Disappointed.

Autumn is here and our home is a cozy 64 degrees inside. I think I heard our heater turn on earlier this morning... a little bit chilly. :) I love it. I love the cool mornings, being bundled in blankets at night, hot spiced cider packets out for guests and even my "Autumn in New York" music on Spotify. If you get into the jazzy sound at all - you'll like it :)

Can I share something? I have been disappointed many times in recent days. Which, seems doubly frustrating as I so enjoy this time of year. This weekend I loaded the crock pot up with steak n' tater soup, had yeast rolls rising on the stove top, and a yummy apple candle burning away making life smell grand. The dining room table was set with over sized soup bowls and a pretty basket for the baked rolls to go. Scene was set and I was so eager to share this "First day of Fall" meal with my precious family. I had looked forward to it since... May. :) 

As I ladled the soup into bowls and brought warm rolls out of the oven - a certain 3 year old child sauntered in and announced, "No thank you, Mommy, I don't want soup." So began the meltdown of the century. The dream cloud I had been waltzing on the entire day while preparing seemed to be turning to rain right under my feet. A half an hour later I sat at the dining room table, head in hands, tears flowing down my face. Our 3 year old sat in her room as she continued her scream fest. The baby babbled cheerily while shoving bits of potatoes and steak into her mouth, and my poor husband tried to keep the peace between his brood of ladies. Grrrr. My disappointment over this moment were huge. So much planning. So many little touches here and there. Wonderful smells. Happy Momma. All of this now a pile of disappointment at my feet. My husband said to me, "Remember... pay day, someday. This is just our stage of life right now." And, I knew he was right. Because someday we will have lovely, sit down, leisurely meals. Someday we'll have quiet. Someday we'll see and savor every aspect of this wonderful season... but, that's someday. All these days of training of discipline and constant whining {or so it seems} aren't going to last forever. Our pay day is someday. Not today. 

And in the last few days those moments of disappointment have come fast and often to me. Where I feel like a failure or the worlds worst mother. Moments where my children look at me and I know they see grumpy faces and hear a voice raised when I could have been cool, calm, and collected. Disappointment when my quiet time doesn't go quite as I had planned. Disappointment when my self control seems to fly right out the window. And I know many of you are in this place, too. I'm so thankful for the encouragement and prayers of dear friends who walk this road with me. 

This weekend our Pastor taught on 2 Peter 1:5-8 and we learned about the things we can practice in our life to show real and alive fruit for Christ. Today, as we enter another week, I'm calling to mind those things...

virtue, brotherly kindness, perseverance, self control... Because, it's the ONLY way. And, I'm casting those disappointments and moments of chaos as my Saviors feet - because He cares, and He uses them in my life.