Thursday, January 23, 2014

What is with this Kindergarten / growing up thing?

I've known since the day she was born that the time would come that I would have to say some sort of little "goodbye". Maybe that sounds a wee bit dramatic to some of you, but it's exactly where my heart is today and has been for some years now. Raising children is the best job in the entire world... but letting them go is just about enough to rip a mom's heart out. I should now, I feel the slow rip beginning already. 

This morning my 5 year old had her "Kindergarten physical" with her new pediatrician. It was really all I could do to keep my heart calm during that visit. First of all, she's tall. As in, well over 4 foot and showing up in the 99% for height. So she just climbs up onto the table all by herself. She answers the nurses questions by herself. I sat there feeling totally out of place. Who is this big girl and where is that newborn I had... just the other day?! It was a mean cross between moments of sheer pride in watching her grow up to this horrible ache in the pit of my gut where it took every ounce I could muster to keep it together. I may have secretly cried when the nurse left the room {briefly}. Thankfully the nurse was also pregnant and I think she understood my pink cheeks when she walked back in. 

Just this morning I read this blog post by Club 31 women, and I thought that encouragement would prepare me for our day. If you have a few minutes - check it out. "Why this pain of letting my children grow up?". It's fantastic. 

But anyway... after a great appointment and a moment of personal victory for me of not sobbing when she had to get shots done, the blessing washed over. She cried for a minute, wanted to hold my hand, and then she was fine. While I've heard horror stories of friends children going bizerk, kicking doctors, screaming at decibals unheard before - my girl shed a minute of tears and then was done. She' so so so tough. And my heart was so so proud {and sad}of how she has grown up into this little girl. It's a confusing mix for mom's - this growing up thing. We rejoice at the achievements and milestones, but it actually hurts sometimes to watch them be independant. At least it does for me. 

My husband and I have decided that in August we will send her off to kindergarten to a school just a few quick miles down the road. All day kindergarten. I try not to think about it too much really, it is several months away and there are days when it even sounds nice to have a "break", then I feel bad thinking that. Again, it's confusing. But today my heart is aching and I feel wrung out watching this girl grow up and just wondering where did the time go? Is she ready? Will she be ok? What if something happens to her? Will she have a friend? Will kids like her? Will her teacher be kind? Will she understand what she needs? Are we making the right decision? Oh my word... how in the world am I going to let my daughter go? And maybe the most nagging question... have I made these 5 years count?! 

The reminder that - she isn't really mine, is where I have to leave those questions. No amount of fussing, worrying, crying or hyperventilating is going to help me. I have to willingly and daily place my daughter in the hands of Almighty God who loves her far more then I do. I have to trust His plan for her life, His goodness in mine, His purpose. And another truth, I believe, is that she will LOVE going. That's just her personality. She is so much like me in that way. 

But do we ever see our kids as anything but our babies? Ava Edyn, I love you. 

No comments: