circumstances bring me down?! That knight I spoke about... well, he couldn't find his belt. The one he wears daily, that shouldn't be missing. It became a predicament that shook the entire Pausley world. I tried to help with a good attitude, I tried to be patient and understanding of how I would feel... but it just GOT TO ME! He was so grumpy about it, so snippy with me as if it were MY fault. Here I was 2 mins. prior pouring out my guts to our GOD for him, on his behalf - and now I'm getting the brunt of his grouchiness about a missing article of clothing. And, I failed, as I do often. I let my tongue get the best of me lecturing this grown man about "setting out his clothes the night before", "I'm not your mother", even, "why should I pray for you when you act like this?"... (sigh)...that's when it hurts. When you realize that your tongue has had power over you again. When you provoke someone's frustrations when you could have ended it with one encouraging, patient word. I could easily blame this on Bradley- for spoiling my peaceful morning. I could easily pin the blame on that stupid belt that I know was watching us look for it. I could even say "I got up early, so I was a little more tired today". But the truth is... I failed and the rest of the truth is that God is still holy and is still on throne and is still forgiving. I had such a hard time this morning with forgiving and letting go of this incident... until it dawned on me, 'idiot- you are doing the same thing now" to the Lord, with my attitudes, grumbling and ill thoughts. So, as I do with everything I'm waiting to see how God will use this day in my life. What will the big picture hold, and how does today mold me or prepare me? Good morning, Lord, thank you for your forgiveness and the way you put tangible situations into my life to show me more of you!

My favorite things...

Ahhhh... lastnight Brad and I went on a spontaneous shopping trip. I walked the aisles of Michaels while he went down the street to target... after being married 2 years, it's ok to not always be together, I guess. Maybe a little weird...but ok. Anyway, we are just a few short weeks away from my FAVORITE time of the year - Fall/Harvest! It's always been my favorite. I remember as a little girl loving the leaves, living in them until the first snow came. I love how the sun sets just so, I love how the air is really crisp in the morning and warms by days end, I love the colors - browns, reds, yellows, oranges... I LOVE the foods - cider doughnuts, pumpkin pie and warm apple cider. I love how orchards and farms open up for hay rides, apple picking and most of all...the pumpkin patches! I always feel more alive during Fall, my senses feel more awake, and my heart feels more grateful then any other time of the year. Maybe someone can relate. I even love that football season begins! Go bucks! Anyway, Michaels had all of their fall decor out and it was wonderful. I bought some things to make a nice fall wreath for our door - something I would like to be more of, a creative wife. I feel like it's a service to Brad if I can be creative and make our home look nice. :) And, I'm pretty sure I've heard that taught in one of those women's classes at BBC. So - I'm endeavoring! And, just to keep me in this festive spirit of what's to come - I bought a fall scented candle with a wax melter to keep in my office. It's the joy of my days right now. :) Thank you Lord, for this upcoming season... thank you for the beauty that is in it - for the way you make me feel during that time!

The man I love

The last few weeks have been so wonderful; we've been joking around, having a good time and just feeling so alive together. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary two weekends ago in Delaware and it was so nice just being together. He gave me some incredible yellow roses (2 dozen).
Brad has changed so much over the last two years - and it's a positive change. So many times I hear women say that their husband has changed and it's a negative conversation - "he never does this anymore", "he's just soo.....", etc. When we first got married I prayed that God would clearly direct what it is we were to be doing with our lives, and day by day that prayer is being answered. I love my husband for his passion for the word of God. I love him for his third born personality- where most everything has to be funny and he'll be the one to provide the comic relief. I love my husband for his sensitivity to the Lords leading in our marriage. I'm thankful to God that he's growing Bradley more and more into a godly man. The picture of Brad reading is the view I see now, typically, - he's hungry for learning, and that's a very different person then who I knew in college. Always smart...not always so dedicated. I dedicate this blog to my husband, Bradley Joseph Pausley - I love you!

August 17th...and all is well.

Well friends, it really is Friday! I thought this day would never come - but it's here and I'm an hour and half away from my weekend! Anyone who may read this and is from HBC - don't forget...SUMMER SLAM tomorrow night! Bradley and I are so excited to join up with Heritage Student Ministries at the end of the month, we consider tomorrow night our secret "kick off" with the group, as only a few people know about our ministry change yet. They will Sunday when we share with our class. :) We are super excited for what God has in store the next 11 months while we are planning on being here.
By the way... if you know of a church that is looking for an associate pastor... pass it this way, we are in the preliminary stage of thinking/planning for the future. FUN!
I have nothing inteligent to say on this Friday, but thank you LORD for Fridays and weekends. :)

A case of the "almost Fridays"

Good morning world - It's Thursday and I have a definate case of the "almost Fridays". Don't get me wrong, this job that God has provided is not bad, I enjoy the people I work with and I have my own office...so who's complaining...I just have the "Workin' for the weekend" blues today. Brad and I couldn't get out of bed this morning - I'm sure we aren't the only people in the world who do that. Finally, at 7am (40 minutes till departure time) we rolled out and began the scramble to make it to BBC on time. :) I have bible study tonight, I'm looking forward to being with the girls again - which is weird, I usually struggle to find excitement for that kind of thing (because I am weird), so this must mean it's a good thing!
I got a phone call lastnight from my Dad; he wanted to share a prayer request with me, as we often do this kind of exchange. As he shared his heart and some things that were going on in my hometown with people I love and care about... rather then thinking of ways to pray for them, I started feeling annoyed - "what is wrong with this person?", "why are they so driven by every wind of doctrine?". Good grief - as I hung up the phone and shared the news with Brad, I even explained to him in an annoyed fashion. And this is why unbelievers doubt what we say we have. I'm not beating myself up - and I don't think its wrong for me to feel a little frustration towards this person who is "once again" living for the "What's cool in Christianity" phase - but, I wish I had a heart like Jesus', full of compassion, etc. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all?

Baseball, memories and the future

America loves a good baseball game - and the Pausley family is no different. Lastnight we went to watch the Wilkes-Barre Scranton Yankees take on the Chiefs (from I don't know where). We were joined by a majority of Brad and I's coworkers from BBC and it was genuinely a good time. I don't know what my favorite part was - whether it was Glenn singing "Help" by the Beatles as loud as he could, listening to the conversations all around me secretly or just being next to my husband and feeling so proud to be by his side. Gush Gush Gush... I know. I think our team won - so that was a good thing too. I'm such a sap for "treasuring" memories - and I hope this one gets tucked away for my mind to bring up on a rainy day. Just the laid back nature of those we work with, our fun escapes as a young couple without children... because I know someday things may not be this way.

Some friends of ours told us lastnight they are headed to OHIO to candidate at a church - I'm so thrilled for them, they will be close to friends and family, and in full time ministry. In my mind I can think of no better situation. Also in my mind I'm thinking... Lord, please keep us close to friends and family. It's always been a prayer for me. As I look into the future, we have under a year @ BBC (via contract) and I realize how quickly the "Someday" could be. My heart does a flip flop thinking of the "next step" in life, and another flip flop as we both desire full time local church ministry... it will be hard, but it will be good.