Monday, March 28, 2011

Fear, Worry and being a Mom

How appropriately timed this weekends lessons were for me. The theme of our ladies event at church was "Fear Not", all about learning how to face our fears in life and get on with it. Pair that up with where I'm at in Ann Voskamps "One Thousand Gifts" book and you'd think someone was trying to tell me something. ;)

I've never considered myself a fearful woman. I don't lay in bed at night fretting or crying myself to sleep. I'm fairly calm about lifes events, etc. Occasionally I'll have the weird dreams and wake up in a panic, but, who doesn't?! So, I wasn't really expecting to learn a TON this weekend - or from chapter 8 of Ann's book. But it would be good for review, eh? And then I read things like this...

"Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is."

Hmmm... guilty. And then there was this -

"Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time I surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe?"

So, I did go this weekend with an open heart asking God to work on this obviously "secretly fearful" heart o' mine. And, as always when we ask things like that - He answers. And even more then that, He gave reassurance, Hope and the reminder of His ultimate control. I'm so thankful.

I was able to pinpoint one of my big fears this weekend, too. It's the fear of my baby {babies} growing up and away from me. I'm in love with this stage of life and all too often the thought crosses my mind prematurely that, "they'll leave me". I cannot imagine life without a lap full of blond hair toddler in it, or cheerios on my kitchen floor and finger smudges against the windows. I go into panic mode (kinda) when she bumps up into the next clothing size or learns a new word. All good things - but in my brain, another "thing" closer to her growing up. It scares me. The world is too harsh and scary for her. For me to watch her in.

In chapter 8 of this book Ann has a few pages of her interaction holding her youngest babe after a late night dinner. Her daughter, the baby, had fallen asleep in her arms and she was savoring it. I cried and made a complete mess of my book reading over the pages. I felt like she was talking about me, to me. And this last part caught my breath away -

"Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?"

And that's my fear - plain and simple. It's somehow wrapped up in my identity as "Mommy" and the idea that life would have to go on without her...someday.

So, now I know where my work lies and what part of my heart still needs surrendered. And it's Monday. Let it begin.

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