Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The great (all in my head) debate!

Ok, now before anyone FREAKS out and gets too excited... keep a few FACTS in mind.

1) I am not prego

2) We are not in "planning" mode

With that said - let me tell you my great mental debate currently. And then YOU share your thoughts... especially those of you with a 2nd, 3rd, 6th, 19th child... oh wait, Michelle doesn't read this.

I have always wanted children. Lots and Lots of children, to be totally specific. When I was a little girl my all time favorite "pretend" was lining up all 6 or 7 of my baby dolls (Cabbage patches and what not) naming them, feeding them and putting them "down" for naps. I loved playing mommy! When my parents "Gave" me the gift of little baby brother Josh... even better. A real baby to pretend with. And I mommied him until we both grew up and flew the coup! (Tho... I drove him and my parents crazy with this!) Anyway, I've always wanted to be a momma. I never aspired to be a great business woman, attorney or world famous cook - deep in my heart I've always longed to be home with kids. Even in highschool when we were taking all of those tests that supposedly tell you what you would be GREAT at as an adult... I always felt disappointed that "Mom" wasn't on their job lists. (another post entirely about the FEMINIST that drive me crazy!!!)

So now, at 27 years old, I have 1 daughter. Ava Edyn. She is the joy of our lives and gives us so much to be thankful for. I have loved watching her grow and change...and look forward to watching her grow and change for the remainder of my days. Prior to Ava I always assumed that I would just have kids, and more kids, and more kids... and that my hubby would agree and even encourage it. Reality set in about 4 weeks after Ava came. It was HARD work. Sleepless nights, nursing issues that drove us both mad, diapers exploding, dr appointments, anxiety, missing church week after week, etc. Parenting was more then just popping out babies and planning on the next. It was, as a my husband says, "bringing an eternal soul into the world", something to not take lightly.

But, lately... inside my head something strange is happening. Perhaps not as strange as I think. I've shared this with many ladies and everyone seems to feel the same. Ava is old enough now where I think... and my heart flutters to think about... wanting another baby. This is where the mental torment comes in. I cannot fathom taking on another - tho, I've always longed for so many. I can't imagine splitting this love for her, taking attention off of her for another. Tho, I know its good and important. Some days I can bypass all of this weird mental debating. Especially as the "we're expecting" announcements flow all around me. If they can do it, we could do it. Somedays it's too overwhelming to even comprehend. So, I want to hear your thoughts on this. Did you go through this? How far apart are your children? Did you like the timing? Scriptures that helped you in the decision? I'm looking for some Titus-type ladies here.

And while you are thinking... enjoy some pics of our ultra smiley, crazy, energy filled little girl. She is turning 16 months this month!


Sara said...

So, i'm about to have my 2nd child and he and Ellie will only be 13and 1/2months apart.

We definately did not plan this infact when we got pregnant we were trying not to get pregnant...lol Go figure God's sense of humor.

I can't give any advice on how to raise two children at once because I'm not there yet. But I can share how God encouraged my heart when I found out that I was pregnant just 3months after having my daughter.

He reminded me that His grace is sufficient for each day. That I don't have to raise these two children up in a single day. I get to have one day at a time with them and He will give me the grace to handle all the trials that I am guaranteed to have.

He helped me to take my eyes off the trials, circumstances, ect and refocus them on HIM and that helps me to breathe because I know that I am not alone.

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Well...I have yet to experience life with more than one child so I don't know if I can give too much commentary, but I CAN sympathize with your debating and going back and forth. I'm just like you -- always wanted to be a mom and we always said we thought 5 was a nice number. And there are some days when I think "What kind of crazy person wants that many kids?" Other days I think -- I could do that -- I could do more than that! Honestly, this is an area that I just time and time again have to surrender to God and remember -- He could give me more kids than I think I could handle -- or He could give me less than I think I need. Ultimately, He decides, even though I do my best to have some measure of "control" over it :)

Sorry, I guess I'm probably not telling you anything you haven't already thought of :) But...you should totally have another one. Everybody's doing it ;)

Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Oh hunny. Step into my office.

Okay, so I say that like I have answers. I have none. But VERY similar musings. When I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time {before we knew it was twins}, you can ask Front Porch Amy.....I was not excited. I was far from excited. Our son Hayden was MORE than the apple of my eye, he was everything I had hoped for and the idea of 'splitting' my love just broke my heart. Selfish, I know....but that's how I felt. And it has taken a long time to figure out how to love 3 children. I will not pretend to say that I do it perfectly because that isn't the case. But my love for each of them is so different because THEY are each so different. Hayden will always be my first baby, but they are allll such gifts.

You are so wise to take seriously the idea of bringing 'an eternal soul' into the world. What an enormous responsibility!!

This is getting lengthy and I'm not done :) I have a friend who has 4 kiddos and found out recently that she was having twins. Knowing what it's like to find that out, I asked her 'What was your reaction?!?' and she said she was THRILLED! I felt like SUCH a jerk wad for how I reacted to the thought. And how I react to the idea of having 6 kids. And the discussions about the number of kids have changed a lot since that conversation with my friend...from 'How on earth could we ever have 6 kids' to 'What in MY life is such an idol in my heart that I don't have room or I would be inconvenienced by the thought of having 6 kids'.....it is an enormous responsibility but knowing that GOD opens and closes the womb and HE gives us Husbands who get to be the final say-so before God on this....is kind of nice because it takes the pressure off of me! I just have to give birth :) Oh, yeah and everything else that goes along with it...... :)

beccarankin said...

All of the above is so good. I only have one thing to add. I have five sisters, and the closest one to me is five years younger. I wasn't friends with her until I was around 20. Looking back, it was almost like we had two separate families, me, and then my other sisters. we are all close now, but it took awhile. That is why I wanted at least the first two close together. And now they do play well, some of the time.:-)

I got that baby itch right around 16months with Karis.:-) My prayers are with you on your mental debate.

My itch is presently on hold until I'm better, so thankfully that mental turmoil isn't there at the moment! But, I sympathize!

Lee said...

I'm not a Titus Lady, but I'll give my two cents. 1+1 does not equal 2, the effort is exponential. I thought the exploding diapers were rough on their own, try it with a two year old asking for 32 things an hour. Love them both! they are so different! would have spaced them out a LITTLE more. Had Pax when Ella was two, looking back, it may have been easier if she was 3, but who knows.

Jacobs Family said...

I was just doing a little catch up on your blog and just had to comment on this post! I don't have any advice for you as #2 has not yet arrived, but I have to tell you that all the questions and concerns (I mean every single one) that you've mentioned were the exact things going through my mind (maybe even word for word!) There's still a few weeks before our baby boy enters the world, but I'm slowly and surely falling more and more in love with him. Instead of feeling bad about splitting my time (and love?) between the two like I used to feel, I'm excited to see Marie learn to be a big sister and watch them interact and love each other.
Whatever God's timing is for you, it will be perfect and you will be amazed at how much bigger your heart grows even before the second little bundle arrives!