Hello little one...

It's that time of the day when the nausea really starts to set in. This is the time of day when I feel the most thankful...because I know these feelings are all helping you grow. I praise the Lord for every moment of it, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
You are 10 weeks old (and 1 day)... I love you so much already. We got to see you in an ultrasound last week - we saw you move your tiny arms and heart your very strong heartbeat. You are a miracle to us...God has remembered! Even if He should chose to take you away to be with him early, just seeing you that one time has changed my life. You are perfectly formed. I will never understand how women justify things like abortion... I watched you move around...you are a life!
I'm anxious to meet you this December - stay snug and cozy in there - grow stronger. We are praying for your bones and kidneys this week as the develop. Your dad thinks you are a boy... wouldn't that be a funny suprise if you weren't. :) I love you little one... hang in there, we are all so eager to hold you.

sometimes i forget to blog

Maybe it's not that I forget...but I get so caught up in "what do I want to say" that I just give up, because could one Blog really hold it all?

Life is weird. Bradley and I have had so many curve balls in the last year...it's like now I have my glove up just waiting for what's next...which isn't to say it's all bad stuff...but, sometimes I long for some normalcy. But then as soon as I say that I know I don't mean it - God is soo good to us, He is so faithful and so real in our lives.

We aren't going to Long Island - as we suspected we might. There was some redirection towards the end... and we just have to trust again that God has a better plan. And, as you can read below, I wasn't devastasted by the news...but did feel so sad for my hubby who is so proactively seeking where the Lord is leading. Even though we aren't going... I still wanted to share a few photos from our road trip there - while I wasn't impressed with much... there is nothing quite like a strong bridge. It represents so many things.

The whole time we were crossing I kept thinking..."what if this bridge fell"... which in turn reminded me of my faith in Christ - weird little minutes of the day where God uses things like bridges in NY to remind me of His power and presence in my life. I'm eternally grateful.

So now we are back to square one... and as the months pass we are asking God to please direct us - Please show us - send us! (dear reader if you know of any openings in churches...let me know)

Other news... in case you haven't already heard - God has blessed us with another pregnancy. I'll be 10 weeks on tuesday and have been as sick as a dog. While I know I'm still early... I can't help but rejoice outloud and with other people about what God has done! He has answered my prayers. And, even if he should choose to take this one away too... I will praise Him! Just feeling sick causes me to rejoice - I didn't have this last time. I love feeling like all of this is going towards something so wonderful. We are due in December and just counting down the days till our 12 week appointment when we can see our little creation. :) I can't help but start to look at baby clothes, toys, etc. again. God is good. He hasn't forgotten me.

Timeless

Timeless

Time, it`s changing me

It`s hard to see who I am

Touched, I`m touched by many things

So many things I don`t understand
But seasons pass and I discover

Above all this there`s another Helping me to hold on to what is timeless
So the autumn can color me gold

And the winter can dress me in snow

But it`s You I see The timeless part of me

In the springtime I`m young once again

In the summer I dance on the wind

But it`s You I see The timeless part of me
Change, whether it`s good or bad You know I`m glad You`re in control

Oh, Lord, if I don`t understand I know Your hand will shield my soul
Seasons pass and I discover Above all this there`s another Helping me to hold on to what is timeless

This morning at work I was listening to my random music mix...and this song came on. The words just seemed to encourage and remind me to relax, enjoy this gift of life and thank God for it. Thank you Lord for using things like music at work to exhort your children...

decisions

As we drove onto the island I had an eager anticipation of what would lie ahead. My heart gave a soft sigh as I saw birds, trees and grass... I smiled... I could do this - there is life here. But as we rounded the bridge and continued on through the busy traffic ridden streets I started going into a coma of disbelief. While there aren't skyscrapers or cops rushing by in the middle of street chases...there was something tugging at my heart and making me feel all emotional. This place, Lord? This place? Are you sure? We passed block after block of the same four kinds of shops: dry cleaner, nail place, asian buffet and pawn shop. Everything had the feeling of being very old, very dirty and a little scary. There were no families at the parks. There were no lemonade stands on corners set up by aspiring 9 year olds... only traffic, high costs and dirty buildings.

I tried to breath and not be dramatic. This is just a test, a trial to see if we like it. I could keep an open eye and just observe and take notes... but i couldn't stop that aching feeling in my throat like I was going to just burst into tears at any moment. I felt as if I was watching all of my dreams flush down a big dirty toilet. I felt like a bad wife because I couldn't envision myself there. I couldn't picture myself pushing a stroller down a traffic filled highway. I couldn't imagine setting up life in this place. God please! Wisdom!

The irony of marriage is in the wording... we are one. But, we have two minds. The irony is that while I feel this is not at all where we belong... my other half considers it a good option. So now I wait... with that heavy chested feeling again. Waiting to be directed, no...told, where I need to go and what i need to do. Will it really end up being me just caving in and doing something that i hate? I never pictured my life like this.

I know the Lord grants wisdom LIBERALLY.... Lord, please... show us clearly. Make it so evident to me if this is what you want. And, if it's not... please let him know clearly.

I am so ready for Spring

I've got all my spring/summer shoes out...

seasonal clothes are now hung in the closet...

windows have been left open twice...

now all we need is consistent warmth. I had a weird flu-like thing for 24 hours yesterday and it was horrible. It was the kind of sick where you wonder if you will recover. I rarely get sick, but when I do it feels like armeggedon is happening inside of me. To top off that sad news - it was 68 degrees yesterday - whilst I wilted away on the couch, inside!!! 68!!!

This morning I got an email from a gal my age who lives in Florida. She has recently gone through a miscarriage in her 12th week of pregnancy and wanted some answers. My mother in law connected us - and it's just these kinds of opportunities that help me to see why and how the Lord uses the worst situations for his glory. It was oddly comforting to me to walk through this pain with her - relive my experience and give advice on how to "survive" really. She has had a horrible experience with Dr's in Florida - they have been unkind, humilated her and even made her feel bad about this loss. It made me feel enraged!!! This poor girl has gone through this alone -her husband was away for military reasoning, she doesn't live by family and doesn't seem to have close friends. I cannot imagine. Yet, through all of that - she seems so positive and so strong. While she's struggling, she's been an encouragement to me. God, please heal Maria.

Obviously, I'm random today.

My dear friend Janice came up last weekend. It was such a comfort and joy to see her! She was always my very strong friend in College. She is one of those women who remind me of an "empowering women" poster or something. She was a counseling major and always knew what I was thinking before I could say it. Jan is precious to me. She and her husband are leaving for the west coast here before too long, and while we haven't seen each other TONS I'm fearful that we might never cross paths again. (especially if American Airlines keeps up....) She took this pic of Brad and I, and I just love it...

Waiting on the Lord

So, if you are a man... maybe, don't read this blog entry. If you are a woman, a sympathetic woman - read on.

I'm 4 days late. I'm two negative pregnancy tests late. Obviously, after being one day late I was elated thinking that the Lord had blessed us with another child... just as I had been praying. So I suited up and headed to my local Rite Aid and purchased the infamous pink box... let the testing begin. Now, four days later...and two "no go" tests, I'm confused and wondering what's going on. I called my OB nurse who helped me through my miscarriage in November and she was not that helpful. Told me not to be worried until you have three consecutive months of missed cycles. THREE MONTHS!!! I've never been a day past normal in my life...

Is there such a thing as delayed ovulation? Because, I'm pretty sure that happend to me this month. I'm pretty sure I ovulated like 4 days before I was supposed to start my period. Which, again, not normal for me - and has never happened before. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??! If I had delayed ovulation...it could take another 2 weeks before either a period or positive test could turn out. TWO WEEKS!!!! That would put me in the day 45ish zone.... I've never been like that. Hmmm... this truly is the curse at its finest.

I'm working on memorizing Matthew 7. The chapter that discussed our needs... and how God will meet them.... our NEEDS. Is being pregnant and having a family a need? Because for my entire life I have been convinced that it is... I need to serve the Lord with a family. I need to give my husband children and carry on his name... I need to fulfill the role that women were intended for. Maybe someday I'll look back at all of this and get a good laugh at myself. But for now... I'm just waiting on the Lord and his timing - because it is perfect, and he IS GOOD.

And this.... is a dream.... a dream that I just can't shake. Something I desire so much that sometimes I can almost feel it.

My most precious gift

August 13th, 2005 was a special day in my life. It's the day I became Mrs. Brad Pausley. I'll never forget the days events... putting on my dress, praying with my dad, walking down the aisle and seeing my handsome husband to be. I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he said his vows to me or how he held my hand so tightly while he sang.

Now it's April 2, 2008. Almost three years since the Lord gave this precious man to me temporarily. We've gotten beyond the mushy first few months/years, while still wildly in love. And, just the other day I noticed how our love has molded into a new creation. We are no longer falling all over ourselves each time we touch or make eye contact... but instead, it's a deeper connection. This is my husband, my partner, my very best and real friend. We talk about life, we live together. We've gone through 3 moves and preparing for a 4th. We've finished school together, bought cars together, paid bills, watched younger siblings get married. But we've also weathered some hard times... we lost our first child...together. We've experienced the deep hurt of man's sinful rejection...together.

I watch him preach, I watch him work, I watch him live. He's the man of my dreams day after day. And while neither of us are perfect... we have a comfortable romance. I yearn for our future together... where will we go, together? What will we do, together? Who will be meet and minister to, together? Bradley truly is my most precious gift!