Tuesday, October 23, 2012

You are the sunshine

This girl...

She is a joy to my heart.
A breath of fresh air on the difficult days.
A giggle.
A sigh.
A reminder of just how very blessed I am to live THIS life. To have THESE children. To be alive.

My heart and mind have been occupied by heaviness the last few days. Maybe not heaviness... but, feelings of defeat, failure, confusion, desperation. It's a phase and a learning period where I just can't wrap my brain around what it is I'm supposed to be "getting". Ministry is wonderful. Ministry is difficult. And if I'm being honest with you... sometimes I feel like a broken record saying the same things over and over and over and over and then wanting to shout, "Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?". I'm just so stinkin' burdened for people to LOVE THE CHURCH. LOVE JESUS. LOVE YOUR COMMUNITY. BE THE COMMUNITY. And way more often then I like to admit... I get frustrated. I feel like I'm failing and that its MY job to change hearts and minds and behaviors. Newsflash: it's not. :) Praise God, literally. Praise Him...I'm terrible at changing hearts.

And even in my frustration and defeat and realization of my own very real failures and shortcomings - I'm so thankful to rest in truth. My heavenly Father has got this. HE'S GOT THIS. Sit down, sister. I am not in charge. When students seem to care less... He loves me. When I get the rolled eyes, blank stares, questioning of every-thing...He loves me. When I wonder week after week how on earth the Lord can reach this person or that person... He loves me. He comforts. He proves me wrong. He strengthens my faithless heart. He reminds me and pursues me and puts the wonder back in me {I heard that in a song once}. We have an amazing church family. Such amazing support of friends and parents and beyond - I know we are so blessed by this. Sometimes in my small mind all I can see is the one bad moment. But I'm learning - see BEYOND. Love beyond. Hold on to truth and live for Jesus. He is the heart changer. He is the motivator. I am just a tool in His perfect, nail scarred, hand.

All this to say...
Even in the weeks where life is difficult and the heart is being wrung out, and the emotions high, and the temptation to be a drama queen rises - there is still JOY. We choose it. We yearn for it. We find it in Christ alone, and in the precious gifts He gives. {James 1:17}

This week I am so thankful for my August Hope and the ray of sunshine and joy she has been to my Momma heart. Thank you Lord for bed times in the rocking chair, humming with my baby girl, telling her of Jesus. Thank you for sloppy, wet, peanut butter faced, kisses, smashed lip gloss, and a too-full diaper pail. Her sweet baby smile has been the balm to my soul this week as I remember just how much I am loved by my Savior and how the things that hurt my heart... hurt His too. And just as I hold my August, He holds me. Only, perfectly.

That song I mentioned above. It was from 1999 - maybe you remember someone named, Geoff Moore? I'll share it here - about reminding ourselves of truth! If you have a few mins, enjoy!

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