It's still very much winter and I'm very much feeling fed up with myself. Life is real, people. Real around here. My kids may have eaten at least 2 meals a day in front of cartoons...for the last few days. We are a mix of toys, blankets, markers, scraps of papers, clean and dirty dishes, misc art supplies, baby dolls and empty yogurt cups. All in the name of keeping entertained.
Life in the tundra is taking it's toll, even though I have tried, prayed and cried to avoid it. But I feel as if maybe I'm adding to my stress. We mom's do that ya know!
#1 - Because it's been sooo cold, every day, I haven't been able to finish any of my organization projects. Mostly because they involved painting or spray painting something. So my breeze way (where shoes, coats, etc would go) is 50% or less finished. It's now looking more like a garage storage closet with a fine mix of recycling, Christmas decor, a baby changing table that hasn't moved up yet, and just life. It annoys me every day - but, alas, I value my fingers and have to wait til its warmer.
#2 - We need to move our 2 year old in with our 5 year old...and soon. However, the dresser I need for their combined room needs to be spray painted and is waiting in the freezing garage. And the dresser I need for the new nursery is serving currently as the 5 year olds dresser. We also haven't found bunk beds yet - or bedding - or really figured out how we are realistically going to do this and keep our sanity. :) So I have two bedrooms upstairs that are a bad mix of 2 year old, 5 year old, and newborn things. It's bad, people. Bad. Add to that the fact that my 5 year old is rapidly outgrowing everything she owns so I'm constantly pulling clothes out of drawers and closets to put away, only I'm out of bins to store it in so it becomes piles upon piles in already too filled closets. Claustrophobia is real. And this theme of disorganization seems to be spread out through several spots in our home simply because I'm exhausted and don't have an extra ounce of energy to do it after children are in bed. We will not even be discussing my linen closet or basement right now.
#3 - My 5 year old seems to be struggling with making friends and being a friend. Last night after everyone was tucked in bed the stress of the day just washed over me and I cried like a baby on the couch. It's PAINFUL to watch your child learn and grow through difficult times. It seems my girl needs constant attention and redirection and somedays (lately most days...) it's more then I can bear. Last night we prayed together through tears and she asked God to change her heart (and from what I could hear the entire personality of the other party who caused her grief) and it reminded me how BIG this job is - there is never an off day. She's not at a place of understanding yet...but I pray the Lord continues to soften her.
#4 - Pregnancy. I'm tired. A lot.
And lately I'm waking up with the birds, literally, and then dragging through the day. NOT GOOD. I'm hungry at weird times but never sure what for and though I don't "feel" super pregnant, things don't fit right - even maternity clothes. Another not pretty reality.
#5 - I miss my mom and dad.
My family is 12 hours away and sometimes I feel that more then others. This time in my life I'm feeling it so much. What I would give to spend a day with my parents - to let my kids hang out with their grandparents. I miss them, I'm homesick for them, and selfishly it would be such a blessing to let the girls go to grandma's for the weekend. Specifically this weekend as my husband is set to leave again on another trip, that I could go on, but can't find overnight child care. Bah. I'm envious of the families here that all have each other - even though I know it's not always easy. I'm feeling very alone and sometimes forgotten.
It's been a difficult last few days and I know it's going to be ok, just part of the refining... it's just a bad combination of life right now and feels a bit overwhelming. I'm thankful for the moments of quiet in God's word to settle me, or the kind texts from friends and family far away. It'll be ok - I'm just feeling reality right now more then usual. And I'm not sure I like it.
Also, did the price of diapers go up?!