Thinking about Mom

I downloaded my pictures from this past Thanksgiving today. It was good/weird to look through pictures of smiling faces that i loved so much - part of the weirdness for me comes from the fact that some of those extra smiles were for the grandchild, great-grandchild, cousin, etc. they hadn't lost yet. But, I try not play those mind games with myself. What's done is done and the Lord still sits on the throne.

During Thanksgiving I was able to spend the day with my Aunt Kim and cousin Bailie - two people that I love very much. Bailie, since she was born has been more like a little sister then a cousin, my mom baby sat her in our house from age 2 till basically now. They lived right next door all through my highschool years, and we always did everything together - sometimes it annoyed me, just like sisters would feel, but now I look back and what precious memories we have. Time has pressed on and now it's 2007 - Bailie is obviously no longer 2, but a stunning 13 year old right on the verge of exploding into a beautiful, intelligent, lovely young woman. Kim has moved on from her divorce years ago and is now engaged again - life changes, and it has for these two women. Anyway, Thanksgiving day while everyone was bustling around and busy with this and that- I just sat back and watched Kim and Bailie in their mother/daughter roles... and soaked it in. Was I really 13 once? Did my mom and I have that mysterious relationship like I see them having now? I loved watching them pal around. Kim would tickle her, Bailie would sass something smart, Kim would give the "watch it" look, then back to tickling and hugging and loving, only such as mothers and daughters can do. I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

After our large meal, sure enough - they gravitate towards each other and end up goofing off on the couch. Although she won't admit it now - Bailie needs these times with her mom. She needs the joking, laughing, hugging - this is what will mold her into what she is to become. These are the moments that will ground her for life.

Even when I was taking these pictures I could hear her saying "ew, don't take this picture" and so on - but I know that someday she'll see it and it will feel good to see it.

Watching them makes me love my mom more. My mom is amazing. She's intelligent - graduated from college and now working in her chosen medical field. She's wise, patient, understanding, compassionate to people and animals, diligent (honors student), creative - making everything from blankets to clothes to greeting cards. My mom is amazing. When I watch Bailie and Kim it takes me back to being that age, having the on again off again fights about nothing but teenage hormone inspired things, then crying together or going shopping to get away from the boys.

On Nov. 26th when I lost my baby - the first person I called was mom. She cried with me out loud right at her work - she didn't care who was watching or what looks she might get. She hurt with me and for me, and because of that I am healing. It's because of WHO she is that I have become who I am. She has taught me to love, to be patient, to succeed, to be creative, to laugh in the difficult times - and to take everything with the proverbial "grain of salt". Mom and Kim are sisters - Bailie and I are cousins - but it's amazing how close and the same we are. We all have dark brown eyes, brown hair, similar body shapes, identical food tastes, we enjoy the sames jokes and types of entertainment. We are family. When Bailie was a baby I used to pretend she was mine - when she was toddler and we would go somewhere we would pretend she was my baby sister and she loved that game - and I loved it, even if I didn't admit it then.

I'm kind of babbling today - I guess the whole point is, now that I'm 25 it's like the Lord has dumped 100 more reasons to be thankful for my mom - the women who brought me into this world and loves me unconditionally everyday. I love you Marmie - I always will.

And now the precious days

The waiting. Sometimes lately I've felt like I was a character in a movie, that this isn't my reality. I'm simply portraying what could happen to those who love the Lord. My books on grieving say that I would come to this point - and that its healthy. The truth is, I feel wonderful. My body is healing and as far as I know almost back to "normal". Mentally, I feel strong and level headed. I'm thinking clearly and realistically (besides my moments of thinking its all still a nightmere).

I'm calling these weeks my "precious days" because there has been such an intimacy in my life that I've never felt before. I feel so close to my husband. Sometimes we'll have the same thought at the same time and that feels fantastic. I feel so aware of my humanity and as a result feel my need for a savior so strongly. I wake up in the morning aware of my humanity, each time I touch my stomach and remember what is no longer there - in the afternoons when I start to feel down, in the evenings when I forget to cry and its only been a few weeks since I said goodbye to my baby. I'm human, I hurt...but I also heal. What a sweet release to lay it all at my God's feet - that I don't have to bear this alone. What a precious time to be vulnerable, to feel, to ache, to inch that much closer to an understanding - and yet remain far enough away that I still have that hope and expectation.

Each night I lay awake in silence - each night I ask the same questions - I think the same thoughts -I toss and turn until finally I recite some scripture about trust then drift off. The bad dreams are gone, the soaked pillow is no more, the holding onto Brad until I cried myself asleep is over. And I think to myself "how is this possible"? How has my mourning changed to Joy already - part of me wants the tears back, it felt so good to mourn because it made it real. Why do I feel so strong already? Why do I feel like I'm getting "over" this?

Yesterday in Sunday school we did a word study on the word "trust". I wasn't anxious to look it up because that means I would have to hear it again... trust. Trust - "to enjoy confidence", "faith", "assurance in....". Do you understand that the Lord IS hearing my prayers. Do you understand, could you relate to knowing what the "peace that passes all understanding" feels like?

I was convicted the other day, my first conviction post-miscarriage. It hit me hard, and I wasn't ready for it, but that never matters no matter how you feel. Paul challenged people in 1 Cor to not grieve as those who have no hope. WOW. I...Have...Hope. It may not be the hope that I'll have children and it may not be the hope that my every want and desire will be met - but I have Hope in eternity. I haven't swallowed it quite yet - but I'm still chewing.

Last night before Brad dozed off we had a moment of pillow talk. I have come to treasure those few moments before he falls asleep - where I can ask all of my theological questions and pour out every ounce of confusion on him. He's so calm. He's so sure. I value my husband and I value his wisdom. Knowing that God intended these late night conversations - I value him even more now. Every night I ask him, but last night I asked in a new way - searching, almost.

"Bradley", I say, "God tells us to ask without doubting". "yes" Brad says. "Bradley", I say again, "he also tells us to delight in him and that he WILL give us the desire of our hearts". "yep" he says again. "Bradley, I'm asking without doubting and delighting in him. Will he give us a family?" Silence. Then all too soon... I realize it's not for him to answer. And I realize...he's falling asleep. Father God - I know you see my heart and my desires. Lord, I feel like I'm begging. I DO have hope! Hope in heaven, hope in a changed life, hope in a family someday...

Glorious New Creation

We'll never know if it was a little girl or precious boy, we'll never know if the eyes were dark brown like me or sky blue like Bradley's. We'll never tickle its tiny toes or kiss its perfect cheeks. I'll never look over every body part to reassure myself that everything is in place and wonderful. We won't smell the new baby smell or feel the exhaustion from this baby and sleepless nights comforting a new cry. My baby, the one I carried these last 10 weeks will never call me mommy here on earth. Monday, Nov. 26th will be burnt into my mind as I remember sitting in that drab colored office, feeling numb and angry and forgotten as the doctor told me my baby was dead - or medically speaking "we aren't finding a heart beat". We sobbed, we cried out, we held on to each other. Then... we laughed. We laughed because no matter what our hope is built on something else, and we knew from the moment of that horrible news... that God was doing something. Something big... it HAD to be big in order for the Lord to take the very thing that we wanted more then anything. I wanted... Brad wanted... our parents wanted... While millions of women are killing their babies - we were grieving for one we couldn't hold on to tight enough. The thought makes me sick.

Grief. Sorrow. Pain. Sadness. Vulnerable. Angry. Frustrated. Numb. Excited. What should we think and what should we feel? Prayer. meditation. sleep. And then... THE WORD OF GOD reminded me, even though I didn't want to hear it and sometimes I still battle.

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth. And the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind."

Then... "No more shall an infant from there live but a few days...for the child shall die one hundred years old..."

I don't want to believe. I believe. I don't want to accept. I accept. I don't want to cry anymore. I cry. Talk to my sisters, talk to my mom, talk to my husband. Talk... to God? Pour out my heart, pour out my tears. God IS Good. Though I don't see it now, I KNOW it.

"Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence oh Lord, and take not thy holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me THE JOY of my salvation...."

And then there was snow...

There's something magical and wonderful about the very first snow. This morning we woke up to a blanket of perfection covering everything. There's something peaceful and quiet, as if the earth takes a sigh of relief, a final cool down, a break... there's something that reminds me of the holiness of God, his purity, his grace and mercy. This morning I was able to take a few minutes away from the keyboard and explore the newly painted creation - it was breathtaking. I always and have always teared up with the first snow, even as a child. I'll never understand where the exhiliration comes from - but I know it's heavenly and God sent so I don't need to "get it". It's like a birthday present, all we need to do is say THANK YOU. :)

This morning I am feeling thankful, I'm feeling ready to hug my grandparents, to give my dad a kiss - to linger in a warm bed with my hubby while we talk about life, in our pajamas. I'm counting down the days towards seeing the faces of the people I belong too - we all need to belong, and I do. I love walking into my parents house for the first time... the smells, the dogs greeting us at the door, the familiarity of it all - it feels so good...kind of like the first perfect snow. Everything connects today. Thank you Lord God for your perfection!

Ten days to Turkey day!

You know, I never call it Turkey day, I actually LOVE calling it Thanksgiving. What a perfect name for such a celebration. Gathering together with loved ones, good food, good memories to make - all for the reason of celebrating them and being thankful. I praise the Lord for my family, extended and beyond...what an amazing masterpiece my God has woven together with all of the dysfunctional, irrational, sinful, wonderful people in my life. Most of all I am thankful for His sovereignty in my life through the years. Many times I stop and wonder... what would my life be like if I had... or... could I still say I was thankful if...

This Thanksgiving. I'm burdened (once again) for my Grandpa Bill. He's now 82 years old, a retired, Korean war vet who has survived raising 3 boys and a stroke. He's a strong man, a determined man, a man who is always right... but a man who is lost and without a saviour. In my mind I know his days are not forever, but I haven't accepted that in my heart. I feel like God has preserved him for a reason... the ultimate reason. Yet, holiday after holiday... no cry out to God, no eternal decisions... Just me settling for him pushing it aside. I want boldness - I want gentleness - I want the gift of heavenly pursausion in his favor. Is there such a thing? I know the arguements - is he Chosen for heaven? Or not? I don't know where I stand with that conversation, but I do believe that his sins are just as forgiveable as mine - and I do know that God gave His only son and was pleased by His death and covering of sin. As the holiday approaches, I'm not only thinking of what new pie I will create...but how I will word my next letter to grandpa. He reads my letters and saves them - they are all in his top drawer right by his chair. Grandma says sometimes he reads them again and again...what could he be thinking about? Could he already know his need... but be too proud? This year, I want a new approach - I've been writing since I was 10. I want an approach that he will stop and see. Pray with me this holiday for Bill Grice, that his heart will soften to our Heavenly Father's forgiveness... that he will call on the Lord. This is harvest season - I am a laborer, this is not just a holiday vacation - at times it even feels like the front lines of a war. And I think that's ok and I think that's necessary for me... I live an easy life.

Random thoughts

Awww...Just as soon as we are all in love with the autumn weather - it starts to slip away. If you don't live in North East PA, you are missing quite a color show this year!

We celebrated homecoming @ BBC a few weekends ago. That is always an interesting, exciting, fresh time. I love going and seeing who has been recently married, or who is having what number of kid - it was neat to reconnect with people I hadn't seen in awhile and mingle with people I maybe didn't mingle with while in school. Homecoming brings out the best in people, I think.

Here is a pic of me and the hubby during Homecoming day - he's adorable! I love this picture! I love being married and I love Bradley!

Things are a' changin'

It's October. The leaves are now bright fire red, neon orange and yellow. It's finally cooled down to the normal autumn temp after months of scorching 80's and 90's. The wind tastes like the coming winter which, in these parts, will all too soon be here. It's homecoming season, Football season, sweaters and hoodies season. All of the weddings are done, vacations have been ended for a while now, and kids are settled back into school. Wow, how fast things change. I never stopped to think about it- or maybe I was just to busy to notice. Now it's a daily acknowledgement. "Wow, I can't believe ____ is a junior this year", "can you believe so and so is having her 2nd baby already?", "I remember when we had to wear this and that". And, I'm 25. My mom always tells me "if you think life goes fast now, wait until you have kids". Things have changed and just like nature has switched seasons, so have the Pausleys.

Brad finished up his summer travels 2 weeks ago. It was a hard summer for me. I struggled a lot with him being gone so much. It affected parts of our marriage and we had a lot to talk about and were able to come up with some good ideas for change. When he came home we celebrated the beginning of Fall by taking a fabulous trip to a local farm market/orchard. We did the corn maze, the hay ride, you name it.... we had a blast and it was so good to be back together having fun. I love being married to Bradley - he is the joy of my day, but I have to admit... the last few months I've had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's been this little nagging voice, this little longing... yea, I want to be a mom. I want Brad and I to experience a new chapter in life. So many prayers and tears have been lifted up about this topic and for awhile it was a real wall for me. While I am totally satisfied with my husband, I love him and love giving all my focus on him, I just have this feeling deep within of wanting the next step. If you are a woman, I hope that makes sense. If you are a man... good luck.

All that to say - we are in process, folks! :) Just like the seasons, the Pausleys are changing as well. Preparing in our hearts and minds and dreams what life would be like as a trio. Things are a changin'...

Oh me Oh my...

It's another hum-de-dum day here in PA. Work hasn't been as oppresively busy as normal, so I'm excited to grab 5 minutes here to jot some thoughts. Fall is indeed right upon us! The leaves have started to turn and the grass is frosty when I go outside in the morning. What a neat thing it is to actually see something change. :)

Bradley is gone on one of his admissions trips -which are increasingly harder for me to bear, Lord give me strength! He'll be back in 8 days... which feel like an eternity because I miss him.

With the fall comes a ton of busy-ness for my life - I am now a focus group leader @ HBC, and i love it! I have some fantastic girls in my group...and I'm eager to see how we all grow in the next few weeks, months... Tonight we will be deciding what our first group activity will be and I'm just so excited for that. I love youth activities - I remember how fun they were as a teen, and I feel spoiled that I'll get to do them again (only with a little more wisdom, I hope). My husband loves working with the youth as well, I've attached a pic of he and his buddy, Matt, the Jr. high intern. They have such a great time together- which almost makes it even more great for me, to see Brad's joy. :) One of those blessings of marriage I suppose.

Thinking back...

Nostalgia... It comes and goes for some people, that sense you get when you see an old toy that you played with as a child or when grandpa tells a story about the "good old days". Well, I am nostalgic all the time, I've decided. Lastnight we had a fabulous time with some friends from our church at a little event called "supper six", where three couples meet together once a month for a shared dinner. Maggie made the meat, I made the veggie salad and Rachel made the beans! We had such a great time eating, laughing, telling stories and watching all the kiddo's have fun. Mallory (3), Billy (1ish) and Aniyah (1ish) were just too adorable, and being with real families for dinner made me feel so completed and fulfilled lastnight.

It made me think back to being at home, with all my family around - cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone just there having a good time, laughing, telling the same stories... everyone just loving each other. Those were good times I'll always carry with me. And, it just added to the enjoyment that there was a REAL original Nintendo present. The boys played a while and then I had a turn with my good old friend Mario Bros'. Ahhh...memories. Even though I died right away (some things never change) it was just so cool to play again, I havent picked up the small controllers probably since I was in single digits....8,9..? It was a great night! I praise the Lord for these people, especially during a time when I've been feeling so down and alone. God does that, he comforts his children...he presents good in their lives. He knows my inward thoughts and feelings and I praise Him for that.

On another note... we were at Camp Bayouca this past weekend, where Brad spoke. While he was out doing his "prep" I had some down time to explore nature (my fave) and let me tell you Nature is just on the verge of exploding into gorgeous colors... enjoy some of the last pics of summer life. I had a blast poking around... and thankfully the camera was somewhat cooperative this time!

In Nature

I've always been a little dramatic, I admit it. And not only do I admit it, I'm convinced that God loves dramatic thinkers. When I was little I loved to play in the dirt and pretend I was a poor beggar because I wanted to "feel" what that was like. Or I'd get my dolls together and pretend I was a mother of 5, lived in a big farm house out on the plains and my husband was a busy farmer/preacher. All that to say, I didn't have "normal" play situations as a little one, and all through high school I kept the dramatic life - writing short stories that swam through my head, attempting art (photography), wanting desperately to fall deep in storybook love....

Well, this past weekend I had another chance in life to feel dramatic and to really just wallow in my imagination - and in the beauty of creation! What a great God. We went camping at Promised Land state park, and it's just perfect! The trees were tall and gorgeous, the air was filled with the smell of rutic campfires and grilled food, the sunrises were amazing... :) I loved it! I always feel that much closer to heaven when I have a few days to just sit and enjoy this world God has given to me.

There was one tree right by our tent, it's roots were crazy. It was a huge tree... and so many of it's roots were grown above ground - it reminded me of the strength of our Lord.

Everytime I passed it I would try to remember to thank the Lord for this life he's given. He IS so good. Beauty... drama... I think God wants us to feel that. I know I feel it, and in nature when I'm alone with just God and his creation I feel it more. It's a perfect thing! Thank you Great God for the beauty of this earth.

La Festa Italiano

Clearly, I'm not Italian - as I probably didn't even spell that correctly. All the same, this past weekend we had our annual trip to the Italian Fest in Scranton. We walked around the same block 5 times, got something new to eat with each round, and said our "hello's" to the miscellaneous BBC people we would see. There was something oddly comfortable about this year. Maybe it's because it was my 7th festival. :) I can't believe I've been here for almost 8 years now...I never would have guessed this. It's truly amazing to look back and remember - not only what God has done, but to remember the fun memories, experiences and associated events. This festival in particular gives me warm memories of piling into cars and coming down with my girlfriends from the dorm. We would have a fabulous time "people watching", we would just laugh and laugh, and laugh more as we watched the "Frank Sinatra" double perform for the masses, never as good as the original - but trying so hard, and so loudly. It also makes me think of all the different phases of people we go through - the true friends, the acquantences, the "obligated to go with" group, etc. It's amazing how life changes, almost cyclic - and I'm sure it's supposed to be like that. This year we went with some cousins, Becki and Adam. I was so thankful to be with family - it's just natural, care free, fun. And even though I don't know them super well (brad's side of fam), just knowing it's family makes it better.

I don't understand

I'm in a funk or should we call it more of a "cloud" or even "out of person". For 2 weeks now I have been overly emotional, weepy, down, sad... you name it. I know why, but I still don't understand. I've been asking the Lord for wisdom, for patience, for strength. I've been asking for comfort, encouragement, joy. Now I'm wondering if I'm asking for the wrong things.

Should I be asking for growth, trials to test my faith, endurance? One of my favorite songs by Shawn McDonald says "It's just like me to be broken before I see" and that's how I feel. Blame it on the change in hormones but I just feel like I'm reaching for something stubbornly and the push back is killing me, but I keep pushing and keep trying and keep... nagging(?). I'm kind of glad that not many people know about this blog because it's almost like a conversation with the Lord - and thankfully, he can interpret my longings and my nonsensical drama. I just need the next few months to be over...but then as soon as I say that I wish I hadn't. Oh well.

My parents came in for a visit the last 4 days and what a blessing it was. It was perfectly timed. It was wonderful to just sit and talk with my mom and cry with her, she's so good at listening and even better at pointing out my over-dramatic-ness. My parents are so awesome - they love to shower us with nice meals, things for the house, attention. I feel so needy for attention lately. Like I can't get enough compliments, assurances more like it. It was so good to hug my dad and to feel small and protected. I miss them. I miss my family every day and I suppose I miss them a little more each time they go away. I got to talk to my brother in Japan yesterday. He and his wife are going to hear their baby's heart beat today. You could hear the excitement in his voice -he's so anxious to be a dad. He's going to be a great one, he was trained by the best. I have to admit that I'm a little jealous...but I trust, or, better said, I'm learning to trust that someday I'll have my turn. And the world keeps turning.

This weekend I'm going to Philly for the youth leaders Re:VAMP retreat. I'm excited to get to know the people I'll be ministering with. Lord, give me wisdom. Then, after Philly its off to the family camp out with the cousins. :) I miss my family.

Good morning, Lord...HELP!

I have made a committment to getting up @ 6am everyday this week to spend time with the Lord in dedicated, quiet, undisturbed, scripture saturated, prayerful time. So, this morning I woke up with the alarm and I was so excited to begin my day with this new start - so excited what the Word of God would show me today, not that we use it as a crystal ball but it DOES give direction and insight into life. I set myself up on the couch with my bible, my journal and the devotional I'll be doing along with the teens in youth group. I asked the Lord in a whisper to make this time profitable and glorifying to himself... and thus I began my morning journey. It was perfect... the sun was rising, I was reading through Genesis 1 about creation, the power of God, God's purpose - just one of those mornings where it ALL made sense, where you feel like you are getting extra special revelation... I gleefully threaded down verse after verse anxious to read, even though I've read Gen.1 probably a million, ga-zillion times. I rejoiced as I read each time that God thought "it was good". As I went through the devotional, learning about God's general revelation to us - I just felt so empowered. Thank you for Lord, I thought out-loud, for giving me chance after chance to come back to you, to start up again. It's been so long since I've had any kind of consistency, I hung my head in shame, but then was reminded of God's forgiveness, his mercy, compassion... Thank you Lord, for loving me - your image... only rather flawed at times I'm afraid. Well, really flawed, all the time actually. I ended this perfect time in prayer thanking God for Genesis 1 and his creation, my dear bible study ladies...and then, I prayed for Brad. I prayed very specifically this morning, very strongly and with great expectation for what God WILL do with him. As I was finishing my prayer, my knight in shining armor was finishing up his shower time - I heard him rustling around in the bathroom getting ready for work, I smiled as I thought about how much more hair spray he uses then I. How he likes to look nice, and how I appreciate that about him. (he's no scrub!)

Amen, prayer done - time to finish getting ready myself. About this time... WHAT HAPPENED?... Lord, why is it that when I make an effort to spend extra time in the word, extra time in your loving arms...that this world and it's circumstances bring me down?! That knight I spoke about... well, he couldn't find his belt. The one he wears daily, that shouldn't be missing. It became a predicament that shook the entire Pausley world. I tried to help with a good attitude, I tried to be patient and understanding of how I would feel... but it just GOT TO ME! He was so grumpy about it, so snippy with me as if it were MY fault. Here I was 2 mins. prior pouring out my guts to our GOD for him, on his behalf - and now I'm getting the brunt of his grouchiness about a missing article of clothing. And, I failed, as I do often. I let my tongue get the best of me lecturing this grown man about "setting out his clothes the night before", "I'm not your mother", even, "why should I pray for you when you act like this?"... (sigh)...that's when it hurts. When you realize that your tongue has had power over you again. When you provoke someone's frustrations when you could have ended it with one encouraging, patient word. I could easily blame this on Bradley- for spoiling my peaceful morning. I could easily pin the blame on that stupid belt that I know was watching us look for it. I could even say "I got up early, so I was a little more tired today". But the truth is... I failed and the rest of the truth is that God is still holy and is still on throne and is still forgiving. I had such a hard time this morning with forgiving and letting go of this incident... until it dawned on me, 'idiot- you are doing the same thing now" to the Lord, with my attitudes, grumbling and ill thoughts. So, as I do with everything I'm waiting to see how God will use this day in my life. What will the big picture hold, and how does today mold me or prepare me? Good morning, Lord, thank you for your forgiveness and the way you put tangible situations into my life to show me more of you!

My favorite things...

Ahhhh... lastnight Brad and I went on a spontaneous shopping trip. I walked the aisles of Michaels while he went down the street to target... after being married 2 years, it's ok to not always be together, I guess. Maybe a little weird...but ok. Anyway, we are just a few short weeks away from my FAVORITE time of the year - Fall/Harvest! It's always been my favorite. I remember as a little girl loving the leaves, living in them until the first snow came. I love how the sun sets just so, I love how the air is really crisp in the morning and warms by days end, I love the colors - browns, reds, yellows, oranges... I LOVE the foods - cider doughnuts, pumpkin pie and warm apple cider. I love how orchards and farms open up for hay rides, apple picking and most of all...the pumpkin patches! I always feel more alive during Fall, my senses feel more awake, and my heart feels more grateful then any other time of the year. Maybe someone can relate. I even love that football season begins! Go bucks! Anyway, Michaels had all of their fall decor out and it was wonderful. I bought some things to make a nice fall wreath for our door - something I would like to be more of, a creative wife. I feel like it's a service to Brad if I can be creative and make our home look nice. :) And, I'm pretty sure I've heard that taught in one of those women's classes at BBC. So - I'm endeavoring! And, just to keep me in this festive spirit of what's to come - I bought a fall scented candle with a wax melter to keep in my office. It's the joy of my days right now. :) Thank you Lord, for this upcoming season... thank you for the beauty that is in it - for the way you make me feel during that time!

The man I love

The last few weeks have been so wonderful; we've been joking around, having a good time and just feeling so alive together. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary two weekends ago in Delaware and it was so nice just being together. He gave me some incredible yellow roses (2 dozen).
Brad has changed so much over the last two years - and it's a positive change. So many times I hear women say that their husband has changed and it's a negative conversation - "he never does this anymore", "he's just soo.....", etc. When we first got married I prayed that God would clearly direct what it is we were to be doing with our lives, and day by day that prayer is being answered. I love my husband for his passion for the word of God. I love him for his third born personality- where most everything has to be funny and he'll be the one to provide the comic relief. I love my husband for his sensitivity to the Lords leading in our marriage. I'm thankful to God that he's growing Bradley more and more into a godly man. The picture of Brad reading is the view I see now, typically, - he's hungry for learning, and that's a very different person then who I knew in college. Always smart...not always so dedicated. I dedicate this blog to my husband, Bradley Joseph Pausley - I love you!

August 17th...and all is well.

Well friends, it really is Friday! I thought this day would never come - but it's here and I'm an hour and half away from my weekend! Anyone who may read this and is from HBC - don't forget...SUMMER SLAM tomorrow night! Bradley and I are so excited to join up with Heritage Student Ministries at the end of the month, we consider tomorrow night our secret "kick off" with the group, as only a few people know about our ministry change yet. They will Sunday when we share with our class. :) We are super excited for what God has in store the next 11 months while we are planning on being here.
By the way... if you know of a church that is looking for an associate pastor... pass it this way, we are in the preliminary stage of thinking/planning for the future. FUN!
I have nothing inteligent to say on this Friday, but thank you LORD for Fridays and weekends. :)

A case of the "almost Fridays"

Good morning world - It's Thursday and I have a definate case of the "almost Fridays". Don't get me wrong, this job that God has provided is not bad, I enjoy the people I work with and I have my own office...so who's complaining...I just have the "Workin' for the weekend" blues today. Brad and I couldn't get out of bed this morning - I'm sure we aren't the only people in the world who do that. Finally, at 7am (40 minutes till departure time) we rolled out and began the scramble to make it to BBC on time. :) I have bible study tonight, I'm looking forward to being with the girls again - which is weird, I usually struggle to find excitement for that kind of thing (because I am weird), so this must mean it's a good thing!
I got a phone call lastnight from my Dad; he wanted to share a prayer request with me, as we often do this kind of exchange. As he shared his heart and some things that were going on in my hometown with people I love and care about... rather then thinking of ways to pray for them, I started feeling annoyed - "what is wrong with this person?", "why are they so driven by every wind of doctrine?". Good grief - as I hung up the phone and shared the news with Brad, I even explained to him in an annoyed fashion. And this is why unbelievers doubt what we say we have. I'm not beating myself up - and I don't think its wrong for me to feel a little frustration towards this person who is "once again" living for the "What's cool in Christianity" phase - but, I wish I had a heart like Jesus', full of compassion, etc. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all?

Baseball, memories and the future

America loves a good baseball game - and the Pausley family is no different. Lastnight we went to watch the Wilkes-Barre Scranton Yankees take on the Chiefs (from I don't know where). We were joined by a majority of Brad and I's coworkers from BBC and it was genuinely a good time. I don't know what my favorite part was - whether it was Glenn singing "Help" by the Beatles as loud as he could, listening to the conversations all around me secretly or just being next to my husband and feeling so proud to be by his side. Gush Gush Gush... I know. I think our team won - so that was a good thing too. I'm such a sap for "treasuring" memories - and I hope this one gets tucked away for my mind to bring up on a rainy day. Just the laid back nature of those we work with, our fun escapes as a young couple without children... because I know someday things may not be this way.

Some friends of ours told us lastnight they are headed to OHIO to candidate at a church - I'm so thrilled for them, they will be close to friends and family, and in full time ministry. In my mind I can think of no better situation. Also in my mind I'm thinking... Lord, please keep us close to friends and family. It's always been a prayer for me. As I look into the future, we have under a year @ BBC (via contract) and I realize how quickly the "Someday" could be. My heart does a flip flop thinking of the "next step" in life, and another flip flop as we both desire full time local church ministry... it will be hard, but it will be good.

Beginnings

I have to admit - all of this technology, posting, blogging, texting... I'm not the most saavy person for the job. But, I live a life of Grace and there's so much to share. I just ask that you bear with me as I learn and manipulate my way around this thing. I do have a face book account that I keep very updated - :)

I've heard it said a million times, almost to the point of cliche "God is good all the time", and I know he is - it's his nature, his character - of course God is good. However, the last few weeks I've come upon a time in life where I feel like I am really living this truth. My husband has been traveling for his job @ BBC, he's been gone for quite a few weeks off and on, sometimes 2 or more in a row. At first it was fine because I could clean or escape in a book or just... whatever. But after awhile, obviously, I missed my spouse. I missed our everyday chit-chat, him balancing out our mattress at night, being able to fall asleep because everything was fine and in its place. I found myself reaching for things to do - start scrapbooking again, change the sheets on the guest bed just in case anyone should show up unannounced, wipe down the mirrors, hmmm...should I rearrange the closet that no one sees?! All these fillers, which in and of themselves are not bad - but, the problem was - my heart was yearning and being tugged by the Lord, "Come and meet with me", "use this down time to recharge, grow, strengthen". And, I didn't - I wouldn't.
I wasn't used to having this time, as I had when single and in college. I was used to filling my day with Bradley (again not a bad thing). But, had I become so callus to the "still, small voice" that I really thought of time with the Lord as optional? Skip tracks - I have just recently become involved in a bible study with some girls from the area. We are using the next few weeks to build our core and decide what direction we want to go. It was my turn to share/teach last week - and wouldn't you know.... I decided to share from 1 Kings 19 - Elijah (after escaping Jezebel) and his encounter with God after the fire and the strong winds, etc.... a still, small voice. God chose the quiet route. Here I was in my life looking for BIG signs, BIG works, BIG things from God - but I wasn't in tune with listening and when I did it was so easy to blow it off. grrr! Had I allowed Brad and his spiritual leadership to take the place of my intimate time with the Lord?! Well, I wouldn't go to that extreme - but, all that to say - I had an amazing couple of hours in the word the day I was studying in 1 Kings -and, God is good. God is good that he brings to mind our areas that need improved, and that he doesn't settle with us being mediocre - he pulls our hearts, he is the ultimate romantic pursuer!