Times have changed.
I still enjoy food. I could be a foodie I think. I like to plan out meals and base hospitality around some cute thing to nibble now and again...or drink. Don't even get me started on the half a million cozy autumn drink recipes I've come across this last week. Yikes. So much of life is, like it or not, based on the stuff. Food, that is, not autumn drinks. Tho... in my mind... never mind :) .
Over the summer I slacked WAY off on my healthy eating and began living like I was 18 all over again. I was tired and under stress and transitioning. We weren't grocery shopping so my healthy options weren't around and basically I just found myself making one excuse after another. And annoying myself a little more every day. I stopped my food journal and sure enough the weight I had worked SO hard to lose, crept back on. Only I can't even say "crept" because it was more like my body yelling, "hey fat cells...bbq on these thighs tonight, come on over". Open invite. Gross word picture, I know.
Since the beginning of June (when things were starting to feel tight again, clothes wise) I started feeling "off". Honestly I thought I was pregnant, twice. Nausea, exhausted all the time, grumpy, feeling heavy - I had all the symptoms. I had even confided in friends that "just maybe" we were cooking a #3 babe. I was actually pretty upset last month when we weren't pregnant - because we have been trying and praying for an addition. It's normally very easy for us. Finally, I made my way into my doctor to find out what was up. And this is where I hang my head and just do a deep sob because I'm completely in mourning over what my sin of gluttony and lack of self control has gotten me.
My Dr is awesome. She's a mom of two and is like 5'9 or taller and has a great sense of humor. She's also pretty good at just saying things like they are and not sugar coating it, but it still sounds caring. She's great. After taking my stats and all that jazz she asks if I'm exercising. "Um, well, we walk sometimes". Then she asks what symptoms I've had so I tell her. She plugs in some numbers on the screen and then just tells me as it is...
"I'm sending you home with a glucometer so you can keep track of your blood sugar. You need to get moving and drop weight, right now you are close to the prediabetes level."
She blinks and smiles and tells me that once I get rid of X amount of weight I'll be fine. Easy peasy. I'm just sitting there and I have a million excuses and I just want to scream, "You don't understand!!!! I genuinely neeeeed that hershey bar at 10pm because my kids are finally asleep and it's quiet and...." But I know my excuses are just that. And that verse about things done in secret comes to my mind. Even food, Lord? Yes. And maybe even "especially" food.
I was embarrassed to share this with my husband. I cried on the way home and wanted to stop and buy a snickers bar. (I didn't, for the record.) But, praise be to God that in the last few days He has been working on me. Soothing the fears and reminding me of truth. I lost weight once, I can do it again... for His glory. So, I woke up this morning and felt more determination then I've had in awhile. We went walking this morning, the girls and I, then we had a healthy lunch and I'm downing the water like a mad woman and praying my whole way through it. My sugars are being tested and I'm logging them for a few weeks. My Dr called yesterday to let me know ALL my lab work came back normal - Liver is great, thyroid is great, cholesterol and all of life is great. The only concern was my Vitamin D levels that seem to always stay SO low. But, I think that's just life. I'm supplementing and catching a few rays when I can.
The moral of my story is that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not home yet. This life and this ol' tired, chubby body is temporary, but it matters what I do with it. I don't think I forgot that, but I got lazy and let the snacks and lack of self control rule rather then self discipline and a focus on the Lord. Always a recipe for disaster...and, trust me, I know about recipes. :)
So I took some time yesterday to get back to menu planning. We are still living with family so I have been just kind of winging it and I'm learning that THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I'm a planner and I need a plan. I checked out some of my favorite cooks cookbooks at the library and we are ready for healthy meals again. My husband has also informed me we will commence family walks after dinner. I love him. Man, he loves me...
17" Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Phil. 3
Amen. Ah, Lord... work in me today.