Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's no coincidence

This morning as the girls were doing their thing, I brewed a hot cup of coffee and sat on the front porch over sized chair, bible open, ready for some direction. I went to bed feeling refreshed and cared for last night - after a beautiful prayer time with precious ladies. The Lord always knows when I need that most. Yesterday was one of those MOST moments. It was sweet.

But there I sat in my chair with my steaming mug and Vera Bradley-clad MacArthur study Bible. The porch was still cool from the night and it felt wonderful. I'm still convinced the Lord made those cool mornings just for me :) I opened to Psalm 121 and the familiar words were right there in black print...

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?  
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore."

It's hard not to be encouraged when you are reminded that the same God who led Israel...still leads me. The same God who directed David, Moses and the disciples... still directs me. My Help. 

At 1:10pm today my children and I went in for a routine well-child visit for my 15 month old. We went through all the normal things - play in the well child waiting area, try out the drinking fountain, fill out the form about how stressed out mom might be... etc.  Nurse called us back and we made small talk about the fair, my 3 year olds funny stories, all while we were weighing and measuring my now almost nakey 1 year old. She hates that part - being flopped down on that huge scale and then stretched out to see how long she is. Screams. But we did it and moved on. 

Once back in our private room I noticed the nurse kept looking from clip board to computer screen and tracing with her pen. Hmmmm... 
She asked if I would mind if we measured Augs one more time. Sure. No big deal. More screams. Back to the room, again. And then she turned the computer to me and with one slanted eyebrow she said, "Doesn't look like August is growing. But let's see what your Doctor has to say." And then she left. I just glared at the computer screen with the line going straight across and not up the hill... like it's supposed to.

What I can't explain to you is that feeling at that moment. That "everything-will-be-fine-I'm-sure-but-what-if-its-not-oh-my-word-oh-my-word-oh-my-word" feeling.

My Doctor came in pretty quickly and we went through all the heartbeat, eyes, ears, throat stuff. Talked about 15 month old things and how August won't touch a veggie at all. She asked about my husbands trip to Haiti and how Ava was doing. She's calm and awesome like that. Then she reviewed nurses notes and furrowed the brow and said, "So what's going on with August?". And I didn't know what she meant? I, obviously, am not a doctor. I think I mumbled something about how many teeth she had now. She explained that Augs was down to the 22% for length - that's pretty small for a girl from this family. {Her sis is STILL in the high 90's for everything} Her head and weight were good, but, shrimp boat was especially...shrimpy. She wanted us to come back in just 6 weeks and remeasure her and if things didn't change she would do a blood draw and run some tests. 

Another glance at the ol' clipboard and she looked at me and said, "actually, let's go ahead and do that today." Gulp. 

I took for granted that not everyone goes in for well child visits and walks out with well children. Because I ALWAYS have, Praise God for that. But I wasn't freaking out yet - this was precautionary - just to make sure. Dr explained that this could be simply a thyroid issue, but more then likely was nothing, and then she asked me to describe what every one of her aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc looked like height wise. As if my brain were not swimming at that point. I was totally thrown off guard. Anyway, preparation was made and I had to physically hold down my screaming 15 month old and watch as they drew blood from her tiny, baby, arm. Sobbed. I tried to be brave and adult like... but I felt like my heart was getting ripped out as I watched her sign over and over again "all done" to the nurses. There may be no pain comparable to watching your children hurt. And the heart of God came to mind and His love for me and His compassion when I hurt. Thank you, Jesus. The blood team left and I just held her to my chest and we both cried and at that moment I think I hurt worse. 

Sometime tomorrow or the next day I'll get a phone call with results. Someone will call and give a report and life will go on. On the way home I prayed to God and asked that IF it pleased Him that we would get an ok report. That my baby girl would be spared more pain and we'd keep living life as norm with my teeny tiny. But then I continued and asked that if he found it necessary for us to go through a trial - that we would glorify Him through it and rejoice in the chance to magnify Him. THOSE ARE HARD WORDS WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER. And then Psalm 121 came back into my brain - MY help comes from the Lord. The Lord is our keeper. 
It's no coincidence that I read that this morning. The rest of the ride home I just let that truth minister to my heart, my trembling, though...trying to fight for FAITH heart. 

So we'll see. And, in the meantime we'll keep resting in the fact that we are held in the mighty hands of Jesus.


Paul Grice said...

Wow, every time I read your writings I am moved by the gift God has given you. Write girl, write. The word needs to hear your voice...no it needs to hear your HEART as it beats for the Living God.

The Sneaky Mommy said...

Wow, Mandi, did God know I needed you to write that tonight! I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks...and I'm not usually a crier! Maddox had his 1 yr. well-baby on July 9--but he wasn't a well-baby. Ear infections, strep, bronchitis...meds, meds, meds. It seemed like we were on the up and up after weekly visits to the dr. Then today, Maddox seems healthy but that white blood count is elevated--too much. The Dr. tried to reassure me that it doesn't look like leukemia at this point. (hate even writing that as if it's in the line of what-if's) However, he's just puzzled, saying it's as if something is coming down the pike. We're going back on Thursday to draw blood again. I DO want God to be glorified in and through us--whether with healthy or sick baby! However, it doesn't seem to make avoiding worry or fear all that easy! I'm avoiding Google tonight and praying over and over that God would completely heal Maddox--and I'll add little August's growth to my list, too! Love you, Mandi! Thanks for letting God use you!

kim said...

praying for you Mandi that God will grant you that peace that passes all understanding! Peace peace wonderful peace coming down from the Father above, sweep over my spirit forever I pray. In fathomless billows of love. A hymn my mom taught me as a child when I worried...I worried a lot and still do...and there are short people in this family :) not directly but close so she may just be more like her hindal aunts!

Angie said...

This post touched my heart more than you will ever know. Sending my prayers to your family and August.

Lanora said...

I am so sorry this happened! Nothing is worse than watching your child in pain! I know from my own children... My eldest son has clubbed feet and has many cats/braces/surgeries and my second son has kidney reflux and he had to be poked and prodded so they could find that out and more pokes for check-ups...

But just think, thats exactly what the Lord has to do with us! He gives us trials to teach us and to mold us... and it hurts him to see us in pain, and if He could only explain to us, as you had to explain to August how the pain, in the end... was/is a good thing, and how its going to help her grow... we could more easily see how it affects our lives and be all the more glad for it. When you write about how you were holding her, as she cried, and you cried along with her... I imagine God holding you, as you held her, wrapping you both in his arms of grace and mercy.... :)

Lanora said...

**has had many casts

Julie Anne said...

Finally going through my reader tonight and should read and comment more often! Know that I'm praying for you tonight, although I'm hoping you've gotten results by now!