Tuesday, July 19, 2011


“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Some nights the sleep doesn't come easy. I tried to put most of this blame on the fact that I'm still pumped up on steroids...for a few more days. {the good medical kind, if I really need to clarify} Last night was a different story. Bad combination of too much too late caffeine and a head full of questions and concerns. Mix that with an overly tired momma who is still seeking so many answers - it's a wicked cocktail.

I had another lab taken yesterday - which, for those of you non-medical people like me, simply means... more blood taken to be run through the tests to see whats going on with me. They are still looking at my liver enzymes/bilirubin, iron, etc. A normal person ranges in the 40's-60's and I was in the 600's, now working my way back down. And of course the dr almost never calls me back on the same day - so I have hours to sit and wait and think all of the "what if's". Hopefully today we'll get some good news - that things continue to normalize, etc. Until then... I wait.

This weekend at church as I heard myself utter the words, "She's two months old already..." in regards to my "newborn", I felt a weird pain strike me. TWO MONTHS {basically} since I first became sick. It's been a long two months, that's all I can say. I'm still majorly processing - and the Lord is still chipping away at some of the hurt and panic that was settling around my heart. I will always wonder...

WHY get so sick after the blessing of a new baby.
WHY lose the privilege of nursing so soon? After waiting almost 10 months to do so.
HOW did all of this happen?
Will I ever feel normal again?

I was telling my husband the other night about my lowest point during my hospital stay. It was July 4th and I was reduced to watching fireworks on the hospital TV. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks as I lay there wondering what was going on... why was I here? I missed my babies and the fact that every night someone ELSE was putting them down to sleep, giving them kisses and hugs. I was miserable and tired of the sound of the IV stand beeping and dripping at me. Always pumping in some kind of something. Fighting for me. I would just lay in bed for hours - while the nurses would encourage me to "take a walk" - only, taking a walk would have to be with them and we'd have to talk about the risks, and I'd have to wear a goofy mask and... this and that. Never simple.

While I've known this fact - hearing someone else say it hits home harder. 40% of people who are checked into hospitals with Sepsis or Toxic Shock don't leave. And that's what I originally went in for. 40%! And I know part of the hospital staffs job is to not make things seem super serious - but, I don't think this was explained to me at any time. I did wonder why someone woke me up every hour. Why my temperature and blood pressure were taken like every 39 minutes. Why they seemed obsessed with me drinking water.

I do still wonder, often several times a day, why all of this had to be. But, I will tell you this - wow, have I been learning things and experiencing the goodness of the Lord. Never have I felt so loved and taken care of. The body of Christ has done exactly what it was meant to do - and my family is so grateful. I've gotten phone calls, texts, visits, meals, cards, hugs, etc. People have brought us meals, flowers, balloons, gift cards - offered to help clean our home, watch our children, take me to dr appointments. I feel showered in the Love of God. And through all of this I know I'm experiencing something great. Though painful and confusing, great!

Today I will wait on that Dr's phone call. Today I will try and carry on life as normal... as a wife and momma. I still have so much to process - and it's a day at a time. But that's all I have in this life - time. And I thank the Lord for it.

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