Tuesday, November 17, 2009

a very small reminder...

Tonight I'm writing and things are little blurry...
You see, in the midst of life tonight, I think God was trying to get a hold of me and remind me that EVERY minute counts. And very often He uses my daughter to remind me. Tonight is one such night.


I rushed home from a coffee date with a friend, passing Brad as he left for a church meeting, scooped up a whining Ava and made her evening bottle one-handed-ly. (not a word, until now) Rushed to the chair to feed her, all the while feeling like, "come on kiddo, let's make some time here... drink, drink, drink... almost done, come on..." Which I NEVER do. I treasure her bottle times and all the more recently as I know they will very soon be gone..forever. :( But anyway, feeling rushed and grumpy I rushed her through it. Finished the bottle, rushed upstairs and got her into the tub - and then got to sit down and just watch her. She loves bath time. She loves bubbles (lots of them), she loves her starbucks cup bath toy (yea, we spend tons of toys) and rubber ducks and especially loves laying on her belly to "swim". I just sat there and watched, honestly kind of jealous of how care free she is. Ever feel that way? Sometimes I think, "oh, kid...if I could just have 10 minutes of your "not a clue-ness" (again, new word) what a new person I would be. I basked in her innocence and pure joy at just playing in our (un-washed) bathtub. The whole time she's "talking" to me and splashing here and there... showing me her toys and smiling. Precious. Just completely precious. After the water had gone cold (because she won't get out before!!!) I scooped her up as I have been doing since she was 4 weeks old, swaddled her in the bath towel and rushed to her changing table for lotion and jammie time. Key word...rush. Slathered the lotion on, diapered her up, got the girly dino jammies (yes, there IS such a thing) on - popped the paci in her mouth, covered her with her two blankies, rubbed her head "goodnight", closed the door and headed back to clean up the bathroom...


Only... I never made it there. You see, my normally very sleepy, happy to be in bed girl started to cry. Usually I would just chalk it up to being over tired and give her a second, but, this cry sounded different. It was a sad cry, very rare from my Ava. So I cracked the door, re-patted her head and headed out again... more crying. What was this about?! She doesn't do this. It was then I felt the Lord pull on my heart - "Why on earth are you rushing tonight? What is so important that you can't take 2 minutes and slow down?".... HUH? Where is this coming from? I have things to do.... bathroom to tidy, TV show coming on... dinner still to eat... It IS her bedtime.

I heeded the call - stopped making excuses and turned around to head back into my baby's room. I gently picked her up and she laid her head on my shoulder with her face in my neck - the whole time she's gripping my arm as if she's afraid I'll put her down....again. And only then I realize how I just rushed her night - she hadn't seen me because I was out, and, my guess is that she kind of missed some "mommy time" tonight. Rather then gently stroking her hair while she had her bottle... I shook my foot impatiently. Instead of taking time to massage her and speak gently to her while putting the jammies on - I rushed and barely uttered a sound, maybe a "no" when she reached for my sweatshirt string... Rather then bending down to kiss her goodnight - I settled on a head pat. {can you just FEEL how sad I feel about this} So I held her. I held her tight, and I moved to our rocking chair. While I rocked her she started to sing and I just lost it. Her tiny little voice just singing this very gentle song of nonsense... coo's and babbles, mostly, but the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I kissed her head and whispered over and over how "mommy loves you", "I love you"... and I felt her grip loosen a bit. After she finished her song, I stood up, gave her another smooch on the head and put her back to bed. She smiled at me with that silly yellow pacifier in her mouth and we said goodnight. After I closed her door I just cried. Why do I keep forgetting what's REALLY important in life...and why does my 11 month old have to be the one to show me?! So, tonight, my Ava sang to me and reminded me that Life is precious - our life, together is precious... and it was a great reminder to me that EVERY moment counts. Every single one.


How are you spending your minutes? Every...single...one?





6 comments:

Tiffany said...

I loved this. You hit a soft spot - thank you!

beccarankin said...

Ok, you made me cry! So sweet and true.

Julie Anne said...

You are not allowed cause me conviction from halfway across the country!!

... getting off my computer now!!

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Oh Mandi...this is so good! You've made me want to go wake Lily up from her nap and snuggle!

Kristi said...

Amen, sister. Thanks for stepping on my toes today.

Sara said...

so..you made me cry.