Jan 2nd, and I'm already tired.

At 11pm last night I tip-toed into the baby's room, turned her space heater from the "low heat" option to the fan option, tip toed back out and went to bed. I was tired. Always seem to be tired. But especially drained after a late night on NYE and girls waking up per their normal time the following day. Ah, but that's life. At 3:23am I hear a little voice crying for her momma and to "eeeat". Our toddler hasn't been eating much through the day - just picks and nibbles like a bird - so, she's especially hungry first thing in the morning. Normally morning is around 6:45/7... and not 3:30am. So, I stood by her door to listen and sure enough after a few more fusses she was back to sleep. And so was I soon after. Then again at 5am I hear more crying and fussing. And I'm frustrated with myself because my first inclination is not to be concerned and caring towards my child... my first reaction {and verbal response} is "You have GOT to be kidding me!? I am so tired." My husband has heard this a million times since we began having children 4 years ago. Though, I admit, I'm much more whiny about it now. 

So, I stand by her door again and wait - only this time the crying won't stop and so I open her door to "rescue" her. When the door cracked a wave a heat hit my face and then I realized the bigger problem. Instead of turning the space heater down to "Fan" - I had turned it up to "high heat". So for "X" amount of hours our poor babe was attempting to sleep in a boiling hot room. :( Fail. Big. Mom. FAIL. Her skin was hot and she was understandable cranky. Think back to summer camp days - attempting to fall asleep in your cabin when it was 100 degrees on a summer night. Then, add warm baby pajamas and several crocheted blankets. Yeouch! I felt just awful. So, I grabbed her up and we headed back to my bed. Usually she'll curl right back up and sleep with us until a more reasonable hour. This was not to be today, however. She was mad and hot and wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sleeping. So, we started our morning very early and the little one continues to let me know how displeased she was and still is. Lots of whining, crying, and general grumps are going on. It's January 2nd, and I'm exhausted. This was NOT the plan I had in mind for starting out our new year. 

I had every intention of using this year to really dig in and GROW in the Lord, have time in the Word, bible study and prayer. I wanted to be intentional in the teaching of my children, fun with arts and crafts, creative in my home... but, all I FEEL like doing is laying across the couch with my favorite blanket and sleeping. And maybe crying. They seem to go hand in hand some days. And, I know it's only the second day and that I really don't even need to measure based on days... but, that general feeling of failing is so present today. It's hovering. It's exhausting. How can I do this? How can I be effective when I can't keep my eyes open?! 

Mrs. Charles Cowman, in her book, "Streams in the desert" had something to say this morning that I felt was written personally just for me, only... way back in 1925.

"Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, they coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all they soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with they dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. "Upward to Heaven! Nearer to God! -Spurgeon"

Ah, life water to a thirsty mom this morning. A reminder that my JOY, my PURPOSE, my STRENGTH, doesn't lie in my cup of coffee or even getting 10 minutes alone in the word - {tho I enjoy both!}. These things come from making Christ central in my life, in all I do. And with that motivation... I will press on.