Let's Chat

Before I start this new post - let me update you on my precious Auggie. She's fine! I got a call early in the morning from a nurse to let me know all tests came back normal. We'll still see our Dr in 5 weeks to do a follow up measurement, but, looks like we just have a shorty on our hands. :) It's still strange for me to have two children from the same two parents...who are completely opposite in so many ways. That's the beauty and mystery of our wonderful maker, God, I suppose. THANK YOU for your concern, prayers, and love. 

Let's chat for a minute.

My whole family is asleep. I tried to nap - but, the combination of crowing rooster next door mixed with screaming neighbor kids soon zapped my sleepiness. Imagine that. I will admit though that sitting here in the quiet, alone, not needed for this time - is wonderful. This momma has been a bear lately - and not in the cutesy momma-bear way that we often hear about. More like the "I'm going to chew your face off" kind of bear. Unpleasant. I have been short wicked, grumpy, selfish, and just plain ol' hard to live with for the last few days. And I hate when I have those days - they soooo don't line up with my fairy tale image of what a young family should look like.  {wink} Kids aren't obeying, Daddy is tired and busy, Mommy is not happily baking in the kitchen and the house looks like no one has cleaned in months.

I don't want to go into all my reasons or complaints. But I want to bring up a thought. Every time I feel grumpy or like I'll explode if one more thing happens... I immediately wish I wasn't feeling that way. I want to be the happy, homemaking, spring of joy, wife and mommy. I desire that. I cry about that and ask the Lord for His victory in that area all.the.time.  But some days I feel like I'm gasping for air - stifled, suffocating. Parenting is hard. Discipline {constantly} is hard. Submission can be hard. Selflessness is hard. Self control is hard.

Today at lunch, my husband prayed the words, "God, help us to live like you and for you". Right there in the middle of Wendys I wanted to sob like a baby. THAT'S EXACTLY IT! When I'm not thinking of living for the Lord, or desiring to follow and BE like Him... I'm off course and nothing goes right. This explains my discontent with where I live when it seems like we are lacking. {we aren't}  It's why I just want to lay around all day drinking flavored coffee and watching tv instead of rising early to seek HIM, set to work for HIM, to glorify HIM and in result love my family. When I let my selfishness take over, when housework and parenting seems overwhelming and I want to quit, when I'm not diligent, when I don't care about other people but I care too much about what they might think - I'm not living for God and I'm certainly not living LIKE Him, either. Convicting.

Do you ever feel like you know what needs changed but you don't know how to change it? I do. And that's where I've been this week. I have sat down and drawn up a cleaning schedule, a new meal plan, some school lessons, etc. and yet that ache in the pit of myself was still there. That irritation. No matter how I try to organize and plan our life - I just keep getting annoyed that it doesn't play out like I want it to. But, don't you see the hole there? Instead of seeking the Lord I'm seeking self help, self motivation. Which, to be clear, there's nothing wrong with schedules and menu plans. But when I'm constantly trying to skate by on my own strength... I will fail every time. Because I was not created to live on my own strength - Thank God!

Psalm 118:14
The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

 Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,  and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

Tomorrow begins a new week. A start over. I can't undo my short words or bad attitudes of yesterday - but, I can seek the Lord and have a better outlook for this week. Aren't we so grateful for the Lord's grace in our lives? I know I am.